I took my wedding ring off today

[NellyNouNou]

We have been separated for a while. Today we agreed to head for divorce. He has been on best behaviour up until now. And now the nastiness has begun...

Will I ever be free of that pit of the stomach feeling when anticipating the backlash? It stresses me to the point where I take it out on others around me. Then I feel even more like shit.

We have DC together so there will always be some interaction. I wish he didn't still have control over my feelings. I want to be blase about it but I still feel crushed by his harsh words, swearing, spitefulness etc

Why can't I be stronger.

Because you have feelings and a heart, not a swinging brick...

Maybe he still had hopes to rekindle, but is lashing out in anger now that things are moving to something more final?

I have my final hearing on the 30th. It’s been three and a half years since he walked. He hasn’t answered a single court letter, turned up for a hearing or paid anything towards legal bills. I am preparing myself to lose half my pension on someone that hasn’t paid a penny in child maintenance yet bullies me about contact.

When I heard people complain bitterly about divorce I had no idea. The pain is physical, palpable...

I’m so sorry you are starting this journey. I can’t lie...it is tough for many. But he’s showing his true colours now so you must stand up, grit your teeth and get through it.

If you have a good support system, now is the time to call on it. My friends and family have stood side by side with me every step of the way. Picking me up, giving me wine and support and a reason to get up in the mornings.

Be kind to yourself and focus on the positive things you want from the end to this, treat yourself when you can, plan some nice things to do.

Chin up! You can do this!

Thank you so much for your kind kind words mick yes he thought he wanted us back together but he didn't really.

Even if he did or didn’t if he’s a particular personality type be prepared for it to be all you fault.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Yes, while he does accept some blame he puts half of it on me. Having done the freedom programme I know he was outright abusive to me and I just couldn't take any more or subject my DC to it any more.
Since being separated, I have been waiting for him to turn against me and it is starting now. I'm still afraid of him and that annoys me as I still feel vulnerable. I want to shed the past not keep reliving it in my present.

Can you be in contact via a 3rd party?
Family member etc...?
You do not have to put up with being shouted and and sworn at.
Do handovers somewhere very public or again, have someone with you.
Is he harassing you?
If so then report it to the police.
Keep texts etc... as evidence.

hellsbells thank you for your suggestions. It isn't bad enough to take those steps yet. The more I can keep things on an even keel the better I think. If I ramp up the conflict then he will too and the hostility will be awful for me. I intend to rise above it for now. Challenge the verbal abuse but just be businesslike and polite. Hopefully that will work.
I don't want him saying bad things to me or about me in front of DC. This is my best strategy for protecting them. For now anyway.

I want an amicable divorce. Whether I get that is another thing.

I'm also a bit sad that it is now the end of us. invested so much in our marriage but it mostly wasn't happy. I think I'm grieving a little for what could/should have been my partnership for life, rather than for what it was. If that makes sense. Hence my thread title. Even though he was no good for me I feel a bit down.

Yes it’s definitely a grieving process as well as a legal one.

I blocked my STBEXH when I didn’t need to have contact, not to be drawn into any drama and conflict. Grey rock is a useful tactic.

It is grieving and sadness is inevitable but it does get better.At first I was in shock and then grief hit, I went through stages of denial and bargining with myself, i.e was it really that bad? Ex helped me with that as his post separation behaviour was just nasty and clear sign he wouldn't be amicable. I believe ex is personality disordered which distance has helped me to see.

I am a year down the line and feel more at peace, I rarely cry.
His nasty solicitors letters stopped once my solicitor warned his that they violated the family law code of practice.
Make sure you get yourself a good solicitor, one with lots of experience.Someone who can be firm and knows about abusive people.

You will get through it, the pain now is the start of healing, necessary but wont lsst forever.I found YouTube helpful for lots of positive practices.

Thank you. Can you point me to the YouTube videos that helped you or tell me the best search terms?

Mickhucknal....
Ask your solicitor to calculate the amount your exH would be expected to pay in maintenance during the minority and university years of your dependant children. If you are sure he is not going to make future payments, and history suggests he won't, make very sure that that amount is considered due to you when pension division is considered. He should get a lot less than 50% of your pension if he is failing in his maintenance payments. Also make sure that the additional legal costs incurred by his non-cooperation in the divorce process are taken into consideration. It sounds as if you are unrepresented. You need GOOD legal representation in your ancillary relief proceedings.

Thanks @persephone2013 but I’m not living in the UK so it’s a slightly different set up.

Pension is a completely separate issue to child maintenance and I need to set up a debt for that against him.

Try EFT youtube videos when you get heightened feelings Nelly. I found them very effective.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes, If you were in England and Wales, and your Husband was refusing to participate in the Ancillary Relief (financial issues) you could ask the District Judge to order that Unless he files his papers (here it is his Form E) within say 28 days, the Judge will make a final order barring the Husband from making any or any further financial application. The Husband's potential claims against the Wife's assets ( ie her Pension) are then barred. Does something similar exist where you are?

We are trying @persephone2013 - something similar. But it's a very black and white divorce procedure here (Switzerland) no emotion just children, visitation, maintenance and assets. There's a no blame culture.

Judge nearly keeled over when I said I still let my son visit every other weekend even though he refuses to talk about maintenance. He said I have the patience of a saint. I'm hoping as it's the same judge and doubtless my ex will turn up that he will take my lawyers request into consideration.

But I've had friends that didn't even want their spouses pension and were told that by law it must be split and if you don't want it you transfer the value after the divorce.

Sorry ex will not turn up.