SXTBXH sitting pretty. I've moved out. Fucker

[PawsyMcPawFace]

He won't fucking move out so I have, with the kids. Back story of manipulation and a little physical abuse. Fucker.

I've been out now for around 3 weeks. I was expecting to feel better/easier/relieved. But I don't. Just another set of problems and me tip toeing round him. And me paying rent whilst he sits in a mortgage free 5 bed house. Fucker.

Everyone says its the right thing to do and I know that but I'm not seeing any benefit really. I've read about posters who says its the best thing they ever did and they wish they'd done it earlier. Not happening for me. Tell me it'll get better.

I've applied for benefits, CM, seeing a wonderful outreach worker who gets the dysfunctional shit. I've practically furnished the whole house on a shoe string. Managed to still go into work. poor DS has had a melt down after obnoxious behaviour. DD seems relateively ok. I'm trying to do all the right stuff. Feel like a robot right now. Tbh I'm amaxzed I haven't collapsed. None of this feels like it makes any difference iyswim?

I know it'll be different 6 months, a year 2 years from now but its fucking hard.

It is hard at first. I had to do the same.

You getting legal support and advice?

Things will get better op.

I was in the same situation as you ten years ago. Myself and the kids ended up sleeping in my mum's tiny spare room while the ex had a lovely two bed flat to swan around. But he was nasty and abusive so we had to leave.

Keep going op and the material things will come back to you , you'll start living a life you enjoy and this period of time will feel like it was lived by somebody else.

Stay strong and keep posting.

You sound amazing

Things will improve for you .

Him? Pfft

To be honest, I’m still in the rented flat that was furnished on a shoestring 5 years later. Money is painfully tight because I’m having trouble getting enough work. (And because he doesn’t pay near what he should.)

But it’s still better than being with him. He’s become increasingly rigid and dismissive over time. There’s no room in his brain for anything but his own ideas.

And my shoestring house is where my kids feel happy. It’s where their weird decorations are and friends come to play games while their dad sits by himself in the tidy house with no soul.

You’ll get there sooner than you think.

The fact you took the dc is the main thing.I took the clothes on our backs and had nothing for a long time.

My ds x 2 are nc with their df when they finally saw his true self.
Enjoy your new home it will be a save haven and you will grow to love it for the simple fact that fucker isn't in it.

Read back your opening post and realise what you have achieved. You're amazing and what seems to be hard slog now is the foundation for a totally independent and calmer life for you and the DC.

Well done OP, I promise it gets better. I'm two years down the line and although I still get a bit angry or bitter at what I've had to do I still would not change it.

It's made me in to an independent and stable mum. My kids know I'm always there for them, I'm the back bone of my new family and I'm so proud of that.

You rock, keep going x

What is happening with the house? Is it being sold at some point?

Good for you, he can sit in his empty lonely house, you are in a house filled with love .

Thank you ladies. I don't feel amazing. Especially when my kids are playing up or crying etc.

Tinsel - love your last line - the fucker isn't in it

God knows whats going to happen to the house. Mediation has failed so its going to court. My savings have halved in the last few months and I'm not eligible for legal aid. I don't know how far I can take it.

I take no pleasure in the lonely fucker sat in a now dirty house. I want my kids to have a Dad who is engaged and doesn't off load his problems to his DD and doesn't threaten to commit suicide if I take him to court, again DD. A Dad who doesn't offer the kids £100 to persuade me to postpone the court date. A Dad who doesn't tell them I'm evil and a bully. A Dad who doesn't shout get out and pickup his own DS and take him to the front door. I could go on.

I know that the kids will drift away from him. But it makes me sad that I chose a fuckwit to be a Dad to my children. And that they'll miss out on a decent Father/child relationship.

So I have to pick up the pieces. Like always. Whilst he whinges and moans about being a victim and being 'ill'.

God I'm having a bit of a moan fest now...

If its any consolation 99% end up being complete fuckwits in pretty similiar ways if you leave them. But lets be honest, if there were lovely , you wouldn't have left. So to expect a fuckwit to behave as anything other than a fuckwit is to invite disappointment into your life. They ALL use the kids inappropriately. They ALL make you feel small and powerless. They ALL try and minimise what they will give you. You left them. You don't get any of the good bits that kept you there long past when you should have been there anymore. You see? The hardest part is acceptance that this is who they are post you leaving and finding a way to keep your end up. It gets better the older the children get, I promise.

Keep a track of how much rent you are paying. If this goes to court I’d put a claim In that the cost is taken out of the proceeds of sale of the house and then the remaining funds split. After all it is a family cost. And not split 50:50 either. I got 75% as I had DD. Well done you for having the courage to move and do the right thing for you and your children.

Les - that's very profound. I think he is reeling from the fact that I pushed the button and he lost control of me. And his behaviour has been increasingly appalling. You're right. I cannot expect him to behave himself, not now. I will expect the worst.

Esme - didn't realise that. Thank you, that's something I will look into. I have to get a new solicitor as the last one was pretty poor. That's another headache.

And I fixed my hoover today. I rock!

Pawsy, I self repped through my entire financial proceedings. Yes, it's stressful, however, you're not on trial, the law works in a specific way and you don't need a solicitor to do it. It cost me nothing but a lot of photocopying, stress and sleepless nights, but I did it. I also achieved a 100% award (rare but mitigating circumstances). Don't think along the lines of "not sure how far you can take it". The court is there for a purpose and you can do this. In terms of the children, I would also issue a C100 and get contact sorted at the same time. His behaviour is disgusting and alienating, something that is now being recognised by the court. Don't be afraid. I am currently going through this part at the moment.

Indeed you do rock. You CAN do this and your life will be better for it. Good luck

Stop beating yourself up about choosing him. No point in going down that road. Believe me. It's annoying that he is in the house and you're renting. If things were impossible you did the right thing leaving. But I'd be thinking is there a chance you could move back in rather than the house being sold which seems a shame especially if there is no mortgage on it.

OP well done for protecting yourself and your children. If your ex was physically abusive you may be able to get him removed from the house and you and dc move back in. Have you had any advice from Women's Aid? (haven't read full thread sorry) They can also help you find a better solicitor with appropriate experience.

Mine arranged a legal loan payable upon selling house (it has equity) and I took ex to court and got him removed from house. Worth every penny. Still ongoing sadly but at least me and dc can stay in our home until it's all done and dusted. for you.

I absolutely agree that he should be forced to leave and you return to the FMH.

Luvs you all. It got to the point of almost applying for an occupation order. But my solicitor was shit and I bottled it. That's why I sacked her and decided to move out. Perhaps not the best decision but I couldn't take it. My DD had started self harming.

I have gone through WA specifically to find a decent solicitor. Still in the process but I've found an absolutely top class outreach worker and I think I luvs her. She's said I can go on a 'recovery course' or something similar. It's like a next step to the freedom programme.

Formidable - that's interesting about self repping. I've thought about doing that. I've being going through all the forms. They're a bit 'gulp' but nothing I couldn't put my mind to. I thought you had to hire a barrister for court. Is that not right? I know he's not going to turn up for the first hearing because he's 'ill' and he's got a sick certificate to prove it. So there. Twat.

Pawsy, I had neither a solicitor nor a barrister, I also had about 10 hearings because ex and OW were twats with disclosure and fucked about endlessly. I kind of thought I would have to "prove" my case, but they did that for me to be honest. It's stressful, yes, it's time consuming, yes, but I was quoted £20K to sort my divorce and we weren't talking about masses of assets here, a house, chattels, car and a business he'd dissolved to try and ensure I "got nothing". The fact is, there is a formula and there is a path of law. I don't think you've got anything to lose and I would apply, cross apply with a C100 in terms of children and in the absolute first instance, an occupation order, which is simple to obtain and you have a strong case. Do what you have to. You CAN do this!

Also, of course, he can not "turn up", but he will likely be summonsed, there are penal notices that can be attached. Mediation is a no in this situation, so you must get an FM1 if you haven't already. Form E is where the fun and games start (and my God they do try it)

You have dc and a hoover?! Wow. My ex had my ds break into my house and steal the Dyson I had been given!! He coerced him to steel cash from me, he convinced them I was a prostitute ffs!!
Patience paid off and I have the dc and he is a sad lonely old man now.

The hearing will go ahead without him.
Take a friend with you and the absolute best of luck.

OP, I have moved out recently too with DD. I used all my savings to pay rent up front I’ve nothing in the bank and furnished on donations and charity shop.
I got myself a hoover on Black Friday £230: £99!!!!!
I’m sharing the pride in owning my own brand new not even second hand hoover!! Id fist bump you right now if I could!

The hoover is one of the things I took with me and he complained about that. so I dropped off an old one because his car was out of action. he also complained about the drier I took never does any fucking laundry surprised he noticed and my own microwave. Again, I picked up a microwave he'd bought online because of his car and dropped it off. Mug? Me? I left him with about 90% of the furnishings because I knew it'd turn ugly and that's as much as I could get out in a hurry.

Then he changed the locks and told the kids that he didn't want me stealing anything. Words fail me. I know its illegal btw.

Tinsel - I think you're spot on, patience is the key. But bloody hell it hurts.

MrsFormidable - wow - you are! 10 hearings? Fuck! I was thinking of getting advice from solicitor but then doing the court thing on my own. Got a mediator cert. I can imagine twathead mucking about but 10 hearings...

Pickle - fist pump right back