ok, so il try not to ramble and keep things simple. Il also try paragraph but I find formatting a bit difficult on this app.
Two weeks ago now I fell out with my mum.
The fallout was over her not babysitting for me whilst I did a few hours overtime one morning but she lied about it. She told me she was busy then contacted me the day before to see if I was in for a visit in the middle of the time I could have been working.
I'm ashamed to say I lost it a bit and said something unkind and told her to contact me when she was going to be less selfish.
This particular incident is simply a red herring for bigger issues.
When I was 13 my dad had an affair. She chucked him out for 6 months during which time she spent most of her time drunk and neglecting me and my younger brother. Luckily I was a capable young girl and looked after all of us cooking and keeping on top of the washing ect. I had counselling through school during this time as a went a bit nuts and became badly behaved at school.
She took him back. Over the next 10 years they were both emotionally and my mother occasionally physically abusive towards me. My dad is an alcoholic and used to call me some awful things when he was drunk and she used to sit there and smirk.
I was an arsey teenager but my natural instinct has always been to fight back and be resilient so I feel that I gave back as good as I got.
(since I moved out at 18, mine and my dad's relationship has been a much much healthier one- especially now he is drinking less and we were always close when I was a small child)
After these 10 years past he did it again. This time Mum divorced my Dad. They lived together for another two years before mum put the house up for sale and as soon as that happened Dad over out.
Mum bought a new house and moved in but has never moved on in the 8 years since she divorced my Dad.
I feel that she resents my good marriage and home life and that I still have a relationship with my dad.
She has put on more and more weight to the point she is now having mobility issues because of it and she makes nasty comments constantly towards me (DH had to point this out as I must be so used to it I don't really notice)
She has issue with the fact I no longer speak to my Brother. He was physically abusive when we were young and has always had anger and control issues. (threatened to get DH killed when we first met for example as he considered my first husband - who I had been divorced from for a year his 'mate')
I cut independant contact with him when he attacked me and broke my laptop when I was 6 months pregnant with DC1. I then went completely NC with him when he asked my 2.5 year old DC1 one Christmas time if he was fucking stupid. I ask my mother if she thinks it's right for me to put up with this or risk my children's safety around him whenever she starts and all she says is 'well no, but this isn't how I thought it would be'
She takes any opportunity she can to talk about what a bastard my dad is/was. She does not like the fact that my eldest DC is now spending one on one time with my Dad occasionally.
I do not want to continue to hear her badmouthing my Dad. I have had it now for almost 20 years and it is becoming extremely wearing and is resulting in me having little to no sympathy for her situation or feelings on the matter. She is becoming bitter and cold and the only people she shows any affection for are my Brother and her grandchildren (not quite so much my DC2 though as he wasn't the girl she wanted 😒)
I feel that she is depressed. She refuses to aknowledge this and won't see a Dr or therapist. She just accuses me of trying to upset her when I have mentioned this in the past.
She never goes anywhere or does anything with anyone. just work home work home over and over d spends her days sleeping at weekends I try to invite her out whenever I can but if it involves taking the bus or walking anywhere it's always an instant no. She won't even come to the park across her road with the kids because it involves walking 100m 😕.
I am just sick of walking on eggshells around her or listening to her be miserable and nasty an judgy about me and others.
I feel that she only does things for others if there is something I it for her. We are struggling money wise atm which is why I got cross when she lied about being able to watch the kids for me. She never had to make ends meet whilst juggling childcare as she was a SAHM for 13 years.
I hardly ever ask for any help with anything I am very independent and have always paid back money ect if borrowed so I don't feel like I take the piss at all.
sorry this is long and complicated and I still dont feel like iv included everything I feel or all the issues I am having with her.
Any suggestions on how to communicate all this to my mother and employ her to seek help appreciated.
I really do love and care about her but I can't do this anymore.
if tried to be factual in my post as opposed to emotional.
Thank you for reading.