How to start a conversation about whether we are right together

[CrabappleCake]

He’s depressed, clinically and having treatment, and life is a bit crap as he had to leave his job a year ago.

He’s getting better but I can’t help wondering if our relationship has led to the depression an£ he’s have been happier with someon3 else.

I’m also running out of patience wit( the depression and the associated behaviour. There’s a lot of negativity aime£ at me.

Following as this is a discussion i need to have too.

Date night, lots of 'where do you see yourself on X years' , ' what do you think about x' then explore any areas of difference if you're not happy speak up. He may have a lot to say too.

I feel all we’ve talked about all year is where he’s going to be. Where I want to be doesn’t figure or when it does he’s annoyed that I don’t want to do what he wants to do (moving away) as I used to want to do that but I’m not sure I do now.

In the very nicest way, if you aren't sure how to broach this with your DP, it would seem that the answer is that you aren't in a good place together right now so the issue is whether the relationship is salvageable or not.

I would go into that conversation knowing what I felt and what I thought should happen - it doesn't sound as if you are getting much out of being with him, from your OP

It sounds like you need a conversation about why he is not right for you.

I spent ages trying to get my ex to agree that we would be better off apart. It was Mumsnet made me realise I didn't need his permission to leave.

It sounds as though you'd feel like you were on holiday if you were to break up. The trouble with depression (and I don't mean sadness at some life-changing event here) is that it's very selfish in its nature. The person can only look inwards and what another person wants is too much to consider. I've been on the receiving end of this and I ended up on ADs to cope with his depression.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting a different life for yourself. It might do him good, too, to be more independent.

How does a life without him seem? What would be your immediate reaction?

If you feel you need to have a conversation about whether you're right together, I would say you're not, otherwise you wouldn't even be thinking this.

Think about not being together. How does that make you feel?

Just leave him if you can, you not gonna get anything form this relationship if you stay. I'm in a process of separating from my partner who suffer from it. Few last years were awful -all about him and his wellbeing. Now he wants to leave, no consideration on what he put me and our son through. It's very very selfish illness and you will be very lonely in the relationship if you stay. Please leave if you can. Spare yourself this hell, I'm sure you deserve better.

I feel like this is a conversation i need to have with my dh as well.
We have a 9 month old baby and it feels like all we do is argue now, we were so happy before.
I always feel like I am apologising, for anything and everything, he says I never take his feelings into account and that I don't let him have an opinion.
He says that in controlling and if we ever have people round he always gets stroppy about something, blames me for creating an atmosphere and then gets angry if I try to find out what I'm supposed to have done.
He works away during the week as he hated his job, so I take care of the baby, the dog, the house and everything while he is away, but if I do something that he wants to do when he is back, he says I make him feel inferior and that I'm too controlling......

I love him but I don't know that I can stay with him

Yep, if I disagree with anything it’s a problem. I’m negative and not listening to h8m and his feelings. But I can’t remember the last time he genuinely asked me how I was and listened. And iv3 done nothing but listen for months,

He’s been offered a job where we live, but he really doesn’t wan5 to take it as it’s in a new field and he reckons that’ll knock on the head his chances of getting a higher status job in his old field away.

I think I’ve just realised he’s never actually going to be happy.

We should be celebrating him being offered a job and instead he’s stomping around being really angry and angry with me 'because I won’t discuss it properly' ie just agree with him.

And I’m so angry with him.

How about some counselling on your own? To place you at the centre of things, rather than everything being about him.

It is indeed a very selfish illness. I wish my partner had told me about his recurrent depression before I moved in; in all honesty I would not have, had I known.

I’ve been thinking about counselling. I feel like it’s all about him and has been for years really especially in the lead up to what was essentially a nervous breakdown. I feel like I’ve been stumbling along day to day coping with him being very ill and I’ve just run out of steam.

It can be very draining living with someone with depression. And you're often on eggshells depending on their mood. It's difficult to draw the line between supporting & enabling someone.

How old is he? And do you have children together? A way of supporting yourself financially?