Stately Homers - dealing with Christmas

[clarrylove]

As usual, I am absolutely dreading Christmas. We are low contact with my parents but this time of year always seems to force the issue. They live a distance away so it would normally involve us staying with them or them coming to us. I don't like either option and keep stalling when my mum rings. She gets in a strop and keeps hanging up on me!

My friend (who doesn't know the full picture) thinks I should make an effort as it is Christmas for the sake of my two children. But it makes me bloody miserable!!

Any tips? Or if not tips, solidarity? Just want to hibernate and wake up in the spring!

Just tell het that you're doing your own thing this Xmas. If she has a strop about it, well that's her problem, and she has to accept that you won't be with her every Xmas. You are absolutely allowed to spend time with whoever you wish at this time of year.

I'm low contact with mine at the moment (six weeks since I heard from them) and I don't know what to do. My mother went too far (she has depression) mocking and putting me down, shouting if I don't visit at least twice a week even though I work full time. About 20 miles.

So I just haven't contacted her and them me.

Why does the 25th December dissolve people to jelly? Big girls pants and say you are having Christmas at home this year. Good thing if she hangs up!! Peace in the festive season!! Don't sacrifice your day for someone you don't really like!! Love them maybe but seriously do you like them? What waste what could be a lovely day with your dc??

I think that's what we did last year. And possibility year before. We quite often go away to avoid the problem but can't this year. She lays on the guilt that they will be all alone and it might be their last blah blah. The main problem is they Don't have any friends at all or get on with any other members of the family so it is always pressure put on me.

Anyone else with dysfunctional families finding it difficult?

Having a particularly difficult time with my mother this year. I’ve finally grown a back bone and made plans to spend Xmas at the in laws for the first time in 13 years, as you can imagine it went down like a cup of cold sick.

Much like your situation Clarry, it falls to me to be chief entertainer, confidant, chauffeur etc as she has alienated and pushed away all of her friends and most of her family. We’ve had tantrums, crocodile tears, abusive mud slinging, guilt trips galore. She was told in September that our plans had been made, and she spent the last 3 months stringing out a hate campaign... it’s exhausting.

The icing on the cake - we work at the same firm so I can’t even go LC or NC at the moment 😬

There is no law to say that you have to spend time with difficult or toxic relations.

Its hard being the last one left because everyone else does not bother with them for good reason but your parents have really brought this upon themselves. You will need to do again what you have done in previous years and say no to either you visiting or they visiting, you need to have boundaries. Do not fall for the emotional guilt trips she is putting on; after all this woman is also not above stropping and slamming the phone down on you to get her own way.

Offering solidarity cIarry as I too am in a very similar situation.

My parents haven't spoken to me since early Oct. I have made contact and tried to reach out with phone calls & texts but been ignored. Not sure why. They celebrated birthdays this month and I sent flowers, cards tried to ring. Not heard a thing.

We live around 100+ miles away and I'll be 35 weeks pregnant at Christmas so really, really can't face the drive there and back in one day.

They refuse to visit me and haven't since Feb 2013. The only time they will 'accept' me is if I travel to see them, organise everything, so pretty much all on their terms.

In truth I don't know their Xmas plans but I'm 100% certain they are pissed off because they insist on holding court and as I can't attend they have cut me off. They are also very reclusive and so I recognise what some of you are saying about the pressure. Is it a large ploy to ensure we dance to their tune? I dunno, I'm not even sure they care, just as long as I make things nice and convenient for them......

I always feel tense and sad at this time of year, feeling I have to go, mixed with anger that I don't want to and furious that they make no effort for me. It does suck.