I wanted to stamp my feet at my dad tonight and yell "it's not FAIR".

[SpoiltBaby]

I've had to change my name for this one as im so embarrassed!

I love my dad to pieces. He has been divorced from my mum for over 20 years now (when i was very young), has another two kids (sort of, one isn't biologically his). Pretty much from when he married my stepmum he had no interest in me whatsoever, and has never had any interest in my kids (his first grandchildren). He has never been horrible to me, raised his voice to me or anything like that but his total lack of interest has been constant. He has never been there for me and doesn't know half of what goes on in my life. I can't drive and he lives in the sticks so knows i cant go to see him..its only a 20 minute drive for him to see me. But i may see him twice a year if i'm lucky. He never phones me and at times cant remember how old i am. There are no photographs of me in his house, there never have been. Its always been like he wanted to forget his first family.

So anyway, he phones me out of the blue and comes down to see me. No explanation as to why he missed both of my kids birthdays. So then i told him i was getting married this year, for shock effect mostly and he says he's pleased im trying to ahem.."better myself". (Bit of a black sheep me compared to the other two, i'm the single mum one living in a not so nice area and looking after myself). Patronising.

Then when i told him the date we were thinking of (nothing booked yet though and bugger all money to do it although i didnt go into that), he tells me thats just a couple of weeks before my "sister" gets married, how many limos she's having, posh hotel wedding, absolute fortune etc. Of course, HE'S not paying for any of it. My arse he isn't.

I KNOW i'm thinking like a spoilt child. I don't do jealousy. Im not competitive. I'm not a daddy's girl! i'm usually very much independant.

What i'm feeling now is alien to me and im sure if i can work out why i feel like this, i wont be so upset. Right now i feel like a spoilt little girl wanting daddy's attention

{{{{{ hugs }}}}}

Don't know what to say to that.

I felt left out from my brother and sister, my nan helped with their cost for the wedding but me and my other brother had to do it all ourselves (we are the younger two)
for you

I really sympathise. I didn't speak to my dad for almost 10 years after he left my mum. It used to absolutely kill me when my sister used to see him and he would buy gifts for her and her DD. I never told anyone how much it hurt though.

I'm back in contact now but it's not like a father/daughter relationship.

The thing is, i never expected for my parents to pay for anything anyway. I wouldn't dream of asking them for money towards it. That's probably why i dont understand why i feel like this. Pipped at the post second best, i shouldn't even care. I honestly don't know why i am so bothered!

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I'm not surprised you're pissed off with him.
I would be devastated.
Can't think of anything worse than knowing you are not uppermost in your parents thoughts.

sb my dad has also remarried after mom died - and we haven't heard hide nor hair of him for nearly 4years now. the last time i was in contact with him he said that he didn't want to meet my dd either (also his first gc) so i can understand that part of it.

i always thought that when i got married that he would be there ( i now know that he won't but hey) so maybe part of that dream is gone for you?

I know what you mean boco. My mum had to fight for £6 a week maintenance from him. I love spending time with him although he's a crap dad, we have a great laugh..i always feel very sad when he's gone because i know i wont see him again for a long time.

It makes it so much worse because he's so affectionate and tells me how much he loves me...then he's gone for another 6 months!

That does make it feel worse - my dad is also lovely when i see him. I saw him at xmas and he said that he wanted to start seeing me and dds more often, maybe once a month, then i didn't hear anything from him at all for 4 months - not even a phonecall - and when i tried calling him he didn't call back. I ended up sending him pictures from the dds.

When i do see him he's very affectionate and funny and is so lovely with my dds that i feel really sad. I don't get the satisfaction of just hating him for being a selfish wanker and then forgetting about him - i really want him to be how he could have been but wasn't, if that makes sense.

Maybe i should have changed my name too?

boco.

He comes here like nothing has happened, gives me a kiss, tells me how much he loves me and wants the very best for me and he'll see me soon..we'll go out for a meal and a chat..he misses me.

Then he f*s off again and never sticks to any of his promises.

Oh god thats MY Dad!

God,I'd tell them both to fuck off.

I used to want to tell him to fuck off. Since having children i'd settle for a lot less than i used to.

well i did say "bollocks" to him tonight moondog..does that count? .

That was when he told me he had posted dd's card 3 days before her birthday. He has a short memory, the day after her birthday i texted him and he said "i haven't forgotten, i've got her card and present here, i'll drop them down next week".

That was in January.

Honestly,why bother?
Your love should be earned and these men sure as hell haven't earned it.
Tell them how you feel them slam the door in their selfdish faces.
BY ENTERTAINING THEM YOU ARE ALLOWING THEM TO MENTALLlly justify their appalling abandonment of their own flesh and blood.

Fuckers.

It is impossibly hard to train yourself to have those feelings towards a Crap Dad (I have one too) that you know you should based on his treatment of you. Mine is similar - I virtually never see him, he remembers my birthday one year in five and then phones and says "how old are you?". He favours my half-sister something terrible, we don't get much of a look-in.

Thank god we have a fantastic step-father, who is literally the best person I have ever known. And even so, my dad's crapability upsets me in a way nothing else ever has. When someone messes around with one of these very primaeval relationships it hits us at such a deep level.

I'll never forget one incident. My bro had just adopted his lovely dd, after many, many heartbreaking years of ttc. She was 18 months old and we all adored her. Dad was coming to the UK (he lives in Europe) and I said "oh great, you'll be going to meet dniece". "Oh no" he says "haven't got time on this trip". WTF?! He's not coming from Nepal.

Having said that, my FIL is even worse; I've met him once, when heavily pregnant and he only lived 5 miles away from us until recently. When I did meet him, he never so much as mentioned the baby even though I looked like a whale (maybe he thought that was just how I looked). He's never met ds We deserve to have parents who give a monkey's about us. What's really hard is learning that the fact that we don't, doesn't mean we are the ones to blame.

SB-your post could have been written by me....so very similar.
I am 39 now and still feel like a complete brat when the jealousy strikes because it is so blatant.
No words of advice but I have taken to seeing a counsellor [wet emoticon] becasue it is affecting me so badly.

Good luck with it all.

Jealousy is irrational surely?
These are perfectly rational emotions.

I agree with moondog. Stop calling yourselves spoilt and wet and all these other horrible names! You wouldn't be this harsh on a friend or someone you cared about, if they were having these devastating feelings. You are ENTITLED to these feelings, they are completely logical.

Your fathers are selfish infantile bastards who are not fit to clean your shoes, IMO. They don't deserve to be in your children's lives.

It's scary how you don't just 'grow out' of those feelings isnt' it.

TP its so true about how you can't just retrain yourself to not care. Telling a parent to fuck off and meaning it forever is so hard. Part of you is still a child and just wants it all to be fine.

I did once - recently - tell my dad how i felt, and wailed at him and cried and demanded explanations. He was shocked and sad, but nothing changed. Growing up means i still have those childish 'not fair!' feelings, but i have more confidence in myself and don't feel responsible anymore. I also understand alot more that he's just not capable of what i want him to be.

I wish it was that easy to switch my feelings off moondog. I got a bad bunch when it came to parents/step parents and he's probably the least hurtful!

I'm sure i'll be fine in the morning.

Bugger 'em, i'll go to gretna green and invite no-one !

It is scary boco. I felt like a 5 year old at the ice cream van being handed a mini-milk while younger sister gets a big ice-cream with flake, juice and sprinkles

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