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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships and in laws

34 replies

Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 12:43

So me and my partner have been together for 13 years and have 2 children 11 and 1 we split when my son was 7 for nearly a year as I found out he had cheated this wasn't the 1st time he had previously cheated when our 1st child was 2 and I had growing suspicion that it there could have been more women. Anyway I confronted him he denied it I showed him proof he said there was nothing in it just a friend which later turned out to be a ex his mum knew her well there was pictures of 2 of them on social media i felt so betrayed by my in laws as they all became really pally with this other woman and i felt they lied too we split up he changed his number so the only contact I had was his mum i never see him for 11 months he continued to see this other woman the year we was apart she went to all his family gatherings went away with them during this time his family called me names he told them stuff about me that wasn't true they used to be nice to me before we split we would go away together they was at my 1st child birth they helped loads we spent Christmas and birthdays together we stayed in there holiday place ever year well when we split they was so horrible to me his mum said some nasty stuff to me called me ugly slagged my family off they never contacted me about there grandchild they used to although they had regular contact still my ex used to take our child every weekend i got on with my life started working had a nice holiday went out with friends then one day my ex dropped my child back home and wanted to talk to me so called me said he was sorry and that he loved me fast forward 3 months from that day and we decided to get back together things where great but his in laws refused to speak to me ignore me in street my partner goes to visit them never invites me they never invite me he does everything separate with them and my children he goes out of room to speak to them on phone he goes to all family gatherings without me he goes to there house where he still has a bedroom at least twice a month with children sometimes more they stay over I stay home alone is this fair? We now have a 1 year old I thought maybe when I was pregnant or had baby they would try and make effort when baby was born they never came to visit we baby was in hospital a week they only spoke to my partner on phone when we finally came home my partner took baby to meet his family without me stayed for 2 days then came back I was left on my own at home baby was 2 weeks old it's been 5 years now and my daughter is 1 now and they still don't speak to me it's Christmas soon and I'm not looking forward to spending boxing day and the few days after on my own again like the last 5 years I have I'm so fed up any advice ?? Please

OP posts:
Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 12:45

Help!!

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 28/11/2017 12:48

He took a 2 week old baby away from you for 2 days?? Sorry I can't get past that - I don't know how you have!! His loyalty seems to be to his family - and I don't mean you. Sounds like when he checked out and then came back he didn't emotionally check back in with you. Sorry op I would ltb for sure.
Your dc and you deserve much more.
Flowers

Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 13:01

Yes he regularly takes baby there for few days at a time and I'm left home alone it's driving me mad because I feel so left out 😦

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/11/2017 13:11

Why have you stayed with him? He's not creating a family with you at all.

And why did you let him take your baby away from you?

SpringTown46 · 28/11/2017 13:44

Really? You have a partner problem, the in-law stuff is not the central issue...

Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 14:20

Because he took baby to meet grandparents I just wasn't invited again they never invited me he just told them he would bring baby up to see them took children on the Friday came back Sunday morning

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Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 14:23

It's all a issue tbh but I love my partner and I love my family just don't want to feel left out at Christmas again I want to spend it with my family I will Christmas day but boxing day morning they go till day after and sometimes new year too

OP posts:
NeilPetark · 28/11/2017 14:34

The issue is your partner. Why on earth are you with him?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2017 14:35

I don't understand why you would let a 2-week old baby be taken from you to visit grandparents if you're not welcome?

Now he's going to take both children all over Christmas without you again?

Put your foot down woman!!!

wednesdayswench · 28/11/2017 14:47

I would not be allowing my hm to take the children away from me, especially at Christmas time.

Why don't you have a talk to him about it, or ask his family over to have a heart to heart talk about where things have gone wrong and explain you don't want the children taken away from you for visits anymore.

Tinselistacky · 28/11/2017 15:26

Unfortunately op he doesn't see you as HIS family really does he?

Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 15:32

I don't know what there problem is I don't have contact anymore with them I gave up trying and if I bring it up with my partner he says they don't have a problem with me but still doesn't invite me it's not that I want to go as after the way I've been treated and the nasty things they have said i wouldn't want to sit in a room with them but I can't help but feel awkward when my 11 year old asks why I don't come and I'm pretty sure my 1 year old will ask questions when she's a bit older too

OP posts:
Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 15:35

You really think that from what I've wrote?

OP posts:
OlafLovesAnna · 28/11/2017 15:42

Fuck that shit - your partner is being vile to you, ergo he is not a great father or an amazing partner.

Tell him that you're planning to visit your family on Boxing Day with the kids and he can come or not. Or say that if he wants to arrange a visit to his parents' another day he can take all of you together as a family.

You are right, the children will notice, they'll hear all the nasty remarks about you and it will make them feel uncomfortable which is horrible for them. You need to make this stop and as a first step I would not be allowing any overnights for the children without you.

No matter how much I wanted to keep the family together I wouldn't have that nonsense and would rather cut him loose.

Fishface77 · 28/11/2017 15:46

Your partner is a twat.
This is all of his making and your a mug. How can you love this piece of shit who treats you like this.
You are worth so much more!
Give your head a wobble!

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 28/11/2017 15:52

I am shocked by the taking the two week old baby to meet his family and stay there for two days without you too! You must have been so hormonal. Personally I wouldn’t want to spend time with people who have treated me so awfully, so I wouldn’t want to go along with them to these occasions. Also if they all say horrible things about you I would worry that they are saying it in front of your children still.

Can dh say something to them like “it’s not fair to leave my wife at home alone of Boxing Day, but we’d like to invite you over for the afternoon to ours” so it’s on ‘your terf’ To make you more comfortable? X

statetrooperstacey · 28/11/2017 16:07

Something very odd about all this.
I think it is him trying to keep you away from them rather than them not wanting to see you. I think he doesn't want you talking and 'swapping notes' or has told them that you want nothing to do with them and won't have them round the house for some reason. He is up to something I think. Don't wait for an invite just rock up there with him and front it out all sweetness and light or say the children aren't going without you. If he says there is no problem them take him at his word and insist on going and watch his arse fall out!!
On a side note my dh took out 3 week old away on his own to visit family for a couple of days without me, but it wasn't because I ' wasn't allowed' to go!!
Sit him down and tell him the whole set up is strange, you are not happy, and from now on it is going to change.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 16:14

Wow - this can't be all he does.
You should never have taken him back.
Do you have family anywhere else?
Could you go to them?
Honestly, this is all kinds of wrong.
Please contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247

Pacificly · 28/11/2017 16:18

Your partner is the problem here he is excluding you from his extended family. He has created a them vs you situation. This is all his doing he is keeping you at arms length.
Start putting a stop to him taking the dc without you , you and your dc are a package deal. Speak up and refuse to be left out.
Honestly he doesn't sound worth fighting for he has cheated possibly multiple times he has fed his parents lies about you.
He doesn't care about you he just gets easier access to dc and I'm assuming the other benefits of a partner sex and household duties.

You don't have an in law problem you have a partner problem

Jux · 28/11/2017 16:46

Where are your parents/brothers/sisters/cousins? Why don't you take your children to go and visit them for a few days at Christmas this year, instead of letting him take them off to his family, yet again?

Why on earth are you living like this? Your partner is not a partner, his other family are his priority and you're not involved. Are you just a Friend With Benefits for him? Keeps his sex life sated without having to worry about actually committing?

Fishface77 · 28/11/2017 16:53

And no way would he be taking my kid away from me especially over the Xmas period!
And he took her at 2 weeks??? Away from you??
WTAF?
He's abusive op.

Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 17:05

Ok so we usually have my family round on Christmas day for dinner and to see the children I do get invited to my family for Christmas but it's easier to host at my house instead when things where good we always went to there house for Christmas

OP posts:
Puddleduck2016 · 28/11/2017 17:07

I want to say something but I feel like I'm being un reasonable not to let them see them over christmas

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2017 17:13

I feel like I'm being un reasonable not to let them see them over christmas

NO! He is being unreasonable taking your children away from you over Christmas and excluding you! You are their mother.

Tell the in-laws they can come to you if they want to see the children. Even if they don't show up, you are not excluding them.

Pacificly · 28/11/2017 18:28

spend Xmas with your dc invite them to see there gdc you are the mother they are yours and you should be able to enjoy every aspect of c'mas with them.
Stop this separation of you and them!
Your partner is purposely excluding you. If he says they have no problem then stop staying behind get up and go. Change the situation!