sexless marriage

[Charlie1963]

I suspect the vast majority of responses will be highly unsympathetic............but here goes.

I'm a 50+ male, been married for about 25 years. The relationship has always been challenging, but for the sake of our late teenage kids we have tried and tried and tried.

Sex was always (even from the start) massively imbalanced, and I guess my wife would make love to me as a favour...........at least that's how it felt. However when we did make love it was largely satisfying for both if us (i think), but pretty unimaginative (despite trying).

As the kids came along, sex became incredibly infrequent - often 3-4 times a year.

Bottom line, I had an affair. Shorted lived, but passionate, and i guess I thought I was in love (but probably in lust!). I ended it - but ultimately I told my wife as I was so unhappy with the state of our relationship and sexless marriage.

We decided to try at our marriage ( counselling etc), but frankly we are just like two strangers. We have had sex once in 2 years.

I really love my wife, I have done a wrong thing, but cant live without hugs, intimacy and sex............it is sending me mad. I don't want to have sex outside my marriage as I know the damage it has caused, and I don't want to break up my family. My children will no doubt be so ashamed of me - but it feels like death by a thousand cuts. I'm starting to think about leaving.............but despite being financially comfortable, the personal and emotional fall out from such a decision feels huge. Any thoughts?

Leave.

The writing is on the wall.
You've tried your best and what you need and desire will not be met within your marriage.
Marriage shouldn't be a sentence and if it's feeling like this, it's time to end it. You just have to face the fallout and trust that everyone will heal in time.
How old are your kids?

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Your choice is as follows: stay in a sexless relationship or leave.

I vote leave.

16 and 13

What the other respondents wrote.

I would add this to those replies. Do not keep on teaching your children that a loveless marriage will be their "norm" too; they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and your wife. They know that things at home are not great and perhaps wonder why you are still together at all now. Staying for them will really do them no favours either; it teaches them that the relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon a child.

I think there is a difference between no sex and lack of intimacy. I am married to a man whose degenerative illness has knocked any sex life on the head - but we hug and kiss and hand hold and generally behave in a loving way - and in front of our DC and DGC.

However, that aside, I do think that the imbalance in the relationship that you are describing is a deeper problem and it will be very hard to resolve. I agree that your DC need to see you behaving in a loving way.

It seems so selfish when clearly others are dealing with major illness issues.............if I'm honest I miss the love/intimacy/kindness more than the sex. But the sex would be good also.

It's fine to leave a sexless marriage.

I say leave too. Your marriage sounds joyless.

I think if the kindness has gone then it is pretty bleak. Does your wife like you and do you like her? I think resentment sets in as a lack of affection is soul destroying when the other person is still living with you.

I personally couldn't stay in a sexless relationship. I'd feel unwanted and unattractive. I'm happy to compromise for someone with a lower sex drive than me (say maybe 3 times a week instead of twice a day) but I don't think it's fair to expect someone to live a way that makes them miserable.

If you decide to leave please don't wait until you have found another relationship to do so. If you leave right now your kids will of course be sad and take time to come to terms with it but you should be able to retain good relationships with everyone.

If you leave for someone else it will cause s lot more pain and anger and you might not be forgiven.

Does your wife know about the affair? How long ago was that?

Why would your kids be ashamed of you?

I agree don’t wait until you have found someone else leave before then to reduce the pain for everyone involved . I would recommend a spell on your own before deciding what is next it really is illuminating.

I was in a marriage where I wanted more sex than my DH no affection etc and the damage to my self esteem was huge. Leave.

They would be ashamed because I have been unfaithful

So the affair was recent and your wife knows about it?

Another vote for leave.
It must be awfully soul-destroying to live with someone who doesn't find you attractive enough to have sex with you. You deserve another chance.

TBH it is fairly certain your situation is unlikely to change if it hasn’t in 25 years. Which leaves few options. I know I will get flack for this, but I don’t blame you for the affair in your situation. As Esther Perel said in one of her interviews, a betrayal comes in many forms. This is so true. Your wife ignoring you for years hardly helped the situation either. That can be viewed as a betrayal, too.

TBF I am amazed you held out for so long, it gets to me much quicker. I don’t think I would still be there two years later, let alone 25 years later if my H showed me no affection and ‘did me a favour’ to have sex with me three times a year. So really you either accept this is how it will always be, i.e. no intimacy or sex, or leave and try to find intimacy with somebody else. I don’t think it can be fixed, sorry.

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters that it is a bad idea to leave to move in with somebody else. It will be much harder to swallow for your children and your wife, than if you just left and stayed single for a while.

Thanks for all your posts . I guess deep down I know that things won’t get better.

But I love my kids so much , have such a good relationship with them. And the thought of seeing them less than I do now just breaks my heart.

I’m sure if we split I will still see loads of my kids- but it’s not the same as being in a family unit.

I guess I only have my own hedonism to blame...

You should have left instead of the affair...but leave now before you have another one.

Your children need a better example of a loving relationship and you don't want them thinking this affectionless marriage is normal.

The counselling hasn't worked and it's like flogging a dead horse.

Marriage isn't meant to be this hard. It's like a death sentence.

Good post just
I tolerated a sexless marriage for 11 years before separation. It nearly destroyed me.
I'm on a slow road to recovery. Very slow.

I'm of the opinion now that he never really loved me or cared about the impact of his resentment of me (he withdrew sex affection etc because he resented me)

I'm also convinced relationships shouldn't be psychological warfare. I think the gulf created by no intimacy, trust or respect breeds just that.

You know the affair was a bad idea. You say you've tried. Not a whole lot else you can do except decide what you are prepared to accept and what the options are.

DCs are thriving in the aftermath of our split. I know I'm lucky, though I'll take some credit for having the courage to call time on a mutually exhausting relationship.

Scary but absolutely the right thing to do.

You can still me a very big party of their lives.

50/50 custody and you'll see them regularly.

My brother is divorced... he's remarried and sees his DC regularly. He's much happier than he was in the last years of his marriage. His children see how happy he is now.... and they are happy for him.

Of course in the beginning they wanted mum and dad to stay together... but as they're older .. they realise it's for the best.

big part

Leave

This type of post really gets to me! Please don't feel guilty about the affair. Your wife is as much to blame by withholding sex and intimacy. She has put you in an impossible position. It is she who wants her cake and eat it .

Wanting to have an active, enjoyable sex life is not hedonism. You have ONE life. Get the fuck out of that miserable marriage.