Oh sh**balls

[SillyBillyMe17]

Help!

As you may know from my previous threads, I am due to move out of my partner's house (been living together 4.5 years) on 1st December. I had (Still have) no idea how to tell him this. It comes following years of feeling under appreciated, and seemingly suffering EA (which I have now discussed with my GP).

On Tuesday we had an enormous row - I had a new PAYG SIM card arrive at the house, I had inadvertently signed up for one to enter a competition (I am already a user of the same network on contract, so have no use for it). I chucked it out and thought no more of it. My DP on the other hand thought it was a clear sign that something was going on, that I wanted to talk to other people without him knowing. Of course this is not the case, my mind is concentrating on million and one other things, I've never had a huge interest in flirting and certainly wouldn't do so now.

Anyway, we argued in to the night, I packed all my stuff up, was ready to leave, he talked me out of it. I took the next day off as I'd slept less than two hours. That day seemed a little tense, but Ok. My DP said he hadn't accused me of cheating, I said he had implied it, so we ignored it.

Then yesterday morning he started again, just as I got up. He then got up at the same time (unusual) and started work. I left, and text him saying I'd get a hotel and move stuff to my mums at the weekend (she's 150 miles away). It went on like that all day, he called the phone network operator and asked how I got the SIM, they told him I registered and he got mad (I understand this, but I would take him at his word if it was the other way around), then last night it's almost like he's trying to convince me to stay, it's where I am meant to be, my life has improved since I've been here (health and work, yes), he loves me and is always there for me, and today has asked if we can go to a Christmas fair next week.

I am lost. I am stuck. I don't know what to do. Of course I love him, my heart is screaming out to stay, but my head knows what it's been like and will continue to be like. He said he'd be devastated if I left, but that if it was to move down to my family he could try and be happy for me. I'd be staying in the same county as I am now, so not near my family..

What do I do? How do I do this? How do I leave?

Help, I am really struggling. I don't want to hurt him.

Would it help to look at moving out, into your new place (well done, by the way, that's great) as giving yourself some options, some choices. It doesn't close down anything but gives you a chance to get some peace, some space and get out of the fog of uncertainty and doubt.

Staying, on the other hand, is an attempt to control you and closes down your options. He is good at manipulating you, so getting yourself some space is the way forward. All the best.

Gotta Sadly, in the eight years I've been on here, I have seen many threads where people have come back month after month, year after year, still saying the same things, get the same advice time and time again but nothing changes and never understand why their life is so shit. They even do the "I don't want you to say leave him because I love him". And then people literally give up with them. But there have also been many threads where it's people being very blunt that has somehow triggered the switch and they do finally realise they need to go and they do leave. Because it's being confronted with the realisation that they are in this repeat cycle and that, in the end, only they can get themselves out of it, that somehow works. And, I've experienced it in real life, too, with a very close friend of mine.

In this case, the OP was wobbling not at the start but right at the end - when she has done so brilliantly by lining up a property to go to etc. For her to throw all that away just because he's said a few nice words for a change would be madness and I felt a bit of bluntness was the best approach but I totally agree others would see it differently.

he called the phone network operator and asked how I got the SIM, they told him I registered

This is a LIE. they would not discuss a specific application or registration with him

I know how scared you are, I have been there and it's terrifying - BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE HAS HAS DONE TO YOUR SELF ESTEEM

Trust me, this time next week you will start to feel better. I promise!

And fwiw, if you wanted to get a new sim to 'hide' from him, really would you be so stupid as to get it sent to HOME? You threw it away anyway and he got it out of the bin, right? so he's torturing you for what exactly?

When you are out, get yourself a new sim, one he won't know anything about and move on and away from him. cut him out for good. the sooner you do this, the better you will feel, and the quicker you will recover.

You will feel literally as if you are the most monumentally stupid human being who ever walked, I know I did. But the only 'mistake' you made was to trust him. HE was the one who was so stupid as to take your love. care and concern and throw it away. He was the one who doesn't value you.

My ex was the same, when he threatened me about leaving unless I 'behaved', 'did what I was told' I told him that i wasn't going to do what I was told and that I behaved just fine thanks (MN helped get me to this point..)

the day he left HE unravelled, wanting me to beg him to stay... Yes if felt awful after he'd gone, for a few days, but then within hours I felt slightly better in places, relief at locking the door at night, knowing he wasn't ever coming back to wake me up and take me to task for some imagined sin or misdemeanour.

Remember, people like your stbx and my ex bully us through their feelings of inferiority and weakness. they are cowards.

Stand tall, stand proud and know that you are strong and he can't beat you.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ this with bloody bells on!!! Wise words @Hissy.

Oh I got the arrows the wrong way round!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I meant this!!

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Not if you have the messages running top to bottom MrsMinty 😆

Thanks for all the bells 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🤣

@Hissy - thank you for your wonderful message!!

Tomorrow is D-Day, of course things at home are lovely at the moment.. Shall I tell him tonight or when I get home from work tomorrow? I am seriously worried about it, about being lonely, but I keep having to tell myself the life I'm living isn't the one I want right now. I know he's not my responsibility, but I do care about him and worry that he'll be Ok.. He will, won't he?

Sorry to be so repetitive. I didn't think the right thing would feel so wrong!!

I wouldn’t say anything at all. Get the key and move your stuff out when he isn’t there.

Silly STOP thinking about whether he will be OK. Seriously. Your ONLY thoughts should be for you, getting out and starting afresh. This is part of the process - you have to let him go, totally, so that you can move on and then work out why you accepted being treated so badly for so long. I agree with Ghost - just go when he is out, leave a note but for god's sake do not tell him where you've gone and I suggest also deleting his number from your phone, blocking him from your phone (or if that isn't possible, changing your number).

Of course he'll be ok. Don't forget, he doesn't care about you. He won't worry how you're doing. He only cares about himself.

If I were you I wouldn't tell him in advance. In fact I wouldn't tell him at all

The most dangerous time regarding domestic abuse is when the abused is leaving.

Please don’t risk it.

He will be fine, OP, he sounds very good at looking after himself emotionally, at your expense.

I had a similar experience to Hissy, my very abusive ex fell apart days after he left, begging to return etc. It was all an act, he'd thought he could keep stringing me along, come and go as he pleased indefinitely. It was a shock for him to realise I'd taken enough of his behaviour.

I know it's scary, I really do. I was afraid of loneliness, how I would cope. I'd been brainwashed into believing I was hopeless. But I've coped brilliantly and I'm not lonely. I'd rather be alone than walking on eggshells waiting for the next inquisition.

You can do this, you really can. Take this step and free yourself from unhappiness. It's your Christmas gift to yourself, peace of mind.

You owe him nothing, even the sim drama was a load of lies. There's no way they'd discuss your business with him. And rooting around in the bin for your sim? Put yourself first, summon up your courage and go.

he called the phone network operator and asked how I got the SIM, they told him I registered and he got mad

i think he is lying here, the company would not have said you registered
they might have said "the only was to get one is to register" but they wouldnt have said that you did register - what company was it?

but... how would you get a sim addressed to you without some kind of registering.....? ) TL:DR - most likely lying

My dear OP, cockroaches are ALWAYS OK.

Do you think for one second that he thought about YOUR feelings as he eroded your self esteem and systematically destroyed you?

Men like him need victims like us to make them feel stronger. they take a happy, strong woman and rather than admire her, they resent her and seek to TAKE her strength from her because THEN THEY will be powerful. It literally turns them on somehow. they get a buzz or a feed from it, because it makes them feel stronger and more powerful. The more they have, the more they need. YOU/We on the other hand carry on giving more and more and more to the point we can't give any more.
Then what we give is never enough.. that's when the plummet to abject misery begins.

Worse, because they faked who they were at the beginning, because they pretended to be perfect (possibly for up to a year or 2, just to get us on the hook) we stupidly believe that if we just did this or were better at that that he would be That Man again.

he was never That Man. That was a con.

I would recommend that you don't tell him until you are out, because they are at their most dangerous when they are threatened with losing their feed.

They put YEARS of fakery and pretending to be nice into getting you on the hook. You leave... they will have to find another victim and put the same amount of excruciating effort to be something they are not (Nice).

You know this man better than we do. If you think you are in danger, or if he could hit you, then get out, get safe so you have somewhere to go to, THEN tell him. Make sure you have the escape route there if you need it.

@Hissy I don't think I have it in me to just leave and not tell him. I don't feel unsafe physically, just mentally.. My mum suggested getting the keys tomorrow and then moving out Sunday, so he doesn't think it's been too planned.

It's not that easy to leave when he's not there - he works from home and now the evenings are dark so early goes nowhere.

@Violetta, I inadvertently signed up for the SIM (on same network as my contract phone). Yes a silly mistake but I never in a million years expected his reaction or for him to retrieve it from the bin the next day.

@Ghost and @Alice, I don't feel threatened, I don't think he's that sort of person. Of course I could be wrong, but I will tell my mum that if she's not heard from me by a certain time then she should contact my neighbour up here to 'pop round'..

My oh wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at anything I sent for.

My oh isn’t abusive tho.

Make sure you have your escape route planned before you tell him.

You don’t owe him a thing. You are more important in all this than him.

You’re free to do whatever you want

Is there anything preventing you from contacting the family security part of the police, so they can be on standby incase you need them. No harm if you don't need them. I would want someone with me, ideally a woman rather than a man, incase he , well, just incase.

I've left an abusive relationship twice. The first time I rang my parents to come and get me which they did as I had no will of my own left anymore. The second time I planned it in advance and arranged to go to a friend's house with the DCs. It was really hard as both times partner had no idea and they were very controlling. It is never easy but you do need to go. I found the charity Behind Closed Doors really useful for advice prior the the second time. Is there any way you could have a friend or relation come and get you? Btw, a pp mentioned your partner ringing your mobile phone company and they gave him info. Either they are in huge breach of confidentiality or he is lying as there is no way they should divulge info like that. I really really hope you get sorted. X

I wouldn't follow your Mother's suggestion and drag it out all weekend - It will just make things worse and give him extra opportunities to guilt and coerce you. What would you do if he tries to physically stop you from moving your things out? - it could get very messy and stressful when he realises that you are actually going

Move out tomorrow when he is out as planned and if you want to tell him personally ring him when all of your things are out of the home

Most victims of abuse are created by our upbringing... I’d be VERY wary of listening to my family about any thing tbh, but I’ve been on that rodeo before.

They tried to keep me in my abusive relationship

It made their relationships look bettet

Well.. No going back now! Off home to collect my things and the pets.. That's the hard part I'm not looking forward to.

Thank you all for your support and help - I won't be able to get online over the weekend, but I'll let you know how it goes on Monday..!

Good luck hope it goes marvellously. ENJOY your weekend :)

Good luck love! Well all be thinking of you!