This might seem trivial, but I'm so angry and I don't know how to let it go.
Found out in a random conversation with dh that he spends about £120-150 a month on cigarettes. I had no idea. For years I've been walking about in cheap, scruffy shoes - I have one decent but cheap pair for work that are getting pretty scruffy tbh, another pair I bought for £8 that slice my feet to shreds and that's it. I've been wearing pants with holes in rather than buying new because, honestly, it's clothes for the kids or pants for me. I earn about £11k, pay all the bills and childcare costs and I'm left with pennies at the end of the month. He earns 26K and pays rent and train fare (probably equivalent to the amount I pay for bills altogether.) Then £120 at least on cigarettes. He goes drinking/dinner a few times a months with friends or work people. I never go out.
He's watched me walking around in scruffy or painful shoes, pants with holes in (so classy) while he's wazzocking money around on fucking cigarettes and nights out. Alright, nights out a few times a month is not exactly excessive, but I haven't been out for over a year because I thought we had no money. I didn't have a haircut for over 2 years because £40 every 6 months seemed excessive to me.
He will say in his defence that he always offered me the odd £100 here and there, but he's always saying how broke he is, how maybe he can't afford the rent this month, so in my mind, how can I say yes please? He earns more than twice as much as me and I don't understand where the fuck the money is going. I'm £3.5k in debt because for the last couple of years I keep having to use my credit card to get petrol at the end of the month when I was out of money, to get shoes etc for the kids, mot, car service, christmas and birthday presents and it's just spiralled.
How could he watch me struggling, knowing that he could cut down on cigarettes and have some spare money for the family, knowing that he earned twice as much but was still happy to say "oh ok" when I turned down his offer of money because I thought he was also broke.
I feel like such a fucking mug. How could he not notice that I was struggling 
He's crap at emotions so when he upsets me I have to deal with it myself - in fact he's gone off in a little strop because I asked him if there were any other secrets.
And I can't be rational because I am so angry and feeling neglected and not understanding how my own husband didn't think to mention how much he was spending on something not so essential - i know it's addictive and I can't expect him to stop but I just keep imaging him opening the cigarette packet and thinking, "hmm, shall I cut down to two packets a week instead of three so after a month my wife can buy some shoes that aren't shit? Nah fuck, these things are delicious, fuck her!"
Oh and he tried to blame me for not knowing how many cigarettes he smoked a week. How would I know??
Fuck. Ing. Hell.
I would appreciate calming thoughts right now 