I've reached a limit on in-laws

[idpreferanegroni]

In-laws can be challenging, we all know that. But my dh will not engage with it. Most of their anger/issues come my direction, not his, and have done for many years. I've reached a point. They don't tend to visit, it's us travelling to them. They don't seem interested in my ds with one exception. One in-law has been going through a really hard time for a number of years due to a life situation kid related, I have enormous empathy, but she has become pretty bitchy towards me, asking me judgemental personal questions that I wouldn't take from anyone else in my life, but I find it hard to stand up for myself as what they are dealing with is massive. It's become clear she doesn't like me and dh will not engage with this. He never stands up for me.

He keeps saying do you want me to stop seeing my family? And the answer is no. But I do need a conversation with some home truths said and he won't engage. A converstaion about what is actually going on, that year after year we're trailing round, putting effort in and getting a lot of rubbish in return. If we don't visit various in-laws then they don't tend to visit us so my dh keeps wanting to visit rather than address the inbalance or the fact that they're not interested. I find the situations toxic, I can often feel real terror before hand.

I've reached a limit. Anyone else relate to this? Experienced something similar? I don't know how much longer I can sit in rooms with people who don't seem to like me.

Can't he go on his own?

What's stopping him visiting without you? I would say to your DH, until he's willing to discuss this properly, face up to what's going on, support and stand up for you, you will not be visiting them. He can go alone and if he isn't honest with them about your reasons for staying behind, you will be.

you cant continue like this. you have to stop going. but don't argue about it, cut it short.

I've stopped going. Well, I go if DH asks very nicely, once in a while, but most of the time he takes a selection of children and goes by himself. None of his siblings cater for them - but are happy to meet him at the pub for a meal - if he's paying. No one offers accomodation, so it's just a day trip. The DC's enthusiasm is dwindling. There's no nastiness, just complete disinterest.

As you aren't surgically attached to dh send him on his way. Book yourself into somewhere nice for a lovely break while he is away!! He has no right to insist you take their crap any more.

Thanks for that! - Going on own - We have tried this. But the thing is this isn't sustainable. As in still nothing gets said, no I mean all that gets said is that I don't want to be a part of the family, this was said when I'd travelled hours with a screaming newborn in backseat and still pretty messed up from labour. And this is the family that doesn't visit us.

I believe that like most families there has been alot going on from childhood. Problem is it's somehow thrown my way. My dh is really avoidant and not very present with his family, he wants to be sat there having the family experience but without any actual engagement. And now our ds is getting older and saying stuff like he doesn't want to go, it's harder to ignore. As in my feelings were ignored mostly by myself for years. Dh is saying I'm turning ds this way. But I think it's more likely him getting ignored for hours or not fussed over the way some kids are in families when in their company which is prompting him to state feelings.

Veganian - whats that dwindling enthusiasm like? What's it like for your dc? And you? That just pretending doesn't seem to work long-term.

That's kindof likely to happen here too.
It's sad.

See i am in similar situ only with my own parentals and dp. I haven't spoke to them since Feb when I fucked her off and told her never to contact me again.
All started after I found out I was pg with ds1. She took issue with me moving 70odd miles away to live with dp. Turned whole thing into a competition over who would get to see him more (it isn't. Just is in her warped head)
She then made remarks about him and his family's religious beliefs (they are Catholic, mine aren't religious at all. Something I've never been able to understand as her best friend of 30 odd years is catholic) and also won't tolerate.
She kicked up a fuss over ds1 name, a name I picked myself. (Irish name)
Kicked up merry hell over him being christened. They refused to go, that suited me tbh cos meant I wouldn't spend the day stressing. Only dbro told them to get a grip and go. They then did. And she ruined it. Really shitty behaviour all day, finishing it off leaving me in tears going home.
The odd other shitty thing since that then final straw was in Feb when text to ask what we doing one particular day. Her replies were snarky and clearly picking for a fight. I then happened to mention that he was going to the local Irish school for couple hours a week then she started getting pissy about that. I replied along the lines of think hard before you reply with any more bigotry etc. After heated back and forth row I told her not to contact me again.

My dp is now on at me to take ds to see them cos he keeps asking about them. Why don't we go there anymore, he misses them etc. He doesn't think it's fair that he lose out .
I think otherwise. I do not want to see her and I'm not prepared to back down this time like I always end up doing. She can't be an adult and be civil and respectful so I've no time for her shit.
She's fallen out with basically all but 1 of her own siblings. Over stupid things. She could start a row in an empty house.
And I really don't want to go to see them at Christmas and play happy families and pretend everything is fine. It's fucking not.

Oh god I didn't mean to write all that!!

Sorry for hijacking!!

You have a DH problem. The in laws will not change. Your DH is still living in the "FOG" (Fear, obligation, guilt). He won't support you so I think you have to be draconian - don't go and ask your DH what he thinks your DS gets out of the visits? and is he surprised that he no longer wants to go.

do you want me to stop seeing my family?
Nope - but I'm not going with you anymore.
Job done!

But the thing is this isn't sustainable.
Why not?
Why do you give a shiny shite what they say?
Just stop going.
They can judge and talk about you all they want.
But it won't affect you because you won't know anything about it.
Because you will tell DH that you don't want to hear it.
Honestly - stop being such a people pleaser.
You get fuck all back so stop putting yourself in the situation.

Do you think that bringing it all out in the open with some home-truths will actually change anything for the better? I very much doubt it. All you will achieve is a major breach, with everyone ganging up on you, and your dh will be miserable.

Then, in the future, there will be endless angst about death beds and funerals.

Do as others have suggested. A gradual withdrawal for you. Let your dh deal with dcs who don't want to visit. As time goes on, there will be more occasions when they will be busy with their own social lives. You will have to take them to parties, activities etc. Yes, you will be unpopular, but no change there. No skin off your nose, because you won't be there to hear the comments.

This is a fight you won't win. Nothing wrong with pretence if it saves face and gets you out of a demoralising situation without causing a major problem for your dh.

You’re making the situation far more than it needs to be.

I don’t get any of the stuff with the in law with the life problem.

But, regardless, you don’t have to go and their opinion of you isn’t important - especially if you don’t see them. So, job done.

My ils are long dead, but I cut contact after years of MIL's vile behaviour towards me and when all else had failed.FIL was ok, but an enabler. DH used to take DC over on his own and I'd see them maybe twice a year - briefly at Christmas and Easter. I think MIL regretted it and realised she'd gone too far but never said anything directly, to my knowledge. It worked for us - just go for it OP.

Not sure of the problem here.