Feeling lonely and lost and upset.....I'm sure my marriage is over

[whatisforteamum]

I be been on MN for a few years now.30 years with DH and things weren't great but we had dcs doing exams so I slept downstairs and we worked hard and shared dcs care.
Eventually df moved out so dh has her room and I have the main bedroom.I was happy enough with this.Since dh had a heart attack a few years ago he has an explosive temper.He was advised to take up a hobby so golfing it was.
Lots of key occasions like holidays and my birthday were forgone for his hobby even my 50th.
Both my parents have battled advanced cancer a battle my df was loosing this summer.dh went golfing then had another day planned when it was apparent df was dying.I couldn't get to visit without dh.Our df phoned him and had a real go at dh.He then took me to visit and df passed away.
He didn't make any attempt to check I was OK even though he knew I would be devastated and has lost both parents himself.TBh I've coped.really well so far.
No hugs no asking how I feel nothing except taking me to get flower pots for dfs bulbs.
He even booked a luxury hotel with the golf lads while I worked.
Last.week I had weekdays off as normal and he went golfing.This week is my only weekend off before Xmas and he planned on golfing one of the days and has gone out with the boys tonight while I'm home alone.
I am unsure what to do as I'm married but not in the true sense.Partly my job means I work unsociable hours but we be drifted and he makes no effort at all.
He is mostly moody and I get the scraps of a relationship.
Baring in mind df has just died what on earth should I do next.please.be gentle as I'm fragile at the moment.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad. It sounds as though he really had your back (your dad, not your husband.)

Do you love your husband? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

The death of a parent often shows us how fragile life is and how we should make the most of it.

Thirty years and no affection? Have all your children left home?

Oh no e first twenty odd he was kind and attentive...we had no money at all and the dcs did cause us to drift as we worked different days as we had no help with childcare.
He has spent five days holiday with me in April and like I say I work all weekends and evenings so we hardly see each other.I think he just wants his freedom and I want some company and support.I said what shall we get dcs for Xmas and he didn't know as he doesn't bother and they have mentioned this.I said we could choose together and he replied he doesn't care what the kids think if he doesn't bother.He has little to do with D's who is living at home.Is he autistic or is this just selfish behaviour? If his lads are going out he is up at 7am if its a rare day with me its not before 9 am.He has no respect at all or understanding..I admit I didn't understand when his df died but I was only in my early 20s then.

What should you do next? Nothing.
Now is not the time to be pondering anything long term. Look after yourself and don't make any decisions till you're ready.

He’s not become autistic in the last 10 years, I’m afraid. If that was the reason, he would have always been this way, and from what you say, he hasn’t.
You sound so sad. Have you told him what you need from him?

No its not autism, as you say he was a perfectly loving husband for the first two decades of your marriage.

It seems that, him being told to relax with a hobby after his heart attack has now resulted in him thinking only his happiness matters. He seems to be doing an awful lot of golfing... Not that its wrong to enjoy a hobby. But it seems it comes first before both you and your DCs. Hobbies are good, but not at the cost of the breakdown of your most important relationships like your wife and children.

Have you sat down and told him how all this makes you feel? How dies he respond?

I think it is time you look after you now. You need some time and your not so 'D' H going away may be a good thing for you.

Take the weekend and ask yourself what you really what. I doubt It's what you currentĺy have.

Thank you.I guess after the death of someone so loved its natural to feel lonely.I did used to drive but stopped in Feb after panic attacks.I still have the car and try to practice short runs so I need dh more than ever.I'm also helping DM who is very strong but has lost her husband of 54 years and now has no one really as family have gone back to their own lives.
The only reason I mention autism is the dcs have remarked on his behavior..
He doesn't seem to recognise social behaviour such as he will walk in front of someone where I would hang back.He shouts quite a lot as he won't wear his hearing aid .
He drives too fast which I get shouted at if I mention.I admit my job takes me out of the house a lot however he still sees the lads even though I'm here and doesn't tell me he is going out until last minute which physically stresses me out.
We don't seem to have anything in common.This birthday my first since dh died and a couple of weeks after he died dh had golf!!! We went out on the Friday.on the Saturday my d s gave me lovely perfume and a card.Dh didn't bother so D's kept on at him to get something.on e Sunday some alcohol and cheap flowers appeared.I feel having someone to care would be lovely.

No its not autism, he's just become a grumpy selfish entitled git who just doesn't give two shits about anyone but himself.

It sounds like your DCs value you though. I'm glad to hear they pull up your DH on his awful behaviour... Although, they shouldn't need to.

Are you receiving any bereavement counselling and professional help with your anxiety? You don't have to suffer it alone [flowers

he's just become a grumpy selfish entitled git who just doesn't give two shits about anyone but himself

^this

I am so sorry, this sounds so stressful and lonely for you. Some counselling sounds like a very good idea, to help you after your DF's death and to think about the rest of your life. Your DCs sound lovely.

Thank you all.I can't believe he has changed so much.I asked if he could compromise with the golf and he threw a wobbler!!.I guess it is odd for him to do so much alone and my job leaves very little us time.Today we went to a new shopping centre.It was cleat he didn't want to be there so we hurried round.Driving home he was v near anther car and shouted at me when I pointed this out.My car was written off by a lorry two years ago no one was hurt but I do get nervous about near misses.
Counselling sounds good as everyone has left mum alone since the funeral except one dsis and myself.There is a worry as she has no one now really.
I don't know where to turn sometimes tbh.So far we've coped really well with a dreadful death and little support.

Oops it was dd who moved out and had a go at dh.She is 20 and can see how things are even though she adores dh.

I think some counselling would be an excellent idea. I lost my DF just over a year ago, and started with bereavement counselling, and then changed counsellors and continued, but threw everything else in my life into the mix!

It sounds like you could really do with someone to talk to, who might help you get your life back on track, help with the panic attacks, and could help you develop a strategy to deal with your DH. You may find that the marriage is dead, or there may be a way through it all.

Your DH is using the golf as a way to side step the marriage and family life. Men are a bit like that. I should know - I'm married to one.

I read some advice about not making any big changes for at least a year after a bereavement, and I think that's good advice.

My marriage is certainly better and I've enrolled onto a college course since my DF died. It certainly was a light bulb moment for me.

Is it possible that he suffered some kind of brain damage as a result of the gear attack? Or is this just his true personality, maybe slightly exaggerated because he has more time to indulge it? I think he just doesn't care - he sees you as just having to put up and shut up or having to do all the heavy lifting of separation. Make no decisions yet, heal from the loss of your father, and then get out.

Heart. Not gear. Although you could throw his golf clubs st him, I suppose...

Have you thought of having driving lessons to build up your confidence again after the accident?
It sounds like you would benefit on working towards cutting him out of your life. Get yourself out and about, spend time with your children and take up a hobby/class to start building a new social life.

A few things are going on and if his behaviour is most recent then I would give it time.

Having a heart attack may have caused him to reevulate his priorities.You mentioned your job has always been unsocial hours so he probadly had to spend time alone or with the children.

Its unkind to forget or be dismissive about your birthday. I think its worth trying to talk to him, say you feel sad you have drifted apart and you want to connect with him.
Spending time together is important but try to focus it on joint enjoyable activities, I dont like shopping so might act like him, just wanting to go home.

Could you plan some date nights? It feels as if you both have needs but they are different so driving each other apart.

Separately you need to grieve and heal from your loss, he may not be able to support you which could be a deal breaker but only you can truly know if his behaviour is unacceptable.Get yourself support and focus in you being happy, then revisit when you feel you have healed.

Oops.I meant DD had a go at dh.she adores him however she can see how he treats me isn't always right. Emotional support is limited.

Some very interesting and sound advice.I must take some responsibility for the fact we both worked opposite days and shifts and I work weekends too.on this s ore dh had to do the. Child care etc.The fa t is I used to go shopping alone or with Dd who left home last year.Dh is just detached and never engages with D's who is learning to drive. I'm very. Close to ds who works in the same industry to me so we have a lot in common.
Dh can easily. Come home and not speak to D's at all so D's won't start a. Conversation with him!!
Dh and I used to to everywhere together now we have nothing in common as if we are on different planets.He even dresses scruffily and won't try to lose weight since his major heart attack.His own mother died of one in her forties and he makes no attempts to change.
Fluffy White I'm sorry about your df.How did it affect you? So far I'm carrying in on as normal looking after DM.I had thought I would fall apart as df was a great man and Dad x

Well I think you should practice some 'Self Care', and put yourself first. You've got some grieving to do, and you're responsible for a lot. It's hard to work out what's grief and what's a problem - be it the anxiety and panic attacks, or the marriage situation. It's all pretty new for you in terms of losing your Dad, so don't do anything too rash.

Sit tight, and get through Christmas and reappraise things in January. Maybe you could make some positive resolutions like learning to drive, or seeing a counsellor? I know you can get counselling online or via Skype/ FaceTime. I can't get over how much it has helped me over the last 12 months - and I used to think it was all 'tosh' !

It's so hard losing a parent; we all miss my DF hugely. And this time of year doesn't help either.

As I said... put yourself first.

Thank you fluffy white.My DH can be very helpful then totally moody and downright selfish with his hobbies!!.My df told me he has meals out lined up and has lots of holidays in December.I have to work Xmas eve and day and boxing day....you are so right the new year is time to reacess not the height of this very busy time.Gaining my driving independence back first.