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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife wants divorce

17 replies

bridezilla14 · 21/11/2017 16:59

I’m looking for some advice from anyone who has time or experience dealing with divorce. I work abroad and have done for ten years, 5 years ago I met my wife while she worked abroad to, 18 months ago she left her job to come back and work in England while I continued to work on. I earn fantastic money to keep us in a good home. She doesn’t contribute,but that was the plan, however she does overspend a bit. The dilemma is now, the in the past 5 weeks I worked away Communication broke down completely, we survived by texts and phone calls that completely stopped. She said she was to busy, even though I know it’s not true. She pushed me for promotion after promotion and now I have the job she wanted me to have. She wants me to quit and come home and take a 50% pay cut. Now when I say come home, she flips back and forth between us working on our marriage to telling me if I give up my job and come back to England there is a chance it still won’t work. I’m at my wits end with worry and that horrible feeling in my gut.

OP posts:
bridezilla14 · 21/11/2017 17:00

I’m looking for some advice from anyone who has time or experience dealing with divorce. I work abroad and have done for ten years, 5 years ago I met my wife while she worked abroad to, 18 months ago she left her job to come back and work in England while I continued to work on. I earn fantastic money to keep us in a good home. She doesn’t contribute,but that was the plan, however she does overspend a bit. The dilemma is now, the in the past 5 weeks I worked away Communication broke down completely, we survived by texts and phone calls that completely stopped. She said she was to busy, even though I know it’s not true. She pushed me for promotion after promotion and now I have the job she wanted me to have. She wants me to quit and come home and take a 50% pay cut. Now when I say come home, she flips back and forth between us working on our marriage to telling me if I give up my job and come back to England there is a chance it still won’t work. I’m at my wits end with worry and that horrible feeling in my gut.

OP posts:
IJoinedJustToPostThis · 21/11/2017 17:02

Sounds like if you don't go and spend some time with her, it definitely won't work.

From what you say, your wife wants to work on your marriage.

Do you?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/11/2017 17:25

I don't think she does.
I don't think she knows what she wants.
Why did she come back?
Do you like your job?
Do you want to stay where you are?
This isn't all about her and your marriage.
This is YOUR life too.
Do you have DC?
I reckon she's come back and now she's panicking about the money situation she will be in if you divorce her.
She can't have it all ways.
YOU decide what YOU want out of life.
Then take it from there.
I also think she might have had her head turned!

bridezilla14 · 21/11/2017 17:35

I’m really lost, every moment the mood changes. I don’t want to talk finances but I’ll deop 50k down to 25k. We have a lovely home which I don’t think we will be able to afford, she doesn’t contribute so that makes it even more hard to get by. I think she’s pushing for the divorce but honestly can deal with all the mind games

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 21/11/2017 17:48

Call her out and agree to divorce. She may think twice then and if not then divorce would happen anyway

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 21/11/2017 17:50

OP - what do you want?

lesleyhal · 21/11/2017 17:51

It can't all be about money. Happiness is surely more important than a swanky house?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/11/2017 17:54

£50K isn't that much.
As I asked and as others have asked.
What do YOU want?
Do you want to stay in your job and stay in that country?

Smidge001 · 21/11/2017 18:00

What do you mean £50k isn't that much - He's on £75k currently and would drop to £25k if he moved. That's a massive drop in relative terms, surely?

bridezilla14 · 21/11/2017 18:05

I want my wife, but she’s not happy. It’s like she’s not happy with me now

OP posts:
ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 21/11/2017 18:40

It is very lonely being the one at home not working, not seeing your other half for weeks or even months. When you go out you can be a magnet for single/divorced men. I suspect she has had her head turned by someone. The excitement of the new relationship and the boost to her ego have given her pause to think and wonder if the grass might be greener.

I might be completely wrong and hope I am....

Changedname3456 · 21/11/2017 20:07

She’s not interested. She’s offering up the move back to the UK so she can deflect blame from herself for the marriage ending. If you stay, she’s got an easy get out of jail card. If you go back to the UK she’ll just say “well I told you it might not work out.”

Do what works best for you, not her. She’s given up the right to dictate what you do. If you’ve not got kids and you enjoy the job and the country then stay there. Sell the house, get the divorce started.

ChickenlessHead · 21/11/2017 20:10

Do you have dc’s? If not, what does she do? If you came home could she get a job to make up for lost wages?

annielouise · 21/11/2017 20:14

I think if you decide to go home it's on the premise that she finds a job also earning about £25k so that the loss of your earnings aren't so badly felt. There is no reason in this day and age for her to be a kept women - you don't have kids yet or elderly or disabled parents to look after. For her sake as well as yours if you come home you both go out to work and then decide what to do if you start a family.

I'm sure if it doesn't work out you could go back out to wherever you are and get another job (I'm thinking if it's the Middle East). At least that way you can go without this weight of worry over you. If there is nothing keeping her here like work she should be out there with you. I'm sure she could find some kind of job.

Cricrichan · 21/11/2017 20:19

Why did she move back to the UK without you?

GinwithCucumber · 21/11/2017 20:23

I wouldnt give up a good job for somebody who has checked out

Teabay · 21/11/2017 21:33

Hi OP and hellsbells

I agree that to put yourself first and be happy, a massive pay drop is waaaay worth it.
There are millions of posters on here who left their marital home with their possessions in a binbag and have never looked back.
Last year I left my husband, his income and the family home. As a single parent I resigned from my job (salary £65 k) and took a part-time job (salary £22 k). I can't tell you, that we are SKINT, but we are also FREEEEEEE!
Money isn't everything. You will manage - people do.

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