My husband is having an affair but he is denying it.

[Princesscharming]

Can anyone tell me how internet browsing sponsored adverts work? An advert for Victoria’s Secrets appeared on my computer today. I have never looked at this website before. I do know however that my H is having an affair, although he Denies it and I wondered If another computer sharing my IP address had been looking at the Victoria’s Secrets website (for his girlfriend not for his wife) would this then promt a Victorias Secrets ad to show up on another linked device??? I know browsing history is tracked so that retailers can promt you again with specific ads but I wondered if this is how it worked??? In desperate need of some hard evidence to pin on him and this might be a good place to start if my understanding of this is correct??

Yes and no. Adverts from companies in your previous search history are far more likely to occur after you searched than before, but also ads are chosen based on who you are (eg the day I turned 30 I started getting ads on Facebook for baby related stuff despite the fact that I don’t have a baby and have never searched for nappies etc, Facebook just assumed a 30yr old woman would want these ads). If VS is regularly appearing as an ad then it’s much more likely ghat the site has been visited/items searched for.

I don't know how it works but I once googled sewing machines and was then bombarded with ads about sewing machine from a lot of companies I had not heard of before, another time quite recently I googled hypothyroidism and successively was bombarded on FB with ads about groups with autoimmune disease. (I have since disallowed third party cookies on my browser.) I'm not familiar with the website you mention and am not considering googling it for obvious reasons, don't want Google to prompt me with ads.

I get Victoria’s Secret ads and have never googled them or visited their website. I don’t think this on its own is necessarily indicative of an affair

You don't need evidence to leave a relationship your not happy in.

This level of paranoia is going to drive you insane. I get it. Been there. But its just not worth it. Either properly properly look or try to step back. And, yes, you can leave anyway.

What makes you think he is having an affair?

Just leave. Affair or not you are unhappy and the trust is gone.

Are you still sleeping with him ?

OP - I don’t know if your H is having an affair - but this is too too far of a reach.
My kids and I share a computer and have different log-ins. And yet - I don’t get any kid-search related adds, and neither do they get my-stuff.
Equally - my H - who uses the same IP adress from his own laptop - he doesn’t get ads for the things I search for - or vice versa.
Computers are pretty smart this way.

Why do you think he is having an affair?
And, if you want to catch him - you need to lay low and pretend to not notice anything. Get him to relax and be careless with his devices.
But even then, if he is smart, you won’t find anything.
As others said - if you are unhappy - proof isn’t really necessary.

Klm and pampers keep popping up for me,but i havent been buying or usiNg either. Alone, this isnt evidence of affair surely?

You don’t need proof of an affair to end a relationship. It’s obvious you don’t trust him or sound very happy. Just end it.

If you already know your H is having an affair, what difference does this ad make? Are you trying to catch him out in his denial? I get this kind of (irrelevant) ad all the time. It proves nothing, I'm afraid. I hope you find some peace of mind, in one way or another.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have firm proof of an affair (Instagram messages professing un dying love for each other) but he said it had finished 4 months ago. I know it’s still going on but I don’t have evidence. I’m leaving him anyway so it should t matter, but I guess what it comes down to is that I feel guilty about insisting that we separate, breaking up the family, selling the family home etc. I need further proof that he is still indeed a shit head. I know it shouldn’t matter, it’s the guilt for the change that DD will experience. I need to know I’m doing the right thing. My gut is telling me I’m doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing, love

Save your energy for getting you and your dd to a better place

You are doing the right thing. You have proof, more proof isn't needed - I understand the (misplaced) guilt you feel towards the children, but honestly there is no magical amount of proof that will make you feel better.

You know what's he's doing and you know you deserve better.

His search history could affect ads you see if you use the same login for chrome or similar.

My DH had been watching a lot of cooking videos on you tube recently and now recommendations for similar videos are popping up on my phone. Must be linked by internet.

I know exactly how you feel OP, it’s incredibly hard to end things when you’re being gaslighted. I was in exactly the same place about 6 months ago, I think I would still be living in misery if I hadn’t got my ‘extra’ proof, as I was not strong enough to go up against him without it. It’s been hard enough to end it anyway! You are 100% doing the right thing, even if you don’t have proof it’s still going on, use the fact that he professed undying love to her as your crossed line to help you end it anyway. Good luck to you

I'm a woman and I get ads for penis enlargement. Knowing my husband very well I don't believethat it is related to a search he did... my cousin gets ads for powerdrills, she is a dressmaker...

Sometimes google gets it wrong.

You actually don't need evidence to break up with someone. If you can't believe him anymore then that's enough.

An affair that’s over is still a good reason to end your marriage.

Gosh OP - you are totally doing the right thing. He is a shit head.

HI op, I work in marketing, and run digital ad campaigns every day.

In answer to your question no, this is not evidence. When I place ads for my brand I create a target group which could be eg women aged 25-35 who have a degree, work and don’t have children. Or it could be for 72 year old men who went to Spain in the last 12 months. Whatever Victoria’s secrets target group is for this campaign, you fit into it.

Retargeting is also a commonly used method of advertising, whereby a retailer will show you products you previously browsed on their site elsewhere around the internet, but this is done by placing a cookie on your computer, so not across different machines.

I hope that helps answer that question. However I agree with the others, leave now! I split from my DH earlier this year and we are now in the middle of divorce. We have children, it’s hard, I frequently feel guilty and I totally empathise with your wish not to be cruel, you just have to keep reminding yourself that he is the protagonist here, not you. He made the split happen by having an affair, you are now just following the steps required to finish off what he started.

Showing your DD that women do not put up with shit from men - is a good enough reason to go through with the divorce. Regardless of whether the affair is over now or not.

Thanks OP’s some great advice and really helpful comments. Curls that has answered my initial question, thank you.
I am being gaslighted. I’ve had 14 years of it, only just realised what it is. He’s always made me question my reality so my voice, my instinct has being quietened over the years, I’ve always taken his explanation of anything to be fact and ignored my own opinion. Gosh, I sound like such a drip!! So gathering as much evidence as I can to support my reality so that he can’t explain it all away is where I’m coming from with this. I’m getting stronger though, I’m hoping the point at which i don’t care if he’s still seeing her or not and I don’t feel like I’m the one to blame for the break up is nearly in reach. Thanks again OP’s.

Yes, if you share and IP address, you will share sponsored ads as well. It happens to us all the time. My dh is self-employed so he is regularly searching for very specific business-related items (things very specific to his particular field that no normal person would ever be googling) and I often get them pop up on my sponsored ads, like literally the exact same piece of industrial equipment from the exact same website he had been looking at an hour earlier. Similarly, I'm getting ready to go out on mat leave and have been looking for a few very specific baby items, and he gets those on his computer. Obviously, there are often multiple devices on each IP address and I think it's set to intentionally not discriminate between devices to get the widest reach in advertising. Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear, but sounds like you already know the truth anyway.