He’s left after 5 years of living together and now wants to date me

[Cantbearsedaswell]

I have been struggling so much (now having counselling). After he left I was and still am devastated. I hate living alone and miss his company so much. He said he would like to go out to places and meet up when we can. We have met up once a week so far. Last night we went to dinner where I was feeling anxious, I ended up having too much wine which led to me crying outside my house, mostly because he wouldn’t stay with me. I feel so ashamed and overwhelmed with everything. I should be able to cope with this, but I’m so sad and can’t seem to be my usual bubbly self. I called him and apologised for the behaviour. What could’ve been a lovely night was overcome by stupid emotions. I feel betrayed by him because I feel I took a major risk allowing myself to love in the first place. I don’t regret him at all but I miss him so much. He said he will not live with me again but we are still seeing each other to see if we can save our relationship. Either way, I am devastated as it’s so hard to sleep alone.

You need to make a complete break, I'm sorry but he's keeping you hanging just in case. Walk away

You need to end this and go nc. It’s going to be hard but the reality is, he doesn’t want you. Or at least not enough. He is keeping you hanging on and available whilst he looks for alternative options. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have left.

You need to rip off the plaster and deal with the pain rather than dragging it out.

Oh that's awful

Tell him it's all or nothing

You need to cut all contact as this will get you nowhere. He’s said he will never leave be with you again which is what you want to happen ultimately so dating will not help. I think you will end up feeling worse. He wants his cake and to eat it by the sound of it. It might not feel like it right now but as surely as day follows night, you will get over him. You deserve so much better that this big hugs

Thank you for your supportive messages.

You poor thing, your ex has behaved disgracefully.
He didn;t even have the decency to tell you it was over, but has left you dangling.
As said up thread go no contact. Delete his numbers everything, Unfriend him on Facebook.
You have no need to apologise, especially to him for being upset.
this book is good.
I am definitely not advocating getting him back, but it explains the self care you need to put in place so that you can get through this and not give him any more fuel to stoke his ego.

That book does sound good. We have been through quite a lot with teenagers etc. He has been a rock and really supportive for years. We both went through hell at work and it took its toll on both of us. He’s also been suffering from depression and has now resigned from his job. He does love me and I also him, that’s why this is so hard. He moved back to his house which his wife and adult kids live in. He and his ex were hoarders and he is spending his days clearing out the back room which is full of his stuff to the ceiling. He’s not with his wife, there’s no way he would ever go back to her. After years of cheating on him , he left her and then we got together. Shes also in a serious relationship with someone and has been for a while. He has been sleeping on the sofa and the armchair, I’ve been to the house a few times and seen it for myself. He’s hoping to clear the room so he can put a bed in the back room. Maybe I really need to walk away but it’s so difficult with so many feelings involved.

So he thinks going back to the house he shared with his ex wife after 5 YEARS is better than living with you???

Sorry OP you deserve better. He is leaving you hanging, keeping you ‘there’ just in case

He has told you he will not move back in with you. He thinks living in the same house as his ex wife and sleeping on the sofa is better than moving back in the woman he’s meant to love (you).

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You deserve so much more.

In the kindest way you need to grow a backbone and tell him it’s all or nothing. You are not his back up option and you are NOT there when he wants you.

OP, take it one step at a time.
Just go no contact so that you have the space to deal with looking after yourself.
Your ex / oh obviously needs space to do his thing. Also read the old classic, men are from mars. He is in his cave. Do no disturb. Men need their own space to figure their shit out. His future may or may not include you, However old fashioned as it seems, he needs to come for you, You cannot follow him, persuade him etc. All you can influence is your own well being.
If you are also struggling to cope, speak to your GP as well, too much alcohol is self medicating, so maybe you could help with a mild ssri. Also, cliched as it is, get some exercise. An evening gymn class will get you out of the house and then you will be tired enough to sleep.

This is stuff I have learned the hard way, through losses of a similar kind. Good luck and keep talking, here, to your therapist and to good friends. you are allowed to fall apart, just no in front of him.

Thank you

He sounds like a right catch. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but find your backbone love and get rid of this twat.

He is now bunking with his ex wife, who has a partner. I mean, it couldn't get more dysfunctional? Is your self esteem that low that you feel he is ALL you can get?

As someone else said rip the plaster off and deal with the pain and move on. Work on that self esteem and you will find someone a million times better than him!

OP - don’t make excuses for him, don’t think that he loves you, but some condition/situation/set-up is preventing him from admitting and acting on it.
After 5 years, it shouldn’t need to be this difficult to know if he wants to stay or go.
He chose to go.

Having you on the side as he is (literally) sorting out his life, is nice for him. What are YOU getting out of this????

If you can be happy in this new dynamic then go for it. But if not, and you have misgivings, tell him to go fuck himself.
Don't settle for bits from him when you find something whole ON YOUR OWN.

Op you are going to lose your feeling of dignity if you meet up with him like this.

The relationship is over - he wants to see you now and again just in case he changes his mind. That is not what is good for you.

Walk away and tell him you are moving on and dont want painful meaningless contact

The only way you will get him back is to retsib your dignity and set boundaries.

Dont plead dont beg dont let him keep you on a string. If its meant to be he can come back to you in the future and beg you on bended knee to take him back!

Ive been in this situation myself and it is so so hardto turn down the chance to see someone you love - but you have to walk away. Dont accept scraps from him when you were previously in love - it will only cause you pain.

I have been in a similar situation to you, op. Please don't put yourself through this it messes with your head and your self esteem, life is too short.

First read this many years ago but it's still good advice. Third letter down.
www.salon.com/1998/07/29/nc_28keil/

:( Sorry you are going through this terrible time. You need to get rid of him and learn to love yourself and meet your inner needs yourself. You need to know in your gut and your heart what you already know in your head- the single life forever is better than a man who treats you like this mixed up selfish prick. Not that you are likely to face the single life forever if you do the initially horrible hard work of learning to love yourself . So much easier said than done but you really are worth seven cazillion times better than a man who keeps you dangling, doesn't care how you feel and runs away to his ex-wife and his hoard. I hope you have a lovely helpful counsellor and find the strength to kick this man into the long grass.

You need to end this.... 'Drip Feed Ending' of this relationship.... dragging it over a long period of time is cruel.... and allows him to keep control.. you're already apologising for being terribly upset and explaining your emotions to him.. he's KNOWS why you're upset.. because he He did that to you... take control back Lady... walk away ..
stop being available for his crumby dates....

Tell him to fuck right off

Your self respect will love you for it

The advice on the link ScouseQueen posted is excellent, your ex(?) is acting appallingly, stop wasting your time with him

Good lord OP. Do not accept this appalling treatment for a second longer. You deserve so much better

I agree with what everyone here is saying. Let him go, no good will come if you keep contact.

Go no contact, it’s either all or nothing