Is the issue with me or DH?

[DrPeePee]

Not sure whether I'm posting this in the right place or if I should be posting in mental health.... Also v long post so sorry about that.

I have OCD which is relatively well controlled with medication and I have been to CBT which helped. Part of my OCD is me having health anxiety and not being able to control worrying.

I am a first time parent and my 8 month old DS has had several illnesses back to back including bronchiolitis and gastroenteritis. Each time he's been ill I have called 111 and taken him to the doctor / a and e depending on their advice. (Obviously not calling 111 or going to the Doctors just for colds and things).

My husband gets very annoyed at me when I say I'm going to call 111. We argue and he ends up saying 'just do what you want. You're going to anyway.' I can't understand why he is so sure DS is fine without a second thought. He thinks I'm irrational and that I'm going to pass my health anxiety into my son. I have referred myself back to CBT (At DH's request) and I'm waiting to hear back from them but there's a huge part of me that thinks I'm not overreacting, and that my husband is being controlling and arrogant in his insistence that DS is fine.

For example, when DS had D and V, I was very worried about him becoming dehydrated as he wasn't taking milk and anything he did take cake right out. He also got a viral pinprick rash and we had a huge row because I wanted to get it checked out but DH said it was nothing. (I did take DS to the Doctors and it was just a viral rash but I still think I did the right thing here and didn't overreact?!)

Tonight DS bumped his face and split his frenulum crawling over DH's legs. Happened really quickly, accidents happen all the time so not annoyed at DH at all for that. However, DS was bleeding quite a lot and I wanted to call my mum for reassurance but DH was shitty about it.

I've been in a controlling relationship before and this is starting to feel like that but I don't know whether DH is controlling or whether I'm being irrational and my anxiety is making things worse?!

Please help me get some perspective.

Hopeful bump. Sorry it's an essay, didn't want to dripfeed

How many times have you called 111 and how many times have you been referred?

If you have called over 100 and been refered 3 times, then yes you are probably a bit OTT. If you have called 10 times and ended up in hospital 9 then no you have not been OTT.

Always trust your instincts .I’ve rang 111,taken my dd to the Dr,A&E etc without consulting my H

Hi

What you have described there is exactly what I did with my first - I was worried because I didn't know anything about baby health. I rang 111 and we went to A&E over something when I think back was probably too minor. But I was stressed and I didn't know what I was doing - DH is probably more risk averse than me which is down to his job.

My take on your post is that I think there is the 'health' issue that you have and have sought help for. This is now the elephant in the room for you both with no 'right' answer he is probably down playing the medical intervention and you are up playing it. Neither are right or wrong!

Would I would personally do is say to DH - this is an issue for us, when to seek medical help and we probably won't agree. But, i will always have to do what I think is right at the time and we can discuss it after in the cold light of day.

I hope that helps - I can't say if he is controlling as there is not enough info.

Take care - the first year is hard with all the Heath niggles and slowly it starts to get more normal levels.

X

It can be a fine line I think. I also get quite anxious about health issues and I have definitely taken DS to a&e when perhaps it wasn't necessary (I thought it was necessary to rule out something serious but I can see how other ppl may not have done the same). My motto with these thing is get it checked, better safe than sorry.

My DH def thinks that I overreact some times and he may say so but he does it in a nice, u understanding sort of way, as in 'I don't think this I serious but I know you worry so let's put your mind to rest with a check'. He is never nasty about it. I think what's worrying for me is that your DH is not being as understanding about it.

What I mean is that I don't know if this is controlling behaviour exactly - just that perhaps there is a discussion to be had there about how to best deal with this issue and how he can best help you and the baby and the situation

I wouldn't be ringing my Mum about a cut mouth but your relationship with her may be different.

How many times have you called 111?

I think it’s a little of both, I think you probably do ring too much and therefore the calls you should make are being lost

With the current one unless it’s a very wide split or the bleeding does not stop it does not need a call. Unless there are signs of dehydration and he is not taking in liquids there is no need. It’s a balancing act

What would your mum have done, would she have fed into the drama? I can't understand why you would need to call her when your DH is right there, with the actual situation in front of him, with his opinion irrelevant, he probably felt rejected.

My dad has health anxiety, when something small happens he calls round people making it out to be really, really bad - like seeking validation from people (who are hearing a skewed version of events). If you tend to do this, I think your DH reaction was understandable. He could be more sympathetic though but it is exhausting to be around.

I think you need to be honest about how you are overreacting to fairly small childhood illnesses and he needs to listen and ask how to help. Do you want to relax and improve your judgement or are you hoping he'll agree with you every time? Be honest? If the former and his being kinder would help - HIBU. If the latter, YABU.

I must admit it does sound as if you are a bot overzealous on the doctor front. By comparison my 11mo and 2yo have been repeatedly poorly in recent months and only 1 has been to the GP for one instance. Kids get ill a lot, and 99% of the time recover quite quickly with plenty of rest and OTC remedies.

He doesn't sound as though he is controlling.

It does seem that your anxiety is getting in the way of you knowing instinctively when there is a genuine problem which must be frightening for you.

Try to remember that your DH loves your child as much as you do and would never want them to be in any danger, can you try to take his opinions on board more?

It's quite difficult to live with someone who has anxiety in general and he probably is afraid that this will manifest in your child too, and you already know how hard it is to live this way.

Id say it sounds like a bit of both. You need to sit down together and discuss this calmly.
There may be sometimes when your son does need medical attention and so for your husband to dismiss everything immediately is inappropriate however he does have a point in flagging up your general anxiety and that if you do not keep a grip on it it may affect your son. So you need to work together to know when your son needs medical attention.

The bleeding one where you wanted to call your mother does make me err more to thinking you may be over anxious because really it should be a decision you and your husband make together.
Id understand you wanting to ring your mother if you were alone during the incident but if your husband was there and telling you it was fine but you still wanted extra reassurance that would indicate to me higher level of anxiety.

For example i would not be very pleased if my son hurt himself and my husband didnt take my word for it that I thought he was fine and went and rang his mum for advice. I would take that as an insult to my parenting to be honest. Unless there was a very specific reason he didnt trust my view like he had personal experience of that issue and so knew something that i didnt.

It sounds like you dont trust him and he doesnt trust you which is not a very good situation. There must be some middle ground you can come up with? Im sure you both love and want to do the best by your child.

Thank you for all of your responses, it's been really helpful to get an outside perspective on the situation.
I think when I get anxious my emotions can take over and it's hard to see things logically. Hopefully I'll hear back from the therapy people soon

My DH is the first to go for advice on anything, well he was with the first, and then a bit with the second and calmed down by the third and nothing was a major incident that could not have been handled at home.

Remember though if someone is really sick there is a difference in panic; my first had to be admitted to hospital for something and I knew it, just as he knew it. He is not controlling, you might be a bit more careful, but when someone is really sick you will both agree.

When you say you've called 111 each time he's been ill...how many times has it actually been?

I was a lot more paranoid with my first. He used to get viral rashes a lot and I never trusted myself to rule out meningitis.

My youngest got seriously dehydrated as a baby just from one day of diarrhoea and had to be hospitalised. I've always stayed awake when they've had a temperature until the temperature went down and had them sleep with me and I'd check their temperature every few hours.

A friend is a lot more over the top and for example my child fell off her scooter and hurt her hand and my friend wanted me to take her to a&e. I said I'd keep an eye on her as she was probably fine (and she was).

We all have to do what we feel comfortable with and with kids health it's always better to err on the side of caution. As you get older and more experienced you'll find that you're pretty accurate in knowing when you need medical assistance.

I don't think you are wrong in feeling that it's important to check that your DS is ok but that doesn't mean needing to rish for medical care. Watching him over for next few hours is what matters. Would you feel reassured if you knew what to look for? I expect even when you take him to A&E, they take his vital signs and then tell you to watch for any deterioration? If so, they don't do much more than what you do yourself.

I think most first time mothers get anxious over any health issues in the first few years.

I think ringing 111 is the sensible option (or ringing your mum), it’s far better than turning up at A&E. If 111 are referring you then they think it’s a wise move to get your dc checked out and it’s not you being paranoid. Minir things can escalate quickly with young children

Watching this with interest.
I'm much like you and DH is much like your DH.
My DH gets angry with me when I call 111. However, each time I've called, they've sent an ambulance or sent us to A&E. DD is 3 and this has happened 6-8 times since she's been born. DD gets a non-blanching rash when she vomits and her temp.often won't come below 40 degrees. This.is.where I panic and call 111. We've been sent to hospital as a result twice. The non blanching rash is caused by burst blood vessels when she vomits, but my argument is always, what about the time when it's not burst blood vessels?
DH gets very embarrassed and often tells me not to tell people that an ambulance has been sent to the house "yet again." DD has had a very high number of chest/ear infections since birth and suffers with asthma which worsens as a result so I argue that it's because DD actually IS ill more than most children.

This time last year my little twin was in the HDU - initially thought to be bronchiolitis, turned out to be whooping cough. He'd already been in nicu for two months before this. Him being so sick has definitely left its mark on me and I am a lot more anxious when he's sick now. Calling 111 when you're unsure how serious something is is what you're supposed to do. With little ones, especially your first, it's very difficult to know what's a normal reaction to a bug and what's a problem. If my boys had that sort of rash of course I'd get it looked at. Mine both have eczema and I've been to the gp a few times but don't go every time it flares up. If they had something new I'd get it checked out and I don't think its overreacting to do that.

I think you have acted quite reasonably really. First baby is terrifying! I, think calling 111 and abiding by what they say is generally a sensible thing to do.

Sometimes you know you need an ambulance, sometime you know you have to go to a&e and sometimes you're just not sure. When you're not sure you ask an expert, or failing that, an advice line. As most of us don't have experts on tap, we generally call 111.

Is your dh actually an expert? Or does he just think he is?