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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do

14 replies

Help990 · 27/11/2017 13:34

So me and my bf have been together for just over a year. We have a really good relationship and I love him to pieces but recently he’s been lying to me. It’s nothing major, usually when he goes out with friends but I’m now stuck because I feel like I can’t forgive him.

It first started a few months ago when it was our 1 year anniversary. We had booked to go away for the weekend but the night before he told me he was going to the pub ‘for a few’ with his friends. We have a good relationship where going out with friends is not a problem as long as we let each other know when the other is home. I found out through a friend he got home about 4 in the morning but I hadn’t heard from him since 11pm. The next morning (the day we’re going away) he tells me he had a few beers and left the pub at midnight and went straight home. Obviously I knew this was a lie so asked him outright. He said he forgot he went back to his friends house after the pub and then he got s taxi back home. It turned out he was so drunk he didn’t remember the night even though he told me he’d only had a few. We still ended up going away, he was hungover, throwing up everywhere and it was ruined. What hurt the most was the fact it wasn’t just a normal weekend, it was our anniversary and he let me down. Now the most recent one was Saturday, his friend was throwing a surprise party for his girlfriends 21st and we were both invited. My bf told me he didn’t want to go because it was more of a family thing and i wasn’t fussed as I didn’t really know them. We planned to have s night in instead. So Saturday comes and we have an argument in the morning whixh he caused for no reason. So we didn’t talk and later that day he asked if I wanted to see him which I said no because I was still angry. At 7:30 (everyone had to be there by 8) he messages to say ‘if I go to this party you’re still more than welcome to come’ So that annoyed me due to him saying he didn’t want to, I asked him constantly if he wanted to go and he didn’t. At 10pm he tells me he went to the party but has only been there for 20 minutes and he’ll be leaving soon. That hurt me a lot because he knew how annoyed I was yet he still went. At 1am he’s still there. On Sunday I sees him and we managed to sort things out, he went to the party because he didn’t want to sit in feeling shit, I still don’t agree with him going but we have to move on but a couple of things that was said didn’t add up so I asked him. It turned out he was at the party from 8:15 (he asked me at 7:30 I could go if he decided to go, he was already on his way) when he told me he’d got there around 9:45. He told me he was staying for a bit and got home at 2am. I am really disappointed and feel completely let down by this. I know it’s nothing huge but he’s still lied to me.

Am I overreacting and how do I try and sort this out ?

TIA

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 27/11/2017 13:37

not over reacting, get rid! He is treating you like shit and you are allowing him to do so. Far too many red flags in there.

Myheartbelongsto · 27/11/2017 13:39

You sound like hard work op, sorry.

Choccywoccydoo10 · 27/11/2017 13:46

He caused an argument on purpose because he wanted to go to the party without you. So by having a row it was he excuse that he would go because he didn't want to sit in Feeling upset. I've had it before. It will only get worse

Help990 · 27/11/2017 13:48

This is exactly what I thought! He’s adamant that he wanted me to go and he only went so he didn’t have to stay in but it’s exactly how it looks

OP posts:
Choccywoccydoo10 · 27/11/2017 13:50

Course he will say that. But he's playing games. Seems like him going out and getting drunk is more important than spending time with you. Sorry OP get rid.

Bananalanacake · 27/11/2017 13:55

The way to go is to let him do what he wants and not care. Each live your own lives and meet up twice a week or so. Sounds like you don't live together so that is good in that you have your own space.

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 14:02

Hes no angel but you sound controlling.

What the hell is up with all this time analysis?

"So let me get this straight, Tom. You claim you were at the party at 9.45pm, yet a reliable witness disproves this statement".

For fucks sake.

You sound easily hurt and upset and he probably finds it really OTT. I would.

I also think stop with all the americanising - a weekend away for your 1 year anniversary with a boyfriend?

Come on.

You're probably a sweet person but you need to stop being so intense.

Help990 · 27/11/2017 14:07

He told me he was at the party and 9:45 and then put his foot in it and changed his story. You might be happy about being lied to but I’m not, especially by someone I should be able to rush.

If we want to go away and celebrate every month for our anniversary we will.

OP posts:
Amatree · 27/11/2017 14:10

I don't think that having spent a year with this person is much to celebrate I'm afraid-I would definitely end it. Sounds pretty miserable all round.

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 14:14

@Help990
He obviously lied to you because you probably have form for going batshit crazy over ridiculous things like what exact time is he going to be somewhere, what exact time did he get home, how exactly long he spent in a specific location.

He probably knew if he told you he got there at 8pm you would be "hurt" that he'd had a full night out.

He told you before he arrived that you should come with - you said no and now suddenly hes the bad guy?

You know the other night that he got home at 4am - why? How do you know that? Because you asked a friend? Because you're essentially spying on him?

He is very wrong to lie but I dont blame him. He does it for an easy life. If he had told you he got in at 4am there probably qould be loads of "hurt" questions: why 4am? Who was he with? Why? Why did he have to stay out that long? Repeat to infinity.

Help990 · 27/11/2017 14:17

I don’t care what time he goes out, what time he gets home, who he’s with or where he goes. What I care about is him lying about these things when there’s no need to

OP posts:
CryptFascist · 27/11/2017 14:30

Had this before from boyfriends who liked to drink a lot.
They cause a fight so they can have an excuse to get slaughtered without the girlfriend disapproving - but who wants a vomiting, slurring, argumentative drunk? That’s the reason for the disapproval, not to mention the way it eats up the entire weekend due to hangover and remorse.
Only one way to solve this I’m afraid and that’s ditch him.

Nelly1727 · 27/11/2017 14:36

I think you need to relax a bit and not ask for a breakdown of timings etc and he may be more truthful with you.

swingofthings · 27/11/2017 14:53

He can't win can he! He is just a bit immature, but so are you. So he got drunk before your anniversary, stupid indeed, annoying without a doubt, but one of those things you let them know you're not impressed and then move on because it's not the end of the world.

As for the party, you're the one who was unreasonable. He didn't really want to go and would have preferred to spend the evening with you, except that this was not an option any longer because you didn't want it. He didn't want to stay in alone feeling sorry for himself so decided to go even if it wasn't going to be great fun because at least he would be with other people. Still contacted you at the last minute to offer to join him, which he really didn't need to do, and still the poor guy is in the wrong.

You are young and those are the things you argue about but really, you need to pick your fights and more importantly not dwell on these things or you are going to be forever frustrated and he is going to be fed up with being constantly put on the spot. It's the reason why he is lying and will only lying even more if you don't cut him some slack.

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