Was this sexual abuse, or just a very abusive relationship?

[lilyontheriver]

I don't know why this keeps going round in my head. In a way it isn't important but I'd really welcome other people's views.

When I was 15, nearly 16 (if that's relevant) I met an older man, who was then 24. The relationship became sexual and some things happened that shouldn't have.

But given the age gap, and given the clear power imbalance - was I sexually abused/groomed? We didn't sleep together until after my 16th birthday.

In many ways its not important at all. I suppose I just want to know, to make sense of that period of my life.

If you were 15 than you were technically a child still and sexual contact isn't legal. He was an adult and quite abit older so yes it was wrong. If you'd have had sex before 16 it would have been classed as statutory rape.
At the age of 24 men shouldn't be going near 15 year old girls. I would say he has taken advantage of you in my opinion.

Also I think the fact it's on your mind still shows something doesn't sit right with you. I'm sorry this happened to you

Thanks. It feels all wrong, and dirty, looking back. I was 16 when we slept together but was it still grooming?

I don't know what lengths he went to and how he met you or what happened but I would class it as grooming because of your age.
I think the fact it is playing on your mind like this shows it is wrong. At 15 you were not old enough to make these kind of decisions and won't have known your own mind. Even 16 although legal is young. I think they should change the age of consent to 18 because I know when I was 16 I was not confident sexually whatsoever!

I think it depends on the context and how you feel about it, whatever the specifics of the law may be. When I was 15, I had a boyfriend who was 21. We were together for 3 years, until I was 18. I don't consider that abuse in the specific context of that relationship. I have been abused/raped and I know what that 'feels' like to me and how it affected me. This felt like any other relationship I had when I was younger (and relatively stupid). It was a shitty physically and emotionally abusive relationship in many respects, but I don't consider it sexual abuse as I didn't feel coerced or feel like anything happened sexually without my consent. In terms of what we did do sexually (he was very sexually inexperienced), I was very much in control and in the driver's seat and nothing ever happened that I wasn't comfortable with. To me, it was very different from other situations I've been in in my life that haven't been consensual and I don't feel like I have any trauma from it at all. So I would say it really depends on how you feel about it and in the broader context of your life and relationship. That means it could be abusive, but it isn't necessarily.

It can absolutely still be grooming. It really depends, only you know how you feel about the circumstances. 8/9 years is a big age gap at that stage why was he interested in dating such a young woman?

That's a big age gap at that age. How did you feel?
Pressurised, infatuated and controlled or did you feel cherished, loved and in control?