Different feelings on how much time together feels right in a new relationship

[Twirlingaround]

Hi all,

This is just a silly problem compared to many on here....and many I have myself, but thought I'd ask anyway .

I am separated and 4 months ago began a new relationship. It's the first time I have been in a new relationship in 23 years...so I really have no idea . Anyway, how do I stop myself feeling hurt and rejected when she says she needs some time alone and doesn't want to see or touch anyone including me for a while? Because of having work and children we only spend about 2 or 3 nights a week together. I would like to see her more, not less. How do I help myself feel ok about this?

Thanks

I think as an adult if you can't understand the need for personal time and respect that she needs and wants time for herself, that's a little concerning, TBH.

OP - you have only been dating for 4 months and already spending 2-3 nights/week together???
I think you are missing being married, and closeness that it provides.

But you are not marriedand it’s early days. And, i’d say, your feelings of being ‘rejected’ when she needs time for herself are a bit worrying.
If you like her and don’t want to send her running (and feeling smothered) - do find a way to deal with those feelings.

It is perfectly normal NOT to want to be around & touched by people.
And people need to respect that.

I think 2-3 nights a week together after 4 months when you have children seems perfectly reasonable. You didn't mention how old your children are, but I'm assuming they're still young enough to be at home, not like 25 and living away on their own. My husband and I live in the same house and see each other every day, but I would say we don't have more than 2-3 quality nights a week together when we aren't busy with children, work or other commitments. She sounds like someone who is particularly independent, has a lot on her plate already, and really needs alone time to re-charge. I'm assuming she's involved in parenting and other commitments many other days and evenings, so a night or two a week fully to herself seems perfectly reasonable. Certainly, thinking back to when my mum was dating when I was a teenager, having her boyfriend over 2-3 times a week would have seemed excessive. We were busy, she worked lots, we needed time together and I would have felt like he was intruding on our family time together (it wasn't a really serious relationship, less than a year). Could you find ways to fill your evenings when you aren't with her so you don't feel the absence quite as much? Alternatively, if she is someone who doesn't foresee anything changing in the future, doesn't want to live together eventually, get married again, etc. and you do, realistically you might have to accept you just have different needs and aren't that compatible.

I do respect it totally. I asked for advice on how to feel ok. Nothing more.

Best thing to do is get busy. Fill your time doing stuff you love. And then you won’t miss her so much.

I am very happy with 2 or 3 nights a week. Though I would prefer more of it to be alone time, thanks always in company. I just felt hurt when she said that she needs more time alone. So not even 2 or 3 times this week. I know she needs to be away from people sometimes though.

My children are primary school age and are with their dad half of the time. She doesn't have children. She has a housemate so she is just with her in the evenings. She works alone. I think she just needs a lot of alone time.

No one can tell you how to feel ok with it you have to get to that part yourself. Perhaps a bit of self awareness study will help you with that. I think in the first heady months of a new relationship it is very easy to get carried away and want to spend every moment together but in reality that’s not possible when you have children and also I presume jobs and friends/family that were there before this current relationship.
Your partner is putting down some healthy boundaries and I’d advise you to do the same. Continue to do what you did before and view this relationship as an enhancement to what you already have.

Maybe it is that both of us used to say that we wished we could have more time together and now she doesn't want to see me this week. I guess I am worried that she is less interested than me. I do worry that as a woman with no kids who has only dated women also without children, that she finds it a bit much with me having children. I introduced noise into her quiet controlled life

Experience tells me if the problem is that you have children she’d have run for the hills months ago! 😯
She wants a quiet week end of. Don’t over think it, spend time planning what you will do when you next see her. Enjoy your time within this new relationship and spend less time worrying about “what ifs” it won’t change anything and only serves to make you feel crap!
Keep communicating and try not to resent her wanting her own time. In the long run she will have much respect for you and your support of her needs.

I know exactly how she feels.
I've been sort of seeing someone new for around 4 months.
And I am more than happy with once a week - thanks very much!
Sometimes twice but certainly no more than that.
I just don't want a full on relationship.
I'm happy to go out once a week - have a good time - have a bit of hanky panky and then he trot on for another week.
I like my own house and my own company.
I've had enough of faithless, useless, messy men.
It works for both of us.
I hope you can find a compromise.
And as a woman with 1 grown up DD I would not want to date anyone with younger DC.
Done my bit and wouldn't want to do it again.