I feel so angry with my DH.

[WeWillNeverBeRoyals]

I don't know where to start really.

My husband and I have been married for five years. We have two beautiful daughters, aged 3 and 6 months.

He's not without his faults, but he is essentially a good guy. He is devoted to the girls. Works really hard. Helps out with the kids and around the house. Doesn't have much of a temper to speak of, loyal, trustworthy.

I fell in love with him because (amongst other things) he was even tempered, laid back, he made me laugh. He was always lovely to me. When our eldest was born he was so good. So hands on. Always telling me to rest, making sure I got out by myself etc.

I dunno. I struggled with my second pregnancy, sickness, along with coping with a toddler. He got promoted and his work ramped up and became more intense. I'm not going to say that I was easy to live with, I clearly wasn't. But he wasn't either. We lost our way. We fought a lot more than usual. Or we didn't speak.

I haven't felt for a long time like we are a team. I think this became clear to me when he had a huge go at me the morning of my c section with DD2, in the hospital car park (I blamed him because we were running late. It was his fault. He's a dreadful faff, and he got really defensive). I'm still really struggling to get past that. It's unlike him but he knew I was frightened and uptight and he still had a go at me and gave me the silent treatment for the first hour of the day. In the delivery room he cried when DD was born, held her, fell in love with her. But there was nothing between us. He barely held my hand. I just didn't feel any sort of "togetherness" from him.

Since DD2 has arrived things have improved but I don't feel like they are where they should be. He does quite a lot for the girls and around the house. Not an equal amount, but in fairness I'm on mat leave and he's working so that's fair enough. However, he has become a ball of stress. Takes nothing to wind him up. He always seems angry if, for example, his sleep is disturbed, or the girls waken after he's put them to bed. It's hard to explain. He will get up and deal with them but he's so obviously pissed off about doing so. He always apologises afterwards, says he was just tired, but I feel like he makes it so fraught. I feel like I can't ask him for help sometimes.

He works hard, but he does have a lot of down time. He is out two nights a week playing football, and he's going away on two stag weekends in the next few months. In the meantime, I have cancelled my only Christmas night out because I don't believe he can deal with putting the two of them to bed without it being incredibly stressful for all concerned. I'm not bothered about his stress but I don't want DD1 to feel it.

He knows I've cancelled it. He hasn't said anything. Hasn't tried to persuade me to go. Hasn't even asked me why I've cancelled it. He's always looking for his own down time and he doesn't give a fuck about mine. It's like he's only out for himself.

I feel so angry and undervalued and under appreciated. I simply don't think he loves me any more. He denies this. Says of course he does, he's just tired and he's sorry. He desperately doesn't want to split but then nothing changes.

Sorry this was so long. I could go on and on.

So go out for Christmas do.
Honestly.
It might not be ideal but if you split he could have them a lot more on his own.
He will find a way to get through.
Let him do it.
Get your own down time.

I don't want him to find a way through at the expense of DD1. She's a pain at bedtimes right now (I don't know why). He can't deal with it. He'll tell her off and she'll cry herself to sleep asking for me. I can't do it

Reading your post, I am reminded of me. My DDs are 6 & 3 and I've been had tempered and snappy for a while. A couple of years? There's a history of depression in the female line of my family and I've recently started to consider that motherhood has triggered depression in me. I get stressed so easily now and irritable and anxious, especially when I'm running late or can't find something.

Do you think your DH could have something similar?

I dunno. Maybe. He's had anxiety in the past. Years ago but I guess it wouldn't be a huge leap.

I actually think he's just lost interest in us and the novelty of having kids has worn off. Not many of his pals have kids. I think he wants to work the hours he needs to then relax. He doesn't want to rush home for six to be handed a child to deal with. But tough. He's their dad.

If you're right, that's dreadful. As you say, he's their dad. Tough! And he's your DH too.

My DP was a bit like this, couldn't understand why I would be pissed off that he wanted to trot off to the gym 3 nights a week whilst I barely had time to brush my hair.

I contracted meningitis (not intentionally obviously) which put me in hospital for a week meaning he seriously had to pull his finger out and he had a small taste of what I actually do for my family. My 10 month old let him feel her displeasure at my absence especially. He had to take emergency time off work and get stuck right in.

When I came home he practically rolled out the red carpet and a lot changed, think it made him realise just what a bloody good job I do and just how much. I also work, although only 3 days a week it's 3 days more than he did during his week wearing the motherly apron! There was a shift in the household pattern. He is a lot more involved and hands on now, he has experienced it for himself!

I'm not suggesting you nip out and contract a disease or anything but is there any way you can maybe book a weekend break for you and a friend? If he is going on 2 stag dos surely you are entitled to some downtime too, leaving him at the helm of the ship for a couple of days feeling the strain?

Great post ready

Could you not get a babysitter or ask your mum to come round
Ideally it should be your husband but he needs to know that he is incapable

Uncancel your Christmas do. It will do him good, and your daughter won't suffer any lasting damage.

I think if you don't get a better balance, the resentment you feel will just grow and grow.

Another vote for uncancelling the Christmas do. And another for buggering off on your own with friends for a weekend. And another thumbs up for ready.

He needs to learn to cope on his own, and a bit of stress for the odd evening is not going to adversely affect your child. If he is left, he may come to an understanding of how his behaviour is contributing to bedtime chaos. And with you out of the picture, it's even possible it may break the current bedtime pattern you have going with your daughter.

Re your delivery - my husband went and had lunch with his mum mid my 17 hour first labour, post epidural when I passed out for a bit. I woke up alone, then the idiot didn't answer his phone for three calls. I still ( 14 years later) haven't quite forgotten it, but there are bigger things to hold grudges over in my mind- and I haven't let it fester - I just occasionally throw in a dig in circumstances ( in a group of friends) where I know he will get pilloried for it. We also had a massive fight in the car on the way to delivery DS2 where he was driving so slowly, I called him Miss Daisy and to stop driving like a fucking 90 year old. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the trip, but did speed up. We are still married.
In your circumstances, he was a dick- but both of you were stressed and I would let it go.

I don't think he will change in your current way of doing things, unless you step aside and stop responding in a manner that allows him to throw a subtle strop. He's probably doing it, to avoid doing things - and has made a mental association on some level, that if he vibes out irritation you will step in. Stop it. Let him roll his eyes etc.

The worst time in our marriage was when we had two small children. Both of us struggled comparing life before and life after children. You can get past it.

Another thumbs up for ready. Uncancel your night out, he will cope. You will not know how he manages unless you let do so and he may well surprise you. Being the only person who can parent effectively in your house isn't going to work for you long term so walking away for a while and letting him do it hopefully will be good for both of you. Young DC are really hard work and a strain on the best of relationships, it does pass.

Don't give up your night. Without you there he will have to just get on with it. Go out and enjoy yourself and don't feel bad - I reckon he is acting all useless on purpose.

Can I be blunt? (but honest) Sounds like he didn't realllly want a second child...?

Just from what you've said in your OP. The snapping and lack of shared joy. It all starting the day you had the baby etc. Definitely sounds like baby regret I'm sorry

I had minor surgery and when I was home OH shouted at me for standing up, saying whatever I wanted he would get - I needed the loo He was a bit testy beforehand as well, but it was just because he was worried about me.

I say go on the night out, you're child won't be scarred even if he does loose his temper once. Also it's entirely possible it would go better than you think.

I did wonder about depression/anxiety when I first read the post too as a possibility.

You & OH need to have a good talk about this, easier said than done I know. The only time OH & I were off with each other for any length of time it turned out it was because we both wanted to start TTC and didn't think the other did.

If it is just him wanting more downtime, then tough luck on him TBH. Not much of an option with children & that was his decision too I presume.

I had a similar experience to yours when labouring with DD2. I’m sure that he was stressed and struggling with the idea of a second child. (to be fair it wasn’t a fight, it was him shouting abuse at me for at least an hour and barely speaking to me or acknowledging me throughout the delivery). But that night ended our marriage.

It took me years to find the strength to leave, but I stopped loving him that night. I remember saying to him “you can’t come back from this,” between contractions while he stood and mocked me.

Granted, it sounds more intense than your experience. But the knowledge that a partner has been withdrawn or hurtful when you’re at your most vulnerable is hard to forget- especially if it comes back to you every year during your child’s birthday.

Thank you for the replies. There is a lot of food for thought here.

I take the points about uncancelling my Christmas night out and I am reconsidering. I am always, always with my girls and perhaps this is not healthy. On the face of it he is happy for me to go out (he'd never be stupid enough to say otherwise) but his actions say otherwise. There might also be an element of wanting to control their care on my part. I'll try to reign that in.

He definitely wanted a second baby. He felt strongly that DD1 should have a sibling. However, I think if it had been entirely up to him he would have waited another year or two. I wanted them close together. I didn't badger him into it though. He just kind of said if that's what I wanted then that's what we would do. It is hard. Of course it's hard. But I knew it would be. But it's temporary and short lived and things will settle. I wouldn't be without my girls and I don't believe that he would be either.

I'm going back to work (3 days per week) in May. I don't know how we will cope.

If you are aware you are trying to control the children's care then his behaviour could be down to him feeling excluded from the three of you, or that he feels that you think he isn't good enough, especially if you won't leave them with him for an evening. As I said if you don't talk then you won't know.

Yeah I think when you are very pregnant and vulnerable unkindness, abuse, lack of responsibility or compassion from your partner can be burned into your memory.

With h when I was pg with twins I literally did everything to prepare for their arrival, explained everything to him, particularly the increased likelihood I/the babies would be very unwell during pg/after birth.

He had one job; to buy a car with enough seats for us all to fit in and get rid of the car we had at the time. We found out it was twins at the 12 week scan. I got increasingly nagging about it over the pg because it was super important to me that the older kids were able to come to the hospital to pick us up and take us home.

He only got the car 3 months after I gave birth. I will never forget it and I still don’t know why it happened, though I suspect it was because he had some (forever undisclosed) idea that he thought was better than mine and just PA did what he wanted because that is what he often does.

We are separated.

I too think you should go out and carve out downtime for yourself.

As for baby regret, tough titty. No matter how you feel if you have babies you are responsible for them...