Will it always be this way - your stories please.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this post. I guess it's one way to vent but at the same time I suppose as much as anything I would like to hear your experiences.
I'm 7 months out of a 2 year abusive relationship. The shortest relationship I've had but the most intense, impacting one I've ever had.
The EA was always there, just a few weeks in. I guess I ignored. Although I was aware.
We had a fair bit of time apart most weeks due to work and child care commitments. We moved in with each other within the 1st year, mainly because of circumstances, I felt pushed into it if I'm honest, but I thought we were so in love too. It felt so different to anything before.
Anyway within a week the controlling ways became apparent. Within a month the verbal abuse began, it became more sever each time, and also more frequent.
Long story short I split from him this year. I couldn't stand the mind games and emotional blackmail any longer, I felt like I was going crazy, he quite often told me I was too.
Basically me ending it made it turn physical. It has all been dealt with legally and I have a restraining order. I knew I couldn't stay after that.
I get that I'm one of the lucky ones. I have no dependant children, my own house, a job and a great family/good friends.
I am 5 months into therapy and have done a lot of research and reading around abisive relationships and the ramifications kind of trauma. Its been so hard but i have explored why I fell in love with this man and how I can prevent that from happening again.
Ive recently started going out a lot, not just to pubs etc but just planning at least 1 or 2 things a week and the odd girls night out/in. Building friendships back up.
The thing is I've met a couple of nice men but no one gives me any kind of feeling. Literally nothing. It's like I'm void of emotion. I'm not sure if im just not ready b i have enjoyed a couple of dates I but just don't feel anything, nothing. I'm getting concerned about if this will always be like this for me now. I'm begining to wonder if mentally I will ever be able to feel a bond with someone again.

Yes you will but not for a while.

It's only been 7 months. If you have read up on the domestic abuse you'll know it is akin to the trauma war vets experience after combat. It takes a while to heal from that stuff.

imo and ime you are a changed person after domestic abuse. Not worse, or broken, but changed. Keep being kind kind kind to yourself, you need it and you deserve it after that horror

Thank you springydaff.
I know it's still relatively early days, but I've done so much work in therapy? , it's been specialised counselling (pretty intense at times) at a centre who are specifically for this type of thing.
I'm not in a rush to start something heavy but after so much pain in the first few months I just now seem to feel numb of any kind of feeling.
It's almost robotic where the thought of men are concerned.i guess I was just wondering if others who had gone through this had experienced something similar and if they had got over it and gone onto fall in love, feel excited about men/relationships again.
I hate that he may still be having some kind of control over my feelings.

I understand what your saying biscuits and that's part of the problem.
I'm not worried about meeting someone abusive, as I said I'm completely aware of the flags I chose to ignore last time. I can spot them from a mile off now lol. I guess I'm so aware I'm worried I will overlook all men in case they are abusive lol
Ive done so much work around boundaries and have clear ones set in stone now, which has made me a lot more assertive in every area. So much so that I even removed myself from a long term friendship because of various reasons that compromised my new 'acceptable way to be treated' ethics
The thing is I just don't feel anything, I'm usually a really emphatic person, and I like male company but I just don't get anything now.
Perhaps youre right and this stage will pass too. I don't feel like it's something I'm doing conciously but maybe I am as a protection thing.
I guess I'll just continue to do everything I'm doing, enjoy my time alone, continue to repair and heal and acknowledge that this is all part of the process.
I'm just so worried my heart will become a cold ice like thing lol.
It's lovely to hear you've completely moved on and are happy now.

You will and most likely it’ll feel different to when you got involved with people before as you’ll feel guarded and what you’ve been through will effect how you are in relationships. In some ways that can be positive though; I’m much clearer about what I want in a relationship and I know I’m strong enough to leave if warning signs come up or if I’m not happy.
7 months is a very short amount of time; I still felt I was recovering for quite a while. In the first year I went on a few dates but never really felt safe to make a real connection; looking back I was possibly worried about a similar thing happening. Thinking about it now I wonder if I was a bit similar to you as I don’t remember feeling much and I’m not even sure I felt particularly bad when I ended things after a few dates whereas in the past I also felt awful for letting people down.
About a year after I got together with a friend and in getting together I told him about my previous relationship which was important as some small things would trigger (and still do) memories from the relationship, for example I asked him that if we ever having a normal argument not to stand in a doorway as my ex used to block the doorway when we argued. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now and very happy with him. I think the friendship I had with him before our relationship really helped me start to trust him.
Sometimes I do feel that I’m still recovering though; reading certain things or watching some things on tv bring back memories and I think those experiences will always be a part of me.

OP, you'll get it back but it will be different, because you are different. Are you looking for the intensity you felt at the beginning with your ex? For some reason, these men are unusually good at communicating passion and intensity and it's quite intoxicating at the start. If you've had more than one of these relationships it's possible you equate these feelings with love so are measuring other interactions against them. That's what I did. I met my boyfriend a year after leaving my abuser. We took things at a snail's pace for a year (met once or twice a month but talked all the time in between). For a long time I thought I didn't really love him because I didn't feel all these big, overwhelming feelings I'd felt with my ex (who told me he loved me after five weeks and moved in with me after five months). But two years later, we're very happy and I've realised this is what normal non abusive relationships are like. I love him and that love is based on a thorough knowledge of his character. And I know he loves me because of the things he does and because there is coherence between his words and his actions. But it's a work in progress, it takes time and like other posters, I have had to warn him that certain things will upset me disproportionately because they remind me of my ex. You sound like you're doing everything right so far. i look back on my experience now as a blessing in disguise because it's taught me so much. You might too, in time

Thank you for sharing that sounds very accurate, you're right things do trigger me.

I'm dreading having to explain all this when and if I eventually do meet someone else.
It's so bloody frustrating the effect his toss pot ways have had and continue to have on my life while he probably swans around like the arse he is.

Nope only abusive relationship I've ever had, i understand the intensity isnt normal or healthy, I don't feel like I'm looking for that again if anything it was exgausting.
It just seems I feel nothing, no excitement, no want no nothing, the only thing i really feel to any extent and only on ocassion is anger towards my ex. Thats only recent though and something i intend on discussing this week at therapy. It's really hard to explain

You don't have to explain it to a new partner. I certainly won't. It's a bit like being a japanese prisoner of war - not many who survived it talk about it.

Go with that anger! Sounds very healthy to me. In the months/years after I left my abusive ex I fantasised the most lurid punishments for him. Really shocking. It was the trauma working its way out of my system imo.

Honestly, nothing about your accounts of your 'numbness' ring alarm bells for me. All seems par for the course. You're doing acres of work on yourself. Give it time, you'll get there in the end xx