Has anyone been to court about a contact order for ex?

[QueenB]

My husband has just issued me with a court date and a mediation meeting to arrnage more regular contact with our DD. He has seen her every Saturday since he left to be with his new love interest, and DD was 6 months. She is now 13 months and I think he wants to come to the house and put her to bed in the week. This is just totally a no-go area for me. He's been mentally abusive and physically overpowering and it's taken me 8 months to get myself back together again. Does anyone know what my rights are and what I should do? I'm worried that I am going to be bullied into doing soemthing I don't want to do. Do I have to agree to a court order?

and FF we esp know your xp is a particular useless bad arse...

I don't know fairyfly. I wish I had a solution. That's awful for you, but more importantly it's terrible for your child. My dh's ex tells everyone including the children that he doesn't care about his children, that he never gives them anything, that he never does anything for them, that he never has them for visits, etc. etc. and the reality is that he does all of the above. The unfortunate thing is that she has more credibility and rights in the courts than he does, simply by virtue of being the mother. And I have to watch more poor dh practically in tears when his daughter is on the phone crying, saying why don't you ever call me and I know that he's left a message every night for the last week on the ex's mobile (no landline and she gave away the mobile he bought for his daughter) and she hasn't told the children that he's been calling.

I thankyou piffleofgas, you have made my day
Good Luck anyhow QueenB, look after yourself it all gets so draining for everyone

What irritates me about the discussions around sanctions on mothers who deny contact to their children's fathers, is that there is no balancing discussion about whether there should be sanctions on fathers who don't bother to have contact with their children.

Obviously, the law has failed your DH, SofiaAmes, but I believe that the situation you and he are in is far less common than the situation I am in. My XP just simply doesn't bother to have any contact with his children. I have made it abundantly clear to him that I approve of and support contact, but he simply doesn't bother. Oh, and he has to be chased by agents of the state to pay a pittance towards their upkeep. I would like a public discussion about those sorts of fathers, whom I believe are far more prevalent than the desperately battling heroes I'm sick of reading about in the media. And I have known so many women who bend over backwards to allow their XP's contact, because they believe it is in their children's interests; I've seen them being verbally abused, sometimes physically threatened, treated with total contempt, and yet they continue to allow access because they put the needs of their children before their own pride. We hear nothing about those sorts of mothers in the media.

And the only mother I know who did refuse her ex contact, was because she was sick to death of seeing her children's wounded faces every time their father let them down. Saturday after Saturday, he would prioritise a football match, a shag with his new girlfriend, a hangover, or even, FFS a TV programme, over contact with his children, and there's only so much self-esteem battering that a mother can stand by and watch her children take. He took her to court for contact, saying how much he loved his kids, and then proceeded to systematically destroy their sense of self-worth by consistently letting them know that they were the least important people in his life. Do you honestly believe that fathers should be allowed to do that to their children and that mothers should be prevented from protecting their children from being treated in this way?

Well said Meanbean. So true.

OK, but where's QueenB?

MeanBean. You are right. In both cases, there should be sanctions. A father who ignores his children is as bad as a mother who withholds access. I think the problem is that in my experience, the institutions that are out there are very unsupportive of the importance of the father in the lives of the children. This has the double edged effect of letting mothers think that it's ok to deny access and letting fathers think that it's ok to not have contact.

As a society we need to rethink how we portray parenting and the family. Maybe it's the people I've met, but I find that it's considered completely socially acceptable here for a father to not have contact with his children (whether through his choice or that of the mother). The people I socialized with in the usa would not have found this acceptable and would have viewed such a father with suspicion. I don't know if this is a us/uk thing, or just the difference in the type of people I am meeting.
Going back to the green paper. I guess I was hoping that it would be a start at trying to reshape current perceptions. It was really just a bit wet.

I don't think is a USA/UK thing, it's probably that you have not had the luck (should I call it really that?) of knowing other persons with simmilar problems to the ones explained here, I have a friend who spend a good time in a clandestine women refuge in the USA because her ex husband had not only beating her often but she and her counselors were afraid that he may kill her, I think the last thing in the mind of many of the mothers in these refuges is thinking about granting visitation rights! and yes it DO happen in the US as in every single country of the world.

QueenB - I think it is usual for court orders on contact to be really specific about handover arrangements and places, and for people to hand over kids at places like McDonalds, rather than their home. It is phenomenally unlikely a court would order that DH can come and see her every evening late at night, or even that DH has any access to your home if you don't want.

Sofia Ames - firstly I sympathise with your problems with DH's ex. But would also make the point that an abusive husband/partner tends to gradually destroy a woman's self-confidence so that they believe that they are in the wrong, are unreasonable and would never find somebody else, and at the same time does their best to alienate them from their friends/family who could give them another world view, so it is easier than you would think to get locked into a destructive relationship. Also pg is often a flashpoint where men first become violent towards partners - so a woman can discover too late that a partner has violent tendencies.