When (and how) do you ask where it’s going?

[teaandcakeat8]

Been seeing a guy for a couple of months. I like him a lot. We currently see each other 2-3 times per week... used to go out a lot but lately seem to have got closer and spend more time just cooking dinner together and talking.

I’m not sure if I should ask where he sees it going yet?

He’s very affectionate - cuddling, holds my hand in public, hugs on the train, we take a lot of baths together etc. The sex is good and we talk a lot.

But he perhaps messages me less than he did at first.

The big sticking point is that he lives between two cities. Currently spends weekends at the other city although last week I went back with him and stayed with him, which was nice.

I’m happy with how it is but I guess slightly insecure. Not sure if it’s too early to have the chat and if I would just be doing it to try and reassure myself?

Do you have a short timeline to have kids (do you want kids?)? I.e., under two years?

If you do, then ask him quickly and matter of factly whether he also wants kids in the next few years. And if he does, and doesn't balk too much, keep seeing him.

If kids aren't on your radar or your timeline is longer -

In my experience, "having the chat" does nothing. If he wants to keep seeing you without a long term plan, then he'll lie to you to get that. He may not even admit to himself that he is lying - but he will lie. You should not gain any sense of security from "the chat".

If he DOES have long term plans for your relationship at this stage, then he's probably not very clever or is a bit desperate, since if you've only known each other for months, he wouldn't be able to tell whether the compatibility is really there yet.

It's such early days OP. You don't even know this guy. What you're experiencing at the moment is a rush of bonding hormones. Keep your head and watch as he unfolds as a person, and YOU decide whether you want him in your life long term.

Whatever side he's showing to you right now, is his best side. Watch and wait. For quite a long time yet.

If you look to a man to make you feel secure in the early stages of a relationship, you are going to come a dreadful cropper, sorry. Neither of you should feel secure in the other just now. You don't know each other yet. Let your sense of security come from yourself.

I've been in a very similar situation. I was dating someone casually who worked in London but came home to the NE on his rest days. I had to have the chat about where it was going after about 5months, purely as it was getting to the stage where I couldn't see him sometimes on his days off as I had DD and i didn't want to introduce him to her if it wasn't long term. He was very honest with me and couldn't give me that guarantee. So we ended it or at least ended what we had. If I hadn't been a LP I would have been happier to just carry on as we were and see what happened.

So ask sooner if you have kids or want kids. If it suits you just go with it.

No kids involved. I want to move to his other city next year - have done since before seeing him - so I’m thinking of seeing how it pans out. I’m 27 and he is 37.

To answer your question, never and you don't. Live in the present. Everything sounds amazing!!