Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should we carry on?

14 replies

cuddlymunchkin · 28/11/2017 12:41

I have been with my partner 2 years. A bit rocky at times but ok. We got engaged recently. He was on his way home from work and called to say he would be late because he wanted to go to his parents first, he had received a call to say his bank card had been cloned and he needed to go home for some paperwork. He has form from in the past at being late back because he's decided to go home instead - always a reason but always a last minute text or call. I was angry and upset on the phone to him and was still when he got back.
The next morning we kissed goodbye and said see you later. He didn't come home that night so I called his home and he refused to talk to me. He refused to communicate (I tried text, calling, whatsapp and email). We were meant to be going away for the weekend but he cancelled the hotel - he didn't tell me he'd cancelled, just did so.
I finally got through on Sunday late afternoon. He said he was upset that I hadn't believed him about the card and he was upset and hurt. He apologised for his behaviour but excused it by focusing on the incident that triggered it.
We are meant to be meeting up tomorrow evening to discuss this and where we go from here. I don't know what to do. I hate the way he just opted out and went non-contact, and part of me wants to just take things back a step almost to dating instead of getting married. But then, I recognise that I was in the wrong and that I reacted badly to him detouring because of his card. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2017 12:44

They are excuses.
I'd not be happy either.
This guy sounds like a total knob-head.
Does he have good points?
Little boys that go running to mummy all the time are not worth you time or effort.
Get out there and find a real MAN!

BitOutOfPractice · 28/11/2017 12:46

I would not be marrying this man. No way, no how.

category12 · 28/11/2017 12:47

I think taking a huge step back is more than sensible.

What he did was a massive overreaction to your reaction, which was based on past behaviour of his. So yeah. The punishment for challenging his behaviour is cancellation, stonewalling and silence - those are bad signs.

TheNaze73 · 28/11/2017 12:55

He’s not ready to marry you

NeilPetark · 28/11/2017 13:00

Is this the man you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

Tinselistacky · 28/11/2017 13:04

He sounds about 17. Find yourself a grown up to marry.

MikeUniformMike · 28/11/2017 13:06

Walk away, love. He's a dick.

cuddlymunchkin · 28/11/2017 13:33

Ah. I thought that might be the case. It's a shame because I thought I'd found someone lovely but I don't think I can get past this behaviour of shutting me out.

OP posts:
PigPigDogDog · 28/11/2017 13:35

I don't understand why you got angry at him for needing to go home and do some paperwork? He was also BU though unless you get angry at him every time he needs to change plans/go home, in which case I'd get fed up too.

I think you were both being U here.

Solasum · 28/11/2017 13:37

I think your getting angry and upset about him being late home is a bit OTT to be honest. It isn’t as if he just didn’t show up when expected, he did call you.

That said, cancelling the hotel was clearly ridiculous.

It sounds to me as if this relationship is very hard work. I don’t think getting married will help that. Time to draw a line underneath?

Thebluedog · 28/11/2017 13:37

Not shutting you out. It’s stonewalling and control to try and stop you behaving in a certain way.

Imagine what it will be like when you’re married and you do something he’s not happy about? What do you think he’ll do then?

cuddlymunchkin · 28/11/2017 13:51

I don't know Thebluedog about the future - I think he may always have to have an escape route out. I just don't think I can cope in a relationship where it feels like he's not 'all in' as it were, I want him to be reliable and just bloody here.

I know my reaction was ott and yes, he probably is fed up with that. But is it really too much to expect him to come home rather than a last minute call informing me he has something else to do first?

The more I think about it the more it seems there's no way forward. I don't know if I can trust him again after the complete cut off and equally I don't even know if he wants to be with me as he sees my behaviour as unreasonable too.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 28/11/2017 14:02

He's a dick.

The complete back story to this is that he HAS FORM. The reason you didn't believe him, or weren't sympathetic is because from the sound of it he makes a habit of lying or disappearing on you to go back to his parents. Or maybe sometimes he isn't even at his parents.

No, I wouldn't carry on with someone like this, especially after only two years. That's nothing. You're only really getting to know him now, and he's clearly immature, argumentative and well - just a bit of a dick!

Secondly, I'd be very wary of marrying and having children with someone who runs back to mummy all the time, unless you want to be fighting with your inlaws forever for control of your own life and family time.

Two years is really not long. Move on now, this one is a dud.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/11/2017 14:04

I think your reaction was very OTT too. Would you rather he NOT call to tell you he'll be late? If that's your reaction every time he does something rather than running straight home to you after work, you sound very needy and controlling. How old are you? You both sound about 18.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread