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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My sister is slowly killing herself

20 replies

KeplerYellow · 26/11/2017 04:42

I feel so helpless, sad and at a complete loss as to how I can fix this. My ds is anorexic and possibly an alcoholic. Every time I see her I swear she's thinner and I'm terrified eventually she'll starve herself to death.

She still lives at home and my dm is really struggling to cope with her. I can't help feel some resentment towards my ds, she's causing my dm so much stress at a time when she should be looking forward to retirement and enjoying herself. I understand both anorexia and alcoholism are illnesses (I too had anorexia in my teens and early twenties) however I firmly believe they are illnesses that you can choose to fight. My ds is in complete denial about both problems and becomes very defensive when you try to broach the subject with her. What's more she's a nasty drunk and my dm is usually on the receiving end.

Having had my dm round for a visit today, and seeing how much pain the whole situation is causing her, I feel as the eldest I need to step in. I have no idea how to confront my ds and try and persuade her to get help without her feeling attacked. She is extremely sensitive and child like which makes discussing things like adults incredibly difficult. I suppose I'm posting here to seek advice as to the best way to approach things with her (and because I can't sleep for worry about the whole situation). I'm fully aware that I can't fix everything and that she has to want to get better, however I also know I can't just do nothing while my ds destroys herself infront of my dm.

OP posts:
Whoyagonna · 26/11/2017 04:48

You have to realise that your sister is your mother's daughter. As precious to her as you are to her. You can not magically cure your sister anymore than your sister herself or your mother can. It's a tragic illness. For all of you. Sorry I have no advice.

silentsigh · 26/11/2017 05:42

Does she have contact with medical professionals? Would inpatient treatment be an option?

PurpleDaisies · 26/11/2017 05:43

I understand both anorexia and alcoholism are illnesses (I too had anorexia in my teens and early twenties) however I firmly believe they are illnesses that you can choose to fight.

Yes, you can choose to fight but having had anorexia yourself you must realise how difficult that choice can be because of the illness?

It’s awful to live with and is awful for people around the person with it too.

There are groups offering support to the families of alcoholics here...
www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-support-services/

and anorexia related ones at the bottom of the link here...
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/eatingdisorders/Pages/eating-disorders-advice-parents.aspx

KeplerYellow · 26/11/2017 09:49

Thank you for the replies. She isn't currently receiving any treatment because she's adamant she doesn't have a problem. It's something I plan to talk to her about though, as sensitively as possible.

Of course I understand it's not as easy and straight forward as my OP made out. It's so hard to not get frustrated and angry with her though, even if that isn't a fair reaction. Thank you for the links, I will have a look and share them with my dm.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2017 09:55

"It's something I plan to talk to her about though, as sensitively as possible".

It does not matter how sensitively you put this to her, she will see it as an attack. Familial coercion (and she will see it as that) does not work. Like many alcoholics she is in denial.

You can only help your own self ultimately and Al-anon would be worth contacting for you and your mother too. At the very least read their literature. The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

springydaffs · 26/11/2017 10:00

What have you got to lose? Perhaps give it to her straight with two barrels. You've tip-toed around and that hasn't worked.

fleurjasmine · 26/11/2017 10:04

Giving it to her straight with both barrels might make the OP feel better but it almost certainly will have absolutely no impact on 'curing' either alcoholism or anorexia.

Ultimately, if the concern here is the mothers mental health, which I agree is the priority, then the answer is always to detach, detach, detach. That is not the same as not caring or not loving. It just means recognising that their behaviour is about them, not you, and that you aren't there to be an emotional punchbag.

KeplerYellow · 26/11/2017 12:29

You're right Attila, regardless of how I approach her it will like an attack. I just feel a responsibility to do something. I contemplated having her stay with mr for a while to give my dm a break. However I have a small baby and his welfare is my priority.

I don't think "giving it to her both barrels" would serve any purpose. I don't even think it would make me feel better. I hadn't heard of the 3cs of alcoholism, but will definitely read more into it. My dms mental health is my main concern. She watched her sister succumb to alcoholism and now she's having to do the same thing with her child.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 26/11/2017 14:53

I suggest you put your energy into giving your mum support. You cannot help your sister. Flowers

Whoyagonna · 26/11/2017 18:43

Maybe a good place to start would be to talk to your sister about getting abusive while under the influence. Also tell your mother to disengage when or if she's on a rampage. Watching anyone you love with illness is hard, but aggression is not acceptable and shouldn't be tolerated if at all possible.

springydaffs · 26/11/2017 22:54

Has anyone mentioned Al Anon?

I don't mean rant - in fact I specifically don't meant rant - but clear undiluted facts, nothing spared. As I said, tip toeing around hasn't worked..

Yy she may not hear it at all at the time.. But these things, the truth that is, have a way of going in and bearing fruit over time.

One thing is certain: you need to be absolutely boundaried with an addict. For all your sakes.

Mosaic123 · 26/11/2017 23:14

Maybe you could have your Mum to stay to give her a break?

whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 00:06

This is going to sound extremely harsh and these words will just drift away until the time is right but my brother was anorexic at a teen age; as a family we managed it to a point and he saw psychatrists, psychologists, doctors when his system was in trouble and he pulled out of it and got addicted to prescription drugs instead. 15 years later, he has been signed in by my parents and his partner twice; has been released and 'managed' and still is horribly paranoid and difficult to be with, no job, no money, no point to living. Round and round and round we go. "Giving her both barrel's will NOT help' but her mam ditching her could. She needs (your mam) to let her go big time. My parents have thrown him out for the last time (about 2 years after I asked them to); he was ruining their lives and they paid for everything. YE HAVE TO let her sink or swim. If your parents passed in the morning (god forbid), you KNOW she would not lie down and die. It is very hard to let go and it takes time to come to that point but the person has to be sent away from the shore in their own liferaft.

Whoyagonna · 27/11/2017 02:29

What an utterly horrible post. Let her die?

Time40 · 27/11/2017 02:45

What an utterly horrible post. Let her die? It wasn't horrible. You mis-read it. It was actually good advice.

OP, you may not be able to do much for your sister, but you can help your mum. I also think that your mum needs to let go, and stop facilitating your sister. That just might, possibly, bring your sister to her senses, if anything can. Good luck with this horrible and painful situation.

CremeFresh · 27/11/2017 02:48

I don't think it's a horrible post , it's the truth sadly. An addict can only help themselves and sometimes detaching is the only way.

Living with an addict is difficult, I feel so sorry for everyone caught up with this type of illness.

whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 03:52

Is that my post you refer to Whoyagonna?... Let her die? My post said the complete opposite, I don't want him or anyone to die? My heart is broken, I want him to live so badly, I am very upset that you would read 3 words from a long post and ...that is all you take from it.

whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 03:52

I want him to live and then I never want to shed a tear again...

KeplerYellow · 27/11/2017 08:31

Thank you so much for all your input, it's been good for me to get different perspectives on the issue. I will be communicating a lot of this back to my mum.

Whenthestars I'm sorry you have first hand experience of this, I truly hope your brother recovers. I understand what you were saying and I agree. My ds works a few hours a week from home but isn't and never has been financially independent. By having no living expenses she is able to spend all her money on alcohol. In the past I have spoken to my mum about asking her to leave, my dm said she couldn't (despite my ds being in her thirties). However I think she is getting to the end of her tether now.

Springy I see what you're saying. The softly softly approach hasn't worked so maybe I do need to be more blunt. I suppose I tip toe around her because she is emotionally quite immature and I've got into the habit of treating her like a child.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 27/11/2017 08:36

Please don't take this the wrong way , it is meant to be a constructive observation. You say you treat her as a child because she is emotionally immature, this sounds like there is a bit of enabling going on, which is massively common in situations like this. Try and have a read up about enabling and see if it is relevant .

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