Should I say yes?

[minielise]

My partner let slip a couple of months ago when drunk that he is planning a proposal at new year. A couple of days ago I went to borrow a hoody out of his wardrobe and found a box, I am assuming a ring. I didn’t open it to see.
I didn’t really give the proposal a second thought until now. I do desperately want to marry him however he isn’t yet divorced from his ex. This is down to them just not bothering because of the cost, they have been separated for 4 years and sis together 3 and a half. Yesterday I mentioned divorcing and he said he wants to do it but moaned he had better things to spend his money on.
My question is, what do I do if he asks? It feels silly that I would say yes when he is already married because I wouldn’t yet be able to have the excitement of being able to start planning our wedding. However I don’t want to say no as I do really want us to be married and I feel a no would cause unnecessary hurt to him.

Just say yes....subject to him divorcing it will probably give him the kiss up the backside to get the divorce sorted.

If you say no or maybe how would you feel if he goes off with someone else?

And is preparing for your wedding more important than being honest with him about whether you want to be with him for the rest of your life?

And why can’t you start thinking about your wedding? Just because you can’t book the venue yet?

WTF?

Did i read that correctly, they've been separated 4 years and you've been together 3.5 years?

So the man is like:
Separates
6 months later is right back in a serious relationship
Doesnt bother divorcing
Wants to get engaged

Im not you but someone who canylt be alone would turn me off, and somebody who was thinking of marriage to his latest GF whilst not yet out of his marriage to his first, is not what i personally would want.

I wouldn't even date a man who was separated and not divorced...........

I don't quite understand how you can get engaged to someone who is already married ? Seems a bit wrong OP.

I couldn’t be engaged to someone who was still married tbh I would decline on that basis. I think you know it doesn’t sit right with you either.

I would also decline on the basis that he is still married.

‘I would love to marry you, but you need to be divorced before I can agree to this comfortably.’

I don't think he is in a position to ask someone to marry him unless he is planning on bigamy.

"Will you marry me?"
"OMG! Did you secretly get the divorce finalised?!"
Or
"I would love to say yes. Ask me again when you are not still married to someone else."
Or
"In theory yes but I can't get engaged to a person who is married to someone else can I? Ask me again when the divorce is done."

@RunRabbitRunRabbit
That first reply is hilarious!!!
"OMG, so like, hold up: honey, are you like, single now???!!!! That is so frickin adorable!!!!"

"In theory yes but I can't get engaged to a person who is married to someone else can I? Ask me again when the divorce is done."

This.

Seems a bit off proposing marriage to someone when you're married to someone else.

Preempt the proposal by letting him know you’d love to marry him WHEN HE’S DIVORCED. Being engaged is nice but it isn’t really a thing and based on past behaviour you don’t have any reason to believe he’ll get on with the divorce even after he proposes if he says yes. He needs to know how your feel and how you should feel is you’d welcome a proposal once he’s free to marry. Long engagements are a faff and it sounds like you want to be getting on with planning a wedding once you’ve agreed to get married.

If he files the paperwork tomorrow he’ll be divorced in about 3 months. It’s really not difficult and if it’s a simple split they don’t need lawyers and he can do it all himself with the forms from the government website.

It’s about £500 and it’s worth every for the chance to move on with life.

Don’t mention the ring but do have a chat about the future and make it clear his divorce comes before anything else.

If he’s serious about marrying you he should be serious and responsible enough to get his arse into gear to get his divorce finalised

Um you can't get engaged to a married man . Say no and tell him to ask you again when he is divorced.

OP seems to be living with a married man so I don't think an engagement should be off limits.

He's spent money on a ring but won't spend money on a divorce. The man has his priorities all wrong. How can you be expected to take the proposal seriously?

I'd be sitting him down for a serious chat about the future.

Oooh, no. I know exactly what you're saying, and I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to insist on him sorting out a divorce before committing to him. I had this out with my DP, he'd been separated for a few years but hadn't divorced because he couldn't be bothered. We had a chat one night in which I told him I wouldn't live with him until he was divorced. That was on a Friday night, and he was on the phone to a solicitor first thing on the Monday morning. Draw your lines clearly from the outset, or you could find yourself still engaged to a married man in five years' time.

Your message pushed me into speaking to him already! It was a very quick chat. I kept it a casual chat saying oh it’s annoying you aren’t divorced yet because it means we couldn’t get engaged if we wanted to. He immediately text his ex suggesting they sorted it and she agreed and he is currently looking at what he needs to do.
It wasn’t a very amicable split due to her wrong doings so I think he was just avoiding having to make contact more than anything.

If it’s all straightforwards and neither of them shilly-shallies
the divorce could be done and dusted by Feb Valentines Day OP :)

Fantastic news! I'm glad he's being proactive, and I hope everything works out well for you.

Question:'Will you marry me?'
Answer: 'you're already married.'

Good for you....I hope he proposes in the new year and I hope you say yes...good luck

Great news OP, I hope it all goes smoothly! Then you can say "yes!" in the new year without any reservations, just as it should be :)