How do you deal with this

[fedup77]

I have finally cottoned on to how my partner plays his games. I just don’t know how to deal with it. He makes out he’s the victim, he’s very good with his words and will fight tooth and nail to make sure that my own flaws are brought into the conversation so it’s not just him we’re talking about. Every time I bring an issue up he does one of two things: either he’s calm and says he understands but then makes no effort to change, or he gets defensive. I have to bring an issue up more than once but the problem then is that I’m “nagging” him. He’s quite self centred too and it just feels like he hasn’t changed at all since we got together 15 years ago. He bangs on about how he works hard and that’s all he has as a defence.

I’ve been a doormat all these years and I’m finally saying something back and he puts me down by discounting all the housework I do and minimising my employment - I work two unskilled jobs.

I’m tired of it, I don’t think he’ll change even though I wish he did. I know some responses will tell me to LTB but I would really like to hear stories of people who have been in similar situations and it has been turned around. Just want to know if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course there is light at the end of the tunnel.
When you get away from this abusive arse who likes to knock you and your self-esteem.
The only way this will improve is if he realises HE has a problem.
Which he won't.
So you'll keep flogging that dead horse.
Do you have DC?

We have 2 DC, 3 and 1. I think this has started to become worse since having DC. Before it was just us and now we have dependents to look after so sacrifices need to be made and while I’m happy to sacrifice I don’t think he has realised still that there’s certain situations where kids come first. It just hurts.

You might try getting a copy of "Why does he do that?" and reading it in secret. Highlight the parts that relate to him (not all of it will, just some of it). Make notes in the book about when he does what. That could help you understand his behavior a bit more, not be as triggered by it, and sort through what you want to do.

Also, be VERY careful with birth control (consider an IUD or a tubal ligation). Having more children with him will continue to erode your power in the relationship. I think that part of the light at the end of the tunnel is your children getting a little bit older and easier to care for.

Good luck.

He sounds very like my stbxh. Any issues I raised would lead to him saying 'but you haven't done this and you said you would' or completely turning it around me. If I raised it more than once then I was a nag and I got the silent treatment. I finally gave in 10 weeks ago and I've never been happier. I don't say it often but I suggest you LTB. I promise life will be happier without him.

Are you talking about my DP?! I have similar issues and it makes me so unhappy. He just doesn’t see it.

@SagAloo  it’s really demotivating

@CoyoteCafe thanks for the book recommendation. Genuinely sometimes it feels like I’m guiding a child through life as an adult. I’ll see if I can purchase it without it coming up on our search history at home

You can take the horse to water, you can't make it drink. You can an try and make this work but it won't unless two things happen:
Your husband recognises how his behaviour and treatment towards you is wrong
And secondly, once he has acknowledged the above he works to change the emotional abuse he is dishing out.
It doesn't sound like either of those things are about to happen anytime soon, in which case the only light at the end of tunnel must be provided by you.
Save your sanity and get out of this destructive relationship.
Or continue how you have for the last 15 years and enable him to destroy you but by bit.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth.

Yeah I would hope for those things to happen. I sometimes think if it is worth it because it’s intermittent, like we have rough patches and if they’re really bad then they’re REALLY bad, I lose my shit with him and that’s the only time he listens because gentle reminders and nudges don’t work and ffs he’s not a child for me to remind him

He doesn't listen ofherewise he would change.
Listening is acknowledging and then adapting his behaviour.
The really good ups and really bad downs you refer to are common in relationships like this. It's a cycle.
Look up the signs of an abusive relationship hun and answer the questions honestly.
I may be wrong but I think you will identify with a lot of them
Part of the solution to this problem may be you admitting to yourself exactly how bad this has got.