Online dating freaking me out - but need to do it

[robotsmania]

I've been separated from ex for a long time. 3 years officially, but 5 yrs in total.

Loads of my friends have become single in that time, and are now happily settled with new men.

I've never even chatted to a single man - let alone been on a date in that time.
I'm determined to do something about it, because I want to be in a loving relationship and make the most of my life- not just treading water.

My friend gave me a talking to and told me I had to get out there and make it happen. Sooo I paid and joined online dating a few days ago.

Oh my god- it is so depressing- all the men look really old. I watch a lot of tv, and hang out with my friends whose husbands are a few years younger than me- I think I've got an artificial idea of what men my age look like (40s). I'm still thinking I'm quite young!

Argh- I want something to happen, but am horrified by the whole process: selling myself online is unbearable- I'd die if people I know see me. I live in a small town and am quite well known due to my job.
Plus all the men look like sad cases who I have absolutely no interest in. I know that's really harsh as I am a sad case myself!!!

I hope I don't sound horrible posting all this. I feel as though I've taken a big step in signing up to the sites, now I want to run away and hide!

Well your post doesn’t sound very nice but that’s your perception of yourself talking. You think it’s sad and desperate to have to join one so therefore anyone who does is sad and desperate.

Why don’t you just look at it as a bit of fun for the minute? What I got from dates from these sites gets told later on when I could laugh about it. You’ll meet new people, have a laugh, have some fun even. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Just stay safe while you’re doing it.

I think a lot of us feel like this at the start. I suggest that you are very selective to start with, but not overly picky about the small things. Have a think about what is important to you.

Learn how to get the best out of the site you are using, a lot of people never bother to learn how to use all the features.

I would also suggest that you go on a few dates sooner rather than later just to get over your nerves. Some people look better in real life but others look worse! A daytime coffee makes for a east first date if you are unsure about the whole thing.

Finally, safety first, meet in a public place, if they say or do anything that makes you uncomfortable withdraw. Until you meet them they are just strangers on the internet.

easy not east!

I think what's might be happening is that you're seeing men who are lying about their age. It is really, really common on online dating. So those men who are in their 50s think of themselves as young and don't want a woman their own age, so they say they're in their 40s.

Don't do it if you don't want to, listen to your own boundaries. I met my dh online, so did two close friends (one recently married at 49). I feel for you though, I'm under the impression it has changed in the intervening years since dh and I met.

If you're going to give it a go try not to be defensive about doing OLD while you're doing it. It's tiresome reading profiles by people who just can't believe they're there, 'what on earth am I doing here?' etc. It's like saying this is fine for the rest of you losers but I really don't belong here.

OLD is uncomfortable for everyone and the first few minutes of every date are odd. If you're going to do it you need to accept that. A few minutes in and it is more or less like any other date.

Good luck!

I don't think you sound horrible. I 've given up for the time being because I'm in my forties and healthy, attractive and well-presented and although I could be very fond of an older man who is none of these things, I wouldn't want to sleep with him, so a romantic relationship wouldn't be appropriate. Anybody I'm attracted to is 'attractive' so they are attactive to younger women and had too many options to value me for me. I'm just not seeing the point. I met about 23 men. Some I wish I could have remained friends with. I do feel I botched the communication at times, so I learnt a lot. It's ok to have your own agenda, ie, what do you want to get out of internet dating? I wanted a committed relationship with somebody compatible, kind and attractive. I didn't get that. I got used and dumped about three times (over the space of two years!) so it's not like I was repeating the same mistake. They were all very different. I also rejected a good few. If I go back in to 'game' now I'll have a different attitude. I won't pursue anything if it doesn't immediately feel effortless. No hoping that it might turn out to feel right. It's a steep learning curve and if you can protect your heart and not let your self-esteem be eroded, I do think it's worth it. I learnt a lot about my self, my standards, my boundaries, I realised I'm not needy, I'm not lonely right now, more that I fear it in the future. So why do anything that feels like hard work. Try it but don't do anything that doesn't feel easy. I would even write down a list of boundaries before you start as when you're feeling excitement of dating, it can be too easy to over look what you know rationally.

Yes, Mince is right, make a list of what you want and don't compromise on the most vital priorities. And see if you can find a way to feel playful about it all, like the world is at your feet.

They are really helpful replies- thanks so much. I definitely felt good about it before I signed up. I know everyone's doing it, and loads of friends are married from it. So I have no stigma about it in theory, it's just when I came to actually do it I felt embarrassed- only because I'm scared people I know will see me on there. If I lived in London I wouldn't mind- just because I'm living in a small community.

I definitely won't be defensive about it - those profiles are terrible. One started every line with 'I hate these things'.

I thought I would be in a good place about it, as settled with my own home, children and great job. So it's not like I'm pursuing them desperate for marriage and kids. I'm actually at a place in my life where I can freely enjoy it and not feel pressured by it. It's just the men who really depressed me! I couldn't see a single one who didn't horrify me (except those a couple of years younger)
I guess I could start off going for the younger ones on the off chance they'd be interested- but they were the ones who were looking for marriage and kids - so they themselves would be going for younger women!

Ah, I think I'll give it a good blast. I do feel better after all your replies thank you.

It takes some getting used to!!! I can remember feeling horrified when I first downloaded the app, The whole selling yourself just didn't sit right with me and still doesn't to be honest, but this is the way things are done these days so give it a go and take it as a bit of fun.

Oh that's funny, so you've spotted those profiles too. 'I hate these things.' Er, welcome to humanity. It may not be obvious that it's a bit toe-curling for everyone. Once you get used to the emotional up-and-down of it I think it will feel less personal and you'll feel less like you're in the spotlight.

Does it help to think if anyone recognises you it's because they're there too for the same reasons?

Phwoar I've just been on guardian soulmates - totally different calibre of men!
Just went crazy liking all the good ones, then checked back and they have all looked at my profile- and not a single one liked me back!!!
Anyway, feeling a lot more positive about the whole thing now thanks.

I'll be interested to know how you get on at Guardian Soulmates as I had no success there when I briefly tried. I'm 48 and averagely attractive and I gained the impression that men around my own age were all looking for someone younger.

I agree with the effortless thing. I’m currently seeing someone I met on Tinder and from the first conversation it was so easy and obvious we connected way differently to anyone else. And he doesn’t look old either!

It definitely takes some getting used to. At first I replied to everyone as I thought it was mannerly but boy did I learn quickly that you can get hounded by being too nice. I'm in my 40's and I found a lot of guys of similar age lied about their age. Good luck!!

God, I’ve never replied to everyone. I’d do nothing else! I have at best a 10% reply rate. Most of those fizzle out very quickly. I don’t agonise over it. If it’s a possibility, it’s obvious very quickly.

I just met a couple yesterday who met on OLD and are getting married next year. He wasn’t devastatingly handsome or had a fantastic career but when I got chatting to him he was absolutely lovely and funny and I’d have definitely found him attractive if I was on the hunt. Thinking about it, the last wedding I went to the couple met through OLD. So it does happen.
Obviously you get creeps but I think that happens in ordinary dating too.

I met my DP via Guardian Soulmates. Prior to that, had many varied dates with men from match.com. I did this on and off for a good few years, with breaks when it got too depressing! Just go with the flow and try not to take it too seriously (can be easier said than done). I had a strict criteria to start with but had to cast the net wider, as it was slim pickings in my immediate local area! And it helps to be a little flexible with your list of "must haves" particularly if they are not deal breakers.

Good luck

chatwoo interesting and encouraging. What "must haves" did you dispense with as time went on?

How old were you when you met your DP on Soulmates? Did you go on many dates from there?

Pavonia - things like location, political leanings, age - to some extent. I think there needs to some level of compromise/reality check, as with most things in life really! Obviously this sort of thing can be gauged as you go along. One thing I wouldn't compromise on was if they guy was a smoker. I also didn't want to meet anyone with children, but my DP has a (now 17 year old) daughter, although she was living in a different country at the time.

We met when I was 33-34, which I thought was positively ancient at the time! I don't remember meeting that many from Soulmates as it was largely London-centric (I was an hour away by train anyway, hence the compromise with location). Definitely met more on match.com as that seemed to be a more local crowd.

Thanks Chatwoo I'm in London so in theory there should be lots of potential. I'm 48 and so far I haven't dated more than 5 years older then me. The problem is if you go too much older they are in a different life stage, I have already encountered men who are retired in their fifties and I'm not sure a relationship with them would work due to different needs and wants.

Politics etc, yes I'm open minded about that. I've never seriously tried Match so perhaps I will.

I have found that I value good grooming more than I had previously thought. When I go on a date with an older guy, if he is well dressed, freshly showered, decent haircut and clean shaven that can make a lot of difference. Men that could get away with scruffy clothes and stubble when they were younger usually can't pull off that look when they are older but they don't all seem to realise that.

I also think that most men want a woman who makes an effort to look nice on a date and I don't think it is too much to expect the same from them.