LIving in hell

[damppatchnot]

My husband and I seperated in 2014. He’s an alcoholic who’s aggressive and a gambler. He would not leave until I agreed not to pursue him for maintenance amd then 12 months later my business went bust and I couldn’t pay the mortgage so I lost the house. I tried to rent one but the credit score is low due to his debts. I got financial advice and was told I was entitled to tax credits whilst self employed (they said I wasn’t) and now have a 20k claim with the adjudicater in its final stages.

I’ve been hanging on for the money to get a home but since jan 16 we have been living at ex’s flat which I furnished when he left our home.
It’s been difficult.i was ill with depression and severe Bell’s palsy all 2916. He lost his job in July drinking at work and became violent so we fled to my sisters. He promised to change and as over crowded at sisters we came back.

He’s got another job but less money and days (he used to work nights) so I had to give up job as no childcare and now waiting to start a term time role.

He’s getting worse by the day.He was drinking on Sunday (told the kids the beer was for a gift for someone at work) but kept going in bedroom to drink. By the time dinner ready he was v drunk and shouting. My daughter said meat too pink and he started screaming at her. My son started crying and I had said nothing till now and said stop your drinking and out of control
What followed was a rant about he could drink if he wanted and started calling me abusive names
I ushered children out both upset and i pushed a bowl towards him
Unknown to me it had hot gravy in

Nothing said since but he’s loosing temper at drop of hat and speaking to me like I’m nothing

He doesn’t recognise his own behaviour and said I’m aggressive for pushing the bowl.

I’ve been throwing up since and my hair is falling out

I don’t know what to do. I called police a few weeks ago and they advised me to go to housing

But the thought of taking my children in a refuge is making me upset.

I have no furniture as my home was all fitted and I couldn’t get the beds in storage just personal stuff.

I’ve never claimed benefits so don’t know what can be done. My children are 10 and 14

Please don’t flame me. I know I need to go. But my parents are dead and my sisters daughter having a baby so no room.

Read this back and put someone else in your place. Could you be any more unhappy, stressed or miserable living elsewhere? I think the answers no. You need to get out while you're still sane and to protect dcs. They shouldn't be exposed to this level of madness. Re benefits, they are there for a reason. Claim them. Pride gets you absolutely nowhere!

Also if you're still living there and you do get a lump sum do you really think he will let you keep it all? Leave asap, rent somewhere furnished - or even a temporary hostel - and be very kind to yourself till you get back on your feet. Your confidence is very low but no one should put up with this shit.

Oh love this sounds untenable. Call women’s aid. They can advise or point you to someone who can give benefits advice. They can also talk to you about refuge.
There was a really great thread on here by a woman who’d been in refuge. Was nothing like she’d feared. Lots of built-in support (benefits, emotional, etc).
There is a way out of this

Def go to woman's aid this is a very destructive situation to have your children in...put your children first before your pride....do it asap

Womens Aid can help you.
A refuge would be better than this.
Let them guide through next steps to a safe exit.
This is awful for you and your DC.
Get them and get yourself away - to anywhere!!!!

Children can often be resilient regardless of what the adults in their lives choose to do. But this goes beyond that. This is emotionally damaging.

You do have a choice.

Try to keep asking yourself what is the wisest and best situation for your dcs, and for you. And act upon it

Your right

I’m going in the morning
I feel guilty for my dc being in this situation

Thank you

Refuges are not bad places, I’ve been in two and appreciated the support so much that I now volunteer at one. You and your children will get all the practical and emotional support you need, you will also get help to find suitable housing for the future. If you really can’t face a refuge you would be entitled to emergency help from the council. You would be currently considered homeless due to dv, it cannot be considered reasonable for you to continue living where you are. I can assure you, the council are legally obliged to offer emergency accomodation and will probably owe you a full housing duty.!

You can do this OP. Your life can and will get better. Be brave and strong for your children. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to take charge. All of you deserve so much more.

You can do this, for them and you.
Imagine the community feeling you will all have in a refuge or similar at Christmas. There will be other women and children there, none of whom would choose it, but ALL of whom will have companionship with each other, no fear from ex partners AND their children with them at Christmas.
If you continue to choose the current damaging situation for them, SC may decide for you.
You will be fine, we all trust in you.
Good luck.