Ds asking questions about absent father

[Ellendegeneres]

Ds is 4. He has never known his father. I've tried to change this, but to no avail. I've always been open about conversations around his father, but today's was particularly difficult.
It started with him finding a photo- I don't know how the hell it turned up, but it did. Immediately he says this is my dad mummy. I say yup. He sees on the label the name- it's the same as a school friend. This starts up well if he's got the same name as x, he must be lovely, because my friend is. Then starts saying he loves his father because he's lovely just like x.
I should say, ds is imo emotionally immature.
Fact is, his father isn't lovely. He's an absolute tosser who never wanted anything to do with ds. He's lied, cheated and done exactly what he can to avoid paying for him. Told me to have an abortion, ignored so many attempts at contact being set up. I don't take it personally anymore, but how do I cope with my ds hero worshipping someone who isn't around through choice?
I want to explain who and what his father is, but without it coming across like... like it's a personal attack?
Ds sees his brother being collected by his dad every week and wants the love of his dad.

Contacting him again is not an option. I will not. He knows where we live, knows how to contact me. I simply don't know how to word to ds without being hurtful that the man isn't someone to look up to, nor does he deserve this misplaced admiration.

Please don't give me a bashing. Feeling a bit delicate

I feel your pain.

Do you have any contact with his family?
I'm in similar situation with my ds2 dad.
I've always made sure his family have contact invited to school stuff bday parties etc.
This way I know I can say I've always made contact available.
Other than that I have no advice but your not alone.

What a difficult situation. Personally I would try to be as truthful as possible without slating his father (even if he deserves it). If he asks say 'you don't know' why Dad doesn't visit.

In the end sadly your ds will realise Dad has not parented adequately - seems to happen as they go to High School age-ish. But it could be damaging if he feels he can't be honest with you that he loves his Dad. Think how many 4 year olds have pretend 'friends' and he's just filling in the gaps in his knowledge.
Can you do special things together while other ds is with his Dad?

Posted too soon - sorry you're going through this and it's made worse by comparison with other father.

Unfortunately ds sometimes people aren't as nice as you first thought. That's why we don't have anything to do with him anymore. Maybe when you are older you 2 can meet and you can make up your own mind, but til then it just us and we are a great family - just like x has.

Hi OP, my dad was an absent dad too. He went to live abroad when I was about 3 or 4 yrs old, soon after my parents separated. I only saw him again when I was 10 or 11.

My mum and my grandmother would usually speak badly of him in front of me, or they would not say good things about him to me. The truth, as always, was probably half way through.

The only thing I can say from that experience is that children build their self worth and self esteem on the basis of who their parents are and how much they love them, whether the parents are present or not. So it's very damaging to a child sense of self worth to criticise their parent, either mother of father.

You will have to be the bigger person here and try to put away your grudges with your ex. I'm not saying what you think about him is not true, what I'm saying a young child doesn't need to know the bad, yet.

Try to speak to him in realistic terms, don't idealise the dad either, explain the facts, that he's not around and that he lives away, but try not to use adjectives that denigrate him or make him look bad. Explain that one day, when he's older, he might want to contact him and get to know him. A child will only think that if his dad was bad for you, he's probably bad for you too. If he says he loves his dad, tell him that loving people is a great thing and that you are happy he has so much love to give in his little heart. You don't need to say more than that.

No contact with his family- they were invited to meet newborn ds and didn't even respond to the message ☹️
I am aware (cmo reductions) he's had at least one more child- who by all accounts he's actually parenting. So my ds will grow up and be aware that no, it's not that he wasn't ready to be a dad, he just didn't want his first. Horrible excuse for a human.
It's the 'I love him, my daddy is amazing/lovely/ so kind!' That breaks me. I remind him of other family he has, close family friends etc that are good to him and loving. But it's not enough, he wants his dad. He doesn't have a dad. He has an idea of what it is to be one- ds2s dad is brilliant, and ds1 tells him he loves him etc too, but they don't have a relationship like I know my son craves.
I'm blaming hormones, it's giving me tears ☹️

gin I really love that, tell him that loving people is a great thing and that you are happy he has so much love to give in his little heart
Thank you, I'll use that.
Thank you all for being gentle too, I only want the best for my dc, one having a dad and one not what I wanted. Both my dc deserve all the love in the world

Bluelonerose, helpmum and whereisthetinsel, thank you all so much for your helpful advice too

I’m in the same position except my DD is 7.
I wouldn’t say to your son that his dad isn’t a nice person because your son is half that person and you don’t want him to feel bad about himself.

The way I do it is I answer any questions my daughter asks as honestly but gently and age appropriately as I can.
When she asks why he didn’t want her I say “Don’t be silly, it’s not that he didn’t want you because he never met you. Everyone that meets you knows how wonderful you are. He’s a silly man for not giving himself the chance”

When she asks “Why didn’t he want to meet me?” I say something along the lines of “Because being a parent is a huge responsibility and it can be scary for some people. Mummy was ready to be a parent and so I take care of you”

I try to emphasise that I’m so lucky to have her and what a blessing she is to me and the rest of our family. She is loved and very much wanted.

My dad was absent too he was/still is also a tosser. When I was little I used to imagine what he’d be like and make him all perfect in my head. I think as a child it was easier to imagine he was lovely but too busy with life or too far away to see me rather than deal with the real abandonment issue as a child, like your ds I couldn’t understand the situation.
My mum used to lie to me or be too honest BUT my dear old gran used to get me to write him letters. I have no idea if she sent them but they helped me so much. Maybe that would be a good idea for you son ?
When I was little and I cried for my dad the most comforting thing I can remember was gran saying “I know darling, I love you”. She never commented on him just made sure I knew she loved me. It’s hard not to bash him as clearly he’s a tosser but the actual issue is helping your ds cope with not having a dad rather than knowing the who, what’s and why’s. He will grow to know that his dad isn’t a good man so you just help him to cope with the emotions as they come and go.

Also just to add that I think that just by taking the time to think about what to say to him shows you are a lovely mum so please don’t be to hard on yourself. Your obviously doing a wonderful job

Thank you, Ellen! Love is the key here. It's best to teach our dc to be loving human beings, no matter how shitty people are to us or to them.
By saying bad things about his dad, you're indirectly encourage him to hate him or dislike him. That's what my mum did and looking back I think it was so wrong.
All best with it all :)

I'm also in this position. Dd is 5. I try to be as age appropriately honest as I can. I have told her that he made a choice which was different to mine and that he chose a different life. I don't slag him off or anything as she's too young and it's not going to help anyone. When she says he might be nice I just say 'Yeah maybe one day' I'm quite vague. She doesn't ask often. My son is 7 and remembers him being around. He never asks anything.

Also I don’t let DD refer to him as his “Dad”. We had a discussion about biologically making a child and being a Mum or Dad and they’re very different things.
Some people are raised by the people who made them, some people aren’t. Sometimes your mum or dad aren’t the people who made you e.g. adoption, stepparents etc.

I am the woman who made her and also her Mummy. She calls her father “the man who helped make me”. She doesn’t have a step father either but we don’t discuss him in the same way we would talk about daddies that we know.
She simply feels she doesn’t have a daddy but she has a mummy who does both jobs... she even made me a Father’s Day card saying “thank you for being the best”

As her dad I meant

What happened to the nest of vipers?? You lot are all wonderful!
hop your point about him being half his father is a huge part of why I want to be careful. I also grew up hearing what a waste of space my own father was she wasn't wrong, he's a grade a wanker but it affected how I felt about myself.
I grew up with mh problems and ended up accepting abuse when otherwise I may not have.
bitsandbobs I'm so sorry you went through that. I can relate, kind of.
You're very sweet, my dc are my world and whatever I can I'll do- I have a meeting tomorrow with his teacher, I might ask if she's considered a family board or can recommend a few books. I do allow the photo (it's an old bus pass with his photo on it) because he deserves to know what he looks like. They're alike in some ways, physically, so when ds is older he'll never feel like his father's been the hidden discussion or secret

I think your DC is the typical age for questioning the lack of dad. I think they start to understand it in schools add in biff, chip and Kippers perfect family.

My DS has not seen his dad since he was 3. He doesn't really remember him.

Be honest. I say things like it is ok to miss the dad you don't have but you don't know what he is like as you have never met you. I do also put in the I can't imagine not seeing you . He has missed out on knowing a fantasic boy.

My DS is now 10 it has took till he was about 7/8 to start to not be bothered about his dad.

We also talk about how we focus on the people who are in our life.

One other thing I learnt was the minute dad is mentioned I felt compelled to answer explain even if it was bedtime..In a way I gave him more significance than he deserved

trev I'm sorry you're in this position too. You feel guilty like it's your fault despite being the one who's been there the whole time don't you? ☹️

hop that's my problem- and why I refer to him here as his father. Dads to me are around, like ds2s dad. Seriously, ds2 is incredibly lucky, his dad worships him.
Today I have stashed the pic when he was done with it- let him wait a while before that one comes up again I think!

star that's exactly it! I don't want him having more significance than he deserves. I feel the need for a 'chat' about it, rather than a passing oh right, yeah, that's the one 🙄

for you OP. It's a very hard thing to deal with. My own DS has never met his dad, I tried for years to get him to be a part of his life to no avail. He's 9 now and asks about him every few months or so. I always tell him he can ask me anything about him as I don't want him bottling things up. This year he asked if he could see him, I wrote to him, explained ds's wishes and he completely ignored me. I had to tell my DS I wasn't sure if he had received my email and that he may have changed it to soften the blow. Generally I stick to the 'parenting is a job and not everyone can do it' line which may be trickier since your ex has gone on to have another child. I have somehow managed not to badmouth him though nor will I ever, hard as that is.

Ellen again I am in the same position. My DS who is 3 sees his dad regularly and he is doted upon.
It seems to magnify what my DD is missing when she sees her brother going to his dad’s house at the weekends. My heart breaks for her.
But I also treat the time that her little brother is away as “our special time”. She’ll sleep in with me and watch films in my bed. I emphasise how much I value that time with her and how in one way I’m lucky I don’t have to share her because I get to have her everyday all to myself.

The situation is shit but your son won’t be damaged by it or grow to feeling like he’s missing anything because he’ll have a wonderful Mum

scrabble that's the line I've been using since he was 2 and a half and first asked, thank you. Again, sorry you have to deal with it too.

Oh hop it's horrible isn't it? I wouldn't wish ds2 to have it any other way, and I do the same- special time, spending lots of time making memories for us and showing how much I value him.
I'm glad I get to, I won't lie. I'm in a relationship and my man sees his dc (our dc know one another) so I guess it's more 'well why has x got x for a dad and I've got no one??' 🙁
Impossible to answer stuff like that without feeling it in the heart!

I know what your going through been through it all with my dd1 whose 9 its heartbreaking isn't it, she started at a similar age 3/4 i always told her he was busy working & told her anything else she asked name,age what he looked like what job he did, if its any help my dd whose nearly 10 has started to realise now all by herself what is going on with her father & quite often when we are by ourselves says things that catch me off guard the biggest one was 'mum my father isn't a very responsible father is he' hearing this from a 9 year old hit me with just how mature they can be, it doesn't last forever you have to let them learn this on they own, just make sure when the time comes they know its no reflection on him its all on his father without berating his father in front of him, & honestly op after nearly 10 wonderful but hard years it is totally his fathers loss & with that attitude to his own children you are both better without him in your lives