Hi,
Feeling very down and lost so looking for a bit of advice. My BF and I have been together for a year. He works where I am from and at the beginning he was intent on making a life here with me-I have a business here and he said he was committed to making a life where I was.
However, things unravelled gradually. He is a huge home bird. He is massively attached to his family and his life at home. It was where he ultimately wanted to end up living eventually, even though with work, he would not be going back there for years anyway.
As time has gone on, the realisation that he needs to commit to me and being here has made him obviously panic and withdraw a bit. He stopped talking about the future and became emotionally more distant.
All of this has made me feel so insecure in the relationship. Some arguments have resulted, almost all centred around this withdrawing-I have felt his family and his life at home come before me-In every argument I was really looking for reassurance but each time he portrayed me as just being argumentative.
He says he loves me but it is clear that the idea of making a permanent life here and not in his home town has given him second thoughts.
A few weeks ago, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I had been thinking I needed to end it anyway but then an incident where I found out he had been disloyal to me, criticising me to his family broke the camels back.
I ended it but we talked for a long time and ended up taking a break for a week. In that time, he said he did want to make a life here with me, he loved me too much to lose me and asked for another chance. He said that he wants to marry me and have children. He said he worries that we argue so much but failed to really understand that the arguments between us have all come back to the same thing-making me the first priority in his life. He said in the end that 'success is not guaranteed' but there was too much love there to just let it go. I made it clear that I will not wait around if he does not give me full commitment.
In the past couple of weeks since then, he has been making an obvious effort to be loving and caring, and make me feel like his priority. We have made some nice plans together for the coming weeks.
But I have noticed (as I did before our break) that he makes absolutely no plans for after Christmas. I know New Years is a big thing for him in terms of fresh starts. Its pretty clear to me that he is giving things until Xmas to see how it goes and to make his decision. He said during our break that he feels that couples should be engaged in a year and a half of getting together and its obvious to me that he is giving himself these weeks to come to the decision-can he fully commit to me here and make his life here and not his home town. He stressed how much he wanted it to work and said he would give it all he had.
I feel distraught by it all and I have come to the realisation that although I love him deeply, I have been so unbelievably unhappy these last months-surely this is not what a love should be? I think he loves me and may make the decision that he will stay as he can't be without me but I now feel its too little, too late. I feel I deserve more than someone who is not really fully sure. I also feel that if he does make that decision, he will never be fully happy with me as he won't be happy living here.
I also feel I should have more respect for myself, waiting around in the hope that he will decide I am worth staying for. I feel he should be fighting for me, not me hanging around for him.
Am I right to end it now?