*DV trigger possibly * Anyone done the Freedom Programme and happy to give general info?

[Blinkingecksake]

Hi, not looking to break anyone’s confidences, but just wondered if any of you wise ladies have done the Freedom programme and would be happy to give general feedback? I can only access a day course due to childcare and would need to negotiate time off work which will be difficult, but I’m willing to try and sort it if it will be worthwhile.

My ex husband assaulted me in front of the children Sunday, police not treating it as urgent at all, I’m so frustrated and need to feel I am doing something to empower myself and not be scared. Thanks for any info, will be much appreciated.

Anyone....? Thanks x

I’ve heard good things about the Freedom programme but have never done it myself. It might be worthwhile in doing the day course and then you can find out about what support is available in your area.

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through OP.

I’ve done it. I enjoyed it but it didn’t prevent abusive relationship #2

It’s well worth doing, and the in person course is best

It will not stop the abuse

Only you getting yourself and your kids out will do that

Be careful, if they know you’re wising up, abusers can get more dangerous

I've done the course twice (prior to meeting my DH, ex was an abusive arsehole) it helped me to recognise early warning signs.

The programme is most effective after you have left your abusive relationship, however, several ladies that I met in the group have since been able to safely leave the abusive partners with help and advice from the group facilitators and the advice given to leave safely.

There is also a book available called "Freedoms Flowers" it's written by children who have witnessed domestic abuse in the adults relationship and the impact that it had on them years down the line and how it has affected them. Worth a read, but have a box of tissues handy, the course also touches on the impact the abuse will be having on your children even if you think they don't actually witness it...

A family member did it as was in an abusive relationship and was strongly 'advised' to do so by Social Services. It gave information that she found interesting on an intellectual level. However, sadly, many people were there because they are 'advised' to be. The family member, some years later, was ready to leave the abuse and did so.
The family member told me recently that all the courses in the world won't make any difference until a person is ready

Is worth doing if you're ready to receive the information. I did it while I was in the refuge, with women I was living with. For me it was hard, especially when we covered sexual abuse, coming to terms with the knowledge that what I'd rationalised as normal was rape.

I will never regret doing it, it allowed me to understand that abusers are not unique, and it gave me understanding of the tactics used. In a bizarre way, I got confidence from it. Must have worked, dp is a right softy, total opposite of the dominator!

Sorry not had experience with the course myself, but wanted to offer support. It's a huge thing to process. I did find the book Why Does He Do That to be really helpful. And discussing experiences with others (MN for me). My ex was not physically abusive.

Call and speak to women's aid if you need to. It is all about how you act immediately, you need to keep reminding yourself that something terribly wrong and abnormal has happened because otherwise your brain will try to protect you by normalising or excusing what happened. Try to spend as much time with people who are shocked by this and less time with people who want to explain it away. Write everything down how you're feeling because it will fade. Start looking at practical next steps in terms of housing, money, legal advice as soon as you can. The sooner you start pushing along this path the more likely you will stick to it.

Good luck and well done for being so strong as I know you must have been.

Oh sorry, just seen it was your ex - that's better in a way as you should have already extricated from the relationship somewhat? So rather than thinking about housing and money you'll need to be looking into arrangements for child contact and options to keep them and you safe. If you gave any suspicion he might try to harm your property etc, extra security there.

I did it. I found it useful, especially the moral support element but I couldn't attend every session and I think it helps if you can. It is safer to do if you have left, in my view. There is an accompanying book you can order online if you want to know more. Reading 'Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft was also an eye opener for me.

Thanks everyone. I actually left almost 3 years ago and am now divorced but his anger towards me seems to be getting worse than ever. He physically assaulted me last weekend at drop off in front of our children. I’ve had a few different agencies contact me this week but they all just seem to want to signpost me on to someone else - ie freedom programme. I think it may be worth it for me to understand my past and prevent future mistakes. I have had a relationship since my divorce but ended that recently for a number of reasons.

My worry is access arrangements, the children say they don’t feel scared of him - as they say, it’s me he’s angry with. I’m not sure it worth the expensyorb

Argh my screen froze!! Where was I.... yes I’m not convinced he’ll keep to a court order so not worth the expense. Kids want to see him still but I need to feel safe. Have a meeting with the solicitors this week. Police still haven’t interviewed him - are doing so next week but implying it’s up to me whether to press charges. Why am I frightened of doing so?!! He badly hurt me!

I thought the point of getting a court order was that he has to comply with it or be arrested?

The FP might help you work out your relationship with him now and how to handle things, as it's fairly common for an abusive man to keep going over the same control seeking patterns after the relationship has ended, just with new tactics because of course the dynamic is different.

I am surprised if he's allowed unsupervised contact after assaulting you in front of them :( Or wait not really surprised but sad.

It is a little concerning that your DC are not frightened, even though it's obviously positive that they believe he wouldn't hurt them. I wonder if you could try and look at pressing charges as being something you could do for them to help protect them, or send a clear message?

Do you know are you frightened for yourself or are you frightened of what it would mean for him?

Thank Bertie - apologies for the delay, I don't seem to be able to post from my phone so needed to wait to get on the PC.

I can't believe how there are no guidelines or rules for him having them. I had the same problem when he tried to kill himself and I felt he was very unbalanced. Social care said it's up to me, just like the police are saying now. They imply that I know him best which frustrates the life out of me!! I haven't been with him for 3 years and I have erratic contact so how am I supposed to know how his mind is working or how stable he is?!

I'm confused as to what to do. Part of me wants to press charges and Bertie your thoughts have really helped my thinking, thank you. I don't actually know if I am frightened of him or a bit scared of what it would mean for him, or a bit of both I guess.

I think if he breaks some sort of restraining order it's different, but an access order set out by family court doesn't, from what I gather, have any consequence if he breaks it. So I just don't know. I feel a bit lost. Am really hoping my free half hour with the solicitors on Weds can at least give me some direction.

Also, the book some of you have recommended, I think a lot of his problems are down to very poor mental health, would it still apply to me? Thanks for any info.

Yes absolutely the book would still apply. It is very sad when a perpetrator has suffered abuse themselves or had a hard time for whatever reason but it does not excuse abusive behaviour. This is very common and I think the book does go into this - I can't remember unfortunately as I gave my copy away some years ago.

It is very difficult because often we get drawn into narratives of "saving" them - less so once we've left, but we still tend to feel sympathy for their problems or almost as though they are a child we need to protect, especially when others do not understand their problems, difficulties, don't know their past etc. We can end up feeling as though it is only us who can truly get through to them and understand them. That is very dangerous because it opens you up to the abuse, and because it keeps enabling the abuser. Unfortunately although mental health problems and previous trauma are horrific things to deal with, the reality is that it is the person themselves who must deal with this. It is very similar to addiction in this sense - you did not Cause this, you cannot Control it and you can't Change it.

But that is why I asked if you're frightened of what it would mean for him. Because you may be tempering his actions with what you know about his problems, and this causes you to think that he doesn't really deserve any consequences. The problem with this is, without consequences, what is likely to happen next? How will the situation develop in the future and affect the other people involved (especially the DC).

It may well be too late to help him with his problems but you can help prevent a lot of future suffering by concentrating on protecting the DC.

Once again BertieBotts thank you so much. You always make so much sense. You absolutely hit the nail on the head. I have always tried to save him, protect him, help him for exactly the reasons you've said. And again you've focused my thinking back on to protecting the DC, which is exactly where it should be. I'd actually psyched myself up to asking the police to press charges as I recognise that without consequences, why would he ever change? Losing me and our children and our home hasn't been consequence enough!! Maybe a police charge would help.

But very annoyingly, the police have decided to caution instead of charge because he admitted it all and it's his 'first' offence. God I am so frustrated with it all. Still, my energies are now on seeing a solicitor and getting some kind of court order with power of arrest on it to hopefully enable contact that is acceptable to the children and to me. Thanks again for your very useful advice