Moody husband

[EllieB09]

I’m at my wits end with my husband of 17 years. His moods are up and down that much that me and our 3 kids are constantly walking on eggshells. He never used to be like this but for the past 3.5 years he’s become someone I don’t recognise. Last weekend was horrible and he reduced my eldest to tears over her using the last of the milk!! At dinner time that day the older 2 were shouted at for not laying the table properly and he laid into my eldest again about the milk. This is a small example of the little things that set him off. Last week he hinted at wanting to come home from work and not deal with family life and used the fact that I’d asked him to support me over some issues concerning our eldest as an example. If I try and talk about his moods he turns it round to be my fault, or how he’s always the bad guy. I’ve suggested marriage counselling or even therapy for him on his own. He’s not interested and says we/he don’t need it. I’m becoming so paranoid about his behaviour I’ve almost convinced myself on a number of occasions that he’s having an affair as a way of explaining his moods. I’ve never found any evidence although one colleague is overly friendly which I don’t like and if I speak up he defends her. He’s been fine all of this week which confuses me even further! This is really knocking my confidence and that of my children who have asked me more than once to ‘stop daddy shouting all the time’. When I’ve try to approach the subject he says ‘you shout too’. I shout very very occasionally! Is/has anyone else been in a similar situation? I can’t live like this for the rest of my life :(

No, you don't want to live like that for the read of your life. It's harming you, it's harming your kids. He sounds horrible. I would look into leaving as soon as possible so you and the kids will have a chance at a happy life. Think of the freedom. Being relaxed. No walking on egg shells. Fun, happy times. Your children deserve that.

The answer on Mumsnet always seems to be "leave him". That might or might not end up being the right answer for you but things could still be salvageable.

Do you know what is going on with him at work? Is he struggling? Does he enjoy what he does? It sounds more likely that he's bringing home work stress than having an affair.

It's easy to brush off suggestions of counselling (etc), particularly if they come up around the time of a fight.

Can you show him your post when the kids are out of the way and during a calm moment? It seems very reasonable and I suspect it would give most decent husbands something to think about.

He doesn’t like his job and finds it incredibly stressful. I should’ve mentioned that. I’ve said to him more than once that he takes his work stress out on us!

I suspect that's pretty common and he probably knows that this behaviour isn't acceptable. We had a similar issue, which was (I think) solved by moving house so that my working day wasn't truncated by doing nursery drop off and pick up. This has meant that I can achieve more at work and be more relaxed at home. The solution for you both will probably be different but I do think it has to start with an honest conversation about what's not working. Seeing the impact it's having on you in writing might help him understand.

Ellie,

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?.

Indeed you cannot live like this for the rest of your life and you should not. His problems stem far deeper than mere work stress; he seems to hate your very being and is blaming you for all his problems. It may well be that his own parents had a similar relationship as well and he has simply copied what he saw.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting and they can help you further here. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

On a wider level what are you teaching your children about relationships here; you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you. Its no lesson to be teaching them and they are learning about relationships from the two of you as their parents. Your children are perceptive and they may well wonder of you why you and their dad are still together at all; you need to be apart from him now. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, well no you would not.

This is patently not at all salvageable; behaviour like he shows you is abusive in nature. His actions are about power and control and he wants and currently has absolute over you all with the result that you are walking on eggshells (code to my mind for living in fear).

Many people have hard lives and times but that does not give any person the right to abuse another and one whom he professes to love at that. Joint counselling is never ever recommended where there is abuse of any type within a relationship and no decent counsellor would want to see OP and her H together in the same room in any event. Such men feel entitled to act like this and feel that they are doing nothing wrong here. I note from OPs post that he is (unsurprisingly) not interested in counselling which is par for the course when it comes to abusive men.

You as well OP need a safe outlet; showing him your initial post will cut that off and he will dismiss us as a lot of man hating harpies. Do not show him your posts.

Abuse as well is about power and control, its not about communication or a perceived lack thereof. You will always co-operate, the abuser never co-operates.

My husband was like this for years. I worked out in the end that he is a huge narcissus and feels he must come first and, if things are not as he wants, he lashes out. He earns more, works harder (of course) is always right even if he’s wrong but tends to push people away from him if they need his time such as his mother or his children. He only likes celebrating good things. He would get huffy at the smallest things and no milk would have set him off. He hasn’t been involved in parenting as he left it to me and then criticised me all the time in front of the children.

However he has actually realised he had a problem. He says he’s depressed and did do something about it. He’s also had counselling. He seems a lot better and more able to understand that if you are the only one that matters to you, you will be left as the only one.

I think you have to keep suggesting that he has counselling. He needs to work out why he is irritable and do something about it. I tend to agree that lots on MN leap to divorce as a suggestion but this can all but bankrupt a family and children can be devastated by this during important exams for example. My DH saved up his worst behaviour for home. Out and with friends he held it together, but not all of the time. When he realised I had talked to friends about his behaviour he was mortified but they were not surprised about his narcissistic tendencies - it was becoming very obvious. I think he also realised he was alienating everyone and that if he wanted to have friends who mean anything to him and keep close to his children, he needed to change. So far, he’s a lot better and we are able to get past the lack of milk. Someone goes and gets some more with no drama. Hope you can talk to him. Best of luck.

OP has already stated in her initial post that her H does not want counselling. He knows what he is doing is wrong here and does not give a fig about his wife and the effects all his behaviours are having on his children. Its all about him and getting his own selfish needs met at the expense of everyone else at home.

he seems to hate your very being

Really Atilla? I'm not sure how you reached that damning conclusion from the op. Great post otherwise but I think we need to be careful not to jump in crying 'abuser!' at the first sign of any trouble.

That said, his behaviour is seriously crap and, no, you shouldn't have to live with this. You don't need his permission or agreement to take steps to protect you and the kids. Just do it, whether he's onside or not. He's holding you all to ransom otherwise.

I agree: don't have therapy with him.

If this has been going on for the past 3.5 years then this is really not the first sign of trouble.

I also wonder if the other lady started working with him around that time also. From the OP it would not surprise me if there is an emotional affair in the mix as well. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is continuous with such people. Such men really do hate women, all of them. I think it is fair to say springey that he hates himself (abusive people are not happy souls in any case) and hates/blames his wife for making him feel like that. It would not surprise me either if OP was to subsequently write that he is nice/would help anyone out in the outside world.

A stresful job can completely overwhelm the nicest person and he may well be keeping it in check at work and then it all comes gushing out at home. Can you start a conversation with him about looking for another job, something he would enjoy more. If he can get there is one step, maybe look at writing a list of what he likes about his job/benefits and then what he doesnt like/costs. Maybe that would help strategically.

I think its time for a serious talk. Write what points you want to make and keep your voice steady and low. Tell him you know his job is stressful etc but that it is no excuse to take it out on you and the DC. It is upsetting them dreadfully and they are the people he should be kindest and most loving to. You want to support him but there has to change (or else... ). What would help - counselling, new job search.

He needs to want to effect change - you can't do it alone. When he speaks aggressively to you or the DC I would say "don't speak to me like that". Put some boundaries in place - your children are not his whipping boys.

he will dismiss us as a lot of man hating harpies

I can't imagine what might give him that idea.

Only the OP knows what the situation at home is really like and I certainly don't know how @AttilaTheMeerkat understood "his problems stem far deeper than mere work stress", "he seems to hate your very being", and "he currently has absolute power over you" from the details provided so far.

They have been married for 17 years - presumably dating before that - and it sounds as if things have deteriorated over the last 3.5. Something has changed. If the OP wants to tackle this then they need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what brought about that change. The OPs concerns (as articulated here) seem to be a good place to start.