How to deal with this situation, ex likely to move abroad

[antimatter]

It isn't about me. Is about my exH and my 2 nearly grown-up children.
My DD is 20 and in her 2nd year at Uni living away from home but visits every 3-4 weeks term-time, my son in Y 13 so will sit his A level's next Spring.

I separated from their dad nearly 8 years ago, stayed in the marital home and he moved out. He lives not far from us renting a room. He had an argument with his landlord recently and was to move out by early Feb. He called me because he want's to finalize our divorce (long overdue and no issues to do it fast and cheap), our only asset is the house I am living in with my kids.
I have DP of 5 years with whom I want to buy property next year after my son's A-levels. We want to buy property big enough for all 4 of us and our pets to live together. 4 adults who at some point will work etc. I am in London so kids will move back with us for Graduate jobs and to save money for their own properties etc. They know the plan and I think are looking forward to a bigger house (one we live in is smallish). I will also pay off my ex.
My children know my DP very well, we've been away together on holidays and they get along very well. He hasn't got any kids and is enjoying being part of a family. He is always making sure he gives them Birthday, Christmas and on other occasions, came with us for open days at Unis and is very interested in their lives. pretty normal family activities.

My exH has been suffering from depression from his teenage years, despite being very clever and gifted now found himself in a situation where he has been unemployed since March. He is living off money his dad gave him from the sale of some family property, not a lot of money and is a shame he is not able to save it for his retirement, but it is his choice. Ex has had a GF for the last 5 years and told me at some point in the past that she suggested he moves in with her, that means exH moving to Germany. There are flights to that city from that airport near us so not such a bad scenario.

Also I am nearly 100% sure exH is ASD. He never wanted to get counselling for his depression (been on AD meds on and off for the last 25-27 years) or look into ASD diagnosis.

Ex's siblings' families and my PIL live nearby. We keep in touch with them, spend all Christmases together (my DP spends his with his dad and brothers), visit each other sometimes. My kids are very close to their cousins having spent several holidays together.

The reason for this v.long post is that I am worried my kids will find it hard that their dad is moving away permanently. The thing is that ex doesn't seem to spend much time with them anyway, I kept insisting on weekly visits in the past, so he could spend at least one evening a week with them, he said I am controlling and bullying him! So at best he sees them every 2-3 weeks (but lives ony 2 miles away!)
My DS said recently that my DP knows more about him that his dad, he was very sad about it. My DD rationalises her dad emotional and physical distance.

I am not sure what I am asking about. I guess would be nice to hear how other families managed similar situations where one parent moves away and kids are a bit older.

Ex said he "would consult" with my ds whether to move away now or wait perhaps when he finished his A-levels.

I want to suggest few alternative scenarios etc. I feel if ex moves away he would never come back to UK. His GF has a good job in Germany (she is German) and for the last 2 years they were seeing each other visiting each other (him flying there or her flying to UK for weekends). I think she is a nice woman and I think kids visiting them won't be much of an issue.

one more thing my DS is not applying to go to Uni this year, he wants to do a Foundation year living at home and DD will move next Summer for 1 year she needs to do for her work placement

Can i ask why you have not divorced after all this time and haven’t sorted out the house given that he is renting a room?
No wonder he’s depressed and looking to make a new start elsewhere. Without somewhere proper to live it’s difficult to maintain good contact with kids

He didn't want to buy anything or rent a bigger place. I couldn't force him to do that. How could I?
For a few years I couldn't afford to get a mortgage in my name. He preferred to have more disposable income. He still pays maintenance.
Being divorced or not is not relevant tbh.
His GF couldn't find ft job here. Now he us unemployed. If he had a job he would not move away. He is always welcomed to visit kids here. Kids liked that arrangement when it lasted. Unfortunately ex preferred to have weekends to pursue his hobbies.

He was depressed before he met me and during our marriage. I am not going to feel guilty about his lack of self care. He us a grown up person.

Does your Dp live with you?

My children are still very small so not in the same position as you but it seems as if your ex has made his decisions and now has to live with the consequences. His relationship with his kids is his own responsibility. If he doesn’t want to maintain much contact now when he is only 2 miles away then it really doesn’t matter where he lives. It is unfortunate but you and the kids will have to accept it.

Your dc are old enough to manage their own relationships with their father at this point. They could pop round to see him at the moment.

I would just get on with the divorce and stop trying to manage him. It's his choice to put hobbies first or move to Germany. Just let him get on with it.

Despite good intentions you can’t micromanage the relationship between your Ex and your children.

The whole unnecessary preamble about buying a house suggest that this could be the source of your angst. Are you worried about the impeding loss of maintenance and the possible financial autonomy that this afforded you, especially from your current partner? Like wise your home, you don’t need a bigger house, you’d like one but the financial settlement might make the realisation of that desire difficult or, might mean that your current partner may have to provide a greater financial contribution, upsetting the current balance of the relationship.

Take a very big step back and stop ‘offering alternative solutions” —interfering— in your Ex’s life, you can support your children without telling your Ex what he should do with his life.

It sounds like your Ex might be ready to embrace change but you aren’t quite there yet.

As my grandmother used to say, "don't borrow trouble." It's quite possible that since you children have so many other people in their lives and that there father is only one short plane ride away, it really won't effect them that much.

What seems normal to me, knowing people who do not live in the same county as one or more of their children, is visiting at least once a year in the home country, and once a year in the new county. Whether or not your ex will do that isn't something that you control. Whether or not he will make space for the children in his new home, or make them feel welcome is another thing you don't control. His relationship with the children really is up to him. You can't force it.

It sounds like it is time for everyone to movr on. The reality of it wont be much different for ds.
Kids come to their own realisation about parents at some point.
It will all be fine. Crack on with the divorce .

Germany isn't far awayand the children are all old enough to travel there independently. It might even help their relationship to spend 2 or 3 weekends a year together as a special trip rather than a few hours here and there. Ultimately they are all adults or nearly adults, you seem to be giving them a secure base and hopefully soon they will move out and be independent too.

Okay - he is your Ex so you should get out of his life.
Your DC are grown up, they will cope and it shouldn’t be a problem (they might need more help if it was a one way trip to Mars, but Germany should be no problem).
Your DC might even get jobs somewhere other than London. It is not the centre of the Universe. Actually Germany might be a better option after Brexit.

You in the nicest possible way, need to stop being a busy body & let everyone move on, at their own pace

Thanks to all of you fir your thoughtful comments.

My DP doesn't live with us. He us also going to sell his house and we will both contribute as much as we can towards deposit, take a mortgage and have shared finances. He is happy to contribute 50% towards bills and food etc. We've discussed that.

I have been living as a single parent fir many years and agree with @Isetan that I worry about losing my independence. Now I am deciding about everything etc and am very happy about it. I know I want us to move in together but at the same time the dynamics if our family will change.
DP and I we both are professionals and in fairly secure jobs so finances should be OK even if ex can't contribute further. DP also suggested to offer ex a chance to stop paying maintenance for a smaller share from the sale of the house if that is what ex prefers. I will discuss this with ex next week.
I know I am holding to the current arrangement because this is working and am afraid unnecessarily of a big change. This is illogical but "known known" is alluring more than "unknown known", even though I made up mu mind already.

I agree that it is my ex's job to get his relationship working with his kids. I think even though I stepped away from micromanaging him I still have this learned behaviour to try to fix it for him. He is very passive person. I took on this emotional responsibility of "working things out" in our marriage when he was practically shutting himself off. He in the end cheated on me. It took me over 2 years to get over that betrayal. We have good relationship now.

I hope I am providing enough support to my kids. They seem to be well adjusted and we don't suffer from meltdowns or argue. They have friendship groups they can rely on and also are very close. My DS always tries to bake something for my DD when she comes home from her Uni for a visit and they spend time together catching up. But are also on Snapchat all the time.

Yes, I should just crack on with everything to make this transition smooth for my family. Ex's siblings are sometimes in despair at his behaviour and they told me that they admire how well I brought my kids considering ex is emotionally distant and I have fewer resources than them. My whole family lives in the country I grew up in. We visit often but I had very little support with childcare. Hence less money in general etc. I know now it only mattered in that we couldn't move to a bigger house.

I hope kids will work out some regular contact with him. They will have good emotional support in my DP. He cares for them and is genuinely interested in their life.
Who knows about the future. Kids may take passports from my home country if they want to and work on the Continent in the future.

DP also suggested to offer ex a chance to stop paying maintenance for a smaller share from the sale of the house if that is what ex prefers. I will discuss this with ex next week.

Oh dear, it really isn't his place for your DP to be making those suggestions and anyway it wouldn't be in your Ex's best financial interests, considering that his maintenance payments will soon be reduced because of your children's ages.

I think your DP's motive here, is to maximise your ability to finance the new set up, which of course financially benefits him. I get the impression that your current DP may not be totally happy with the financial contribution he may being expected to contribute to your nearly grown children. After all, this big house that he's being expected to help finance, is more for you and your kids benefit, than his.

You've done a good job but your children are nearly adults but you still refer to them in terms to suggest that they are much younger than they are. I think the transitioning into a new phase is really scaring you and the finances (despite your protestations) are big part of that fear.

The current set up affords you more financial autonomy that you can expect by going 50/50 with the new guy. I really think you should live with the new guy before buying with him, it's time to see if your your relationship can stand up to the pressure surrounding the new phase in your life.

I think you need to attach figures to your plans and be realistic about how you intend to finance your contribution to the plan.

Very wise words @Isetan

I find it hard to talk about finances (goes back to issues with money when my late father didn't want to contribute towards my maintenance when I was a child). It all comes back even nearly 3 decades later.

I never talked to anyone on how it affects my life on many levels. Obviously I can't share this with my children at this stage of their life. They may feel I am suggesting they are a burden to me. They aren't and I want the best for them.

I think you maybe right thinking that DP has those reservations about his potential contribution. I feel he may. But he doesn't want to come across as a mean person.
I can see that he may feel he is worrying he is going to be contributing more than he feels comfortable it is fair. I have to talk to him about it again.

Yes to not transiting my protectiveness towards them. Parents divorcing is not what they chosen. You are right I am being overprotective in the way I am thinking about their resilience and their ability to work things out for themselves. Is not right as it will interfere in them building healthy relationships in their life.

I really value and enjoy my financial autonomy. It's very important to me. We need to sit down and plan in more details. We should be able to do it next year. DP's mum died after long illness in July and he is trying to help his disabled dad to settle down in his new routine. That is a bit worry for him. I suggested sitting down to talk about money last month but he said he is too stressed and can we do it in Spring. It doesn't matter to postpone it by few months. I won't be making any big decisions anyway. Ex's move may give me direction to sort all of it out.

Maybe it's time to talk to a professional about the various elephants in the room. The work you do now could pay dividends in the Sping, when you hopefully are able to have a more open conversation about money and expectations.

However, 'I'm too stressed to talk about money but by all means try and leverage more cash from your Ex' sounds more like,'don't bother me until you can bring more cash to the table'.

Maybe now isn't the time but you're been together for five years and it appears that there is an expectation mismatch that can't be resolved in vague talks. The current set up has enabled you both to avoid the serious conversation for a long time and you probably aren't the only one who is aprehensive about the impending relationship and financial dynamic change.

Don't let your past fears dictate a direction that isn't in everyone's best interest. It would be a bad idea to tie yourself to the financial long term in order to satisfy the short. The financial autonomy you enjoy now does have a price and thats why the thought of your Ex leaving and disturbing the financial status quo, is unsettling. You can't keep putting this off.

The way it is coming across to me is that you are still treating your children as if they were kids. You are assuming they will want to live with you after graduating, and not wanting to talk to them about adult matters.

It is your choice to still treat them as such and wanting them close by, but it doesn't mean that your OH has to do the same. I stopped seeing my parents weekly when I was 18 and I moved abroad. Since then, I see them a few times a year. That doesn't mean I am not close to them, but as an adult, I didn't need them in my life that regularly and neither did them.

Your kids will have a different relationship with you than with their dad, but that doesn't mean they can't feel close to their dad seeing him less often. Who knows what the future will bring, maybe one will decide to go and take the opportunity to live in Germany for a few months and stay with him.

I don't think it would be right for him to feel he has to stay local where it would seem he is not happy just because his adult kids want to know he is nearby if they need him.

The leveraging of cash from my ex was something we talked about last year, long before his mum died etc, but you may be right that over all he may be thinking I am trying to take advantage of him.

Writing my last response earlier this morning I started thinking the I ought to get some counselling to address those insecurities. Until i started writing this morning I didn't realise how emotional I am feeling about all of this.
So yes, the whole unsettling feeling comes from some unresolved old emotions. I had some counselling after my father died nearly 8 years ago. It opened flooding of emotions I didn't know I was holding back. I can't put off digging in to see where all this came from and how to change the way I react to realities in life.

Maybe I am misplacing my worries thinking that it is my kids I should look after and worry about whilst in fact I should really look after my own feelings first and then I can support them better and not to crack under pressure should anything bad happen (as it does from time to time in anyone's life). There was v.stressful health related issue with one of my children (I don't want to say anything because I may out myself) last year, it took me months to get back to normal and stop worrying. I know how precious stability is.

I spoke to my kids about the future regarding where they want to live. They were reassured they can move back home if they want to after they graduate, we live in London and prices of rooms in shared houses here are so high for new graduates it eats up to half of their take home pay. Their friends are here and they have good social life. If they wish to move out I won't stop them, they will choose what suits them best.

I think the only grown-up thing I don't want to talk to them about are my own insecurities. They can't be burdened with my unresolved emotions. They can't help anything in that matter. It may make them feel responsible for my feelings. My internal feelings and worries are mine to work through to resolution.