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Relationships

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long distance relationships

19 replies

browser07 · 26/11/2017 19:09

A general question about long distance relationships. who has tryed it and can they work out ? if so any advice appreciated.

distance is 4.5 hours by car.

thanks.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 26/11/2017 19:11

I have but my distance was 3,547 miles. It didn’t work out.

Polarbearflavour · 26/11/2017 19:20

I think for a set period of time it can work. I see DP on weekends at the moment but then we get a full 48 hours together. Currently around a 2 hour drive away or 2.5 hours on the train. We are moving to live 20 mins drive away in January with a view to then moving in together.

I wouldn’t want to do long distance for much longer. A few months has been okay. It’ll be nice to see each other weekdays AND weekends and be much closer!

Cakefortea1 · 26/11/2017 19:24

Yes, 400 Miles here and working out perfectly Smile

Tinselistacky · 26/11/2017 19:25

I was in one years ago, best relationship I ever had and wish I could go back to that time and do things differently. I am not a patient person and didn't stop to realise what we had.

falleninlove · 26/11/2017 19:28

I'm in one. Distance is a 3 hour flight. We see each other every 3 months. He is very happy with things as they are. I am struggling badly. And each time I decide I am going to have to draw a line (and there have been several times) I just can't do it because he is the love of my life and I cannot face the thought of not seeing him again.

To get it to work you need to have a life outside him - work, family, friends - so that you don't have time to dwell on the fact that he's not there. This is the root of my problem - I have no family or friends (literally zero of both) so am totally isolated with far too much time on my hands to realise how much I miss him.

NotTheFordType · 26/11/2017 19:29

It will work fine as long as you have a "don't ask don't tell" approach to local casual sex on both your parts.

MaggieS41 · 26/11/2017 19:33

My DH had a long distance relationship for the first year and we were 24 hours away on a plane! It worked out and we’re now married with 2 kids and live together. Question is how long are you planning on doing this? It might takes its toll over a certain period of time. But ultimately depends on what you and your partner want long term.

expatinspain · 26/11/2017 19:34

It can, if there is an end in sight. We did it for 18 months seeing each other one weekend a month. Longer holidays at dinner, Easter and Christmas and always birthdays together. It was tough! Now we are together, thankfully.

Breezy1985 · 26/11/2017 19:37

I have been currently for nearly 2 years, we are actually moving in together next month though. He comes to mine on his days off and we go to his in the school holidays, I couldn't do the distance thing for much longer.

mindutopia · 26/11/2017 19:44

They absolutely can, but I think you have to have a plan for how you'll manage it and also realistically know where it's going and be on the same page about that (like you aren't going to still be long distance in 7 years time, so you'll need to decide who is going to move, how that would work, how that would affect your lives, etc. or at least set a future date by which you will decide those things). My dh and I were long distance for about 2.5 years. And by long distance, I mean 11 hours by plane. He lived in the UK and I lived in California in the U.S. We met working abroad as expats in Asia, dated for about 7 months there, before we had to move back to our respective countries.

So we did spent 7 solid months when we were together nearly every single day after work/on weekends and sleeping over nearly every single night. And when we moved home and became long distance, we did it knowing that we intended to figure out a way to be in the same country together as soon as we could and with the intention to get married after we did that. I had just made a 2 year commitment to a particular career path just as we had met and started dating that meant I had to go back to the U.S. He was committed to being in the UK for at least another year. We spent an awful lot of money, but we managed to fly to see each other about every 2-3 months for two weeks to a month at a time for 2 years. We are fortunate that our professional lives allow for that sort of flexibility and travel. And we started planning from the very start how one of us would move to be with the other (unfortunately, dh's visa was denied as he didn't have enough investment, mortgage, etc. in the UK to be able to prove he only planned to be in the U.S. a few years), so it took a bit longer until I could make the move the other way.

It was hard and so expensive, but it was worth it because we always knew there was an end in sight and we focused on future plans. We also were young at the time (in our 20s) with few commitments that might keep us from moving (no kids, no mortgage, no permanent jobs, lots of career flexibility, etc.). I moved to the UK to be with him after 2.5 years and we got married exactly 3 years after we met and have been together nearly a decade now.

So from my perspective, a 4.5 hour drive seems like nothing. I don't even know I'd count that as 'long distance' to be honest, as it is something you could easily do in a weekend. My mum and step-dad lived about 4.5 hours from each other when they first met (online dating). They still spent nearly every weekend together for about 2 years. She would leave work on Friday and drive straight to his and be there by 8:30/9pm and then would get up at like 4am and leave for work on Monday mornings to get in by 9am. But I do think you need to know things are serious or heading that way and you need to be willing to talk about how you'll shift your lives around to be together when the time comes, meaning one or both of you needs to be pretty flexible and happy to make the move for the other.

rememberthetime · 26/11/2017 20:11

A's long as you have a plan for how you are going to be together it might work OK.
In my case, we never made a plan. It has always been just see each other whenever possible and then on to the next time.
The lack of a long term future has brought me to the point of wanting to bring it to a close.
Also I have become very jealous of the time other people get to spend with him...

1DAD2KIDS · 26/11/2017 22:08

A friend of mine met his now wife online. She lived in Las Vegas. Don't read anything into her location, she is just a normal average woman who has lived their all her life. They fell very much in love. He would volunteer for every tour of Afghanistan he could for the 4 years our unit had a det out there just to get the money to fly out and see her. She earnt little but lived with her parents and save her money up to come and she him a couple of time over here. We all met her and she is lovely. Anyway 4 years ago he quit the Forces, married her and moved to Vegas. Got him self a good job and they are very happy.

browser07 · 27/11/2017 13:18

Thanks for your messages , we had a talk and she doesn't think it can work as things are but she said we are the right people for each other so we have split up. I think I have found someone who understands me and want to fight get us back together. Any suggestions and advice ?.

OP posts:
RaspberryBeret34 · 27/11/2017 13:27

It depends on your situations. If you're both tied to your respective home locations for the long term (jobs, children etc), if you don't have much spare time or money (to travel to see each other) then it'd be very difficult.

The only way I could see it working is if you planned out a period of time to get to know eachother with regular visits from both of you. Then one of you moved to be with the other or you chose a neutral place to make a new life together. I'd recommend keeping and renting out any houses you own as a back up plan.

Is it an option to suggest you go to live in her area (not with her but rent somewhere) and get a new job?

StereophonicallyChallenged · 27/11/2017 14:40

I'm just over 2 years in to a ldr (5 hours drive) and I think it can only work if both people are properly committed and both share the journeys/difficulties etc.

I'm very happy atm; there will be an end and we do discuss the future and how we will be together, but at the moment this has to do(we try for every other weekend together as well as holidays etc)

I do think NotTheFordtype has a weird idea of relationships if that's how she/he views things Hmm

Tbh OP, I think it takes more commitment from each other so if she says she's not feeling it then you might just have to accept that sorry.

browser07 · 28/11/2017 18:33

This has been more positive than I thought but I value the honesty . we have been very honest with each other and we have some shared hobbies (that is how we met). I have the time and finances to go and see her but she doesn't always have the time for me to. I am giving her some space at the moment and I hope i will get to see her at a social meeting on the 19th of Dec we planned before we started dating with around 50 mutual friends. she believes she has let me down by not being able to talk and it makes her feel guilty. Dispite me saying that it was nothing like that and I understand she is busy I have suggested that she can call me at 3am (as we used to)as its the only chance we get to talk .
any ideas on how to get this points across ?.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/11/2017 19:18

I think you should just let this go.
It's not just that it's a distance to travel - she doesn't have time to see you when you travel.
Some people do have very busy lives - people who have a full time job and children and are carers for other family members to throw out one example.
But I think most people are able to make time to see someone if they're really interested.
I think you need to consider that's she (unhelpfully) thinking she is letting you down gently by saying you're right for each other "but".

Even if she does really like you, she may be wisely stepping away if she sees no future in it because of the distance.

You've already told her you would like to try. So I think the best strategy now is to back off and let her realise what had gone - though she may be OK with that.

I'm sorry - it's a horrible position for you to be in whatever the truth of her feelings Sad

rememberthetime · 28/11/2017 20:12

This is very similar to my situation. He simply has no time to dedicate to me and I totally understand why. But when you are sat at home waiting for the phone to ring, you make up reasons why they are not calling. Usually, in my case anyway, I think he is doing something he shouldn't be. My mind plays games with me because he hasn't called when he said he would.

So, my advice is to do what I have done. I have put all of the balls in his court. Told him to call only when he wants to and has the time. This will show me how often that is and removes the pressure his end.

its hard though.

Its nice to have stuff to look forward to together. But the relationship has to be nurtured in between or it might not last.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 28/11/2017 21:45

Success here,no longer ld and have a kid

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