Yet another sex question.

[confusedmum]

This is in some way related to the flirting thread, but is something I feel quite concerned about and would appreciate any advice, esp from the bloke's perspective (SH?).

I have not posted this under my usual Mumsnet chat name, possibly because it is something I feel quite embarrassed about. I know a lot of people use chat rooms (myself included, obviously)and I have recently discovered that my d.h. has been using the internet porn sites - not just the obvious naughty pictures/ stories etc. which I have no objection to, but to chat with real people over the net. I discovered that he was either answering or posting ads on one of the 'personals' sites and it was obvious that the conversation was purely sexual.

At first, I was very shocked, though maybe I am a bit naive. Our sex life is okay - it wouldn't make national headlines, but then we have a couple of kids , one still a baby, and have been together a long time, so its understandable that things taper off a bit. Do other mums feel that this is acceptable in a marriage? I'm almost certain d.h. has not met up with any of these contacts: maybe it was just a bit of fun after a bit too much to drink one night? Or maybe this is something which men see as acceptable these days. I have asked him in a roundabout way whether he has ever/would engage in this kind of 'cyber relationship' and he said no, so I don' feel I can really ask again, esp as the only way I know in the first place is because I read his e.mail, which I know was wrong and a bit like reading someone's diary.

What do you all think? At first. I was really hurt and felt betrayed, but now (this was quite a few months ago), I feel I may have overreacted, esp. as I don't think he has actually been physically unfaithful since we met over 10 yrs ago.

Any opinions? Where doos one draw the line between a bit of harmless flirty chat and infidelity?

Confusedmum

If you think this is a lot of flack you ought to see some of the arguements that I had when younger.

I wasn't always as open minded as I could have been and describing me as a terrible sexist would have been totally ok. I learned that I was wrong and changed, but some of the flack I got from feminist women makes this look like a mild slap on the wrist.

As for your DH, I hope he has the same restraint that I have managed if not more.

Winnie1

I know I have a great imagination (for which DW has been very happy about) but even so it is nice to have a visual stimuli to get things started. Maybe most men are not that imaginative and need it presented to them on a plate.

I also know that I would never be celibate if I had any say in it (having been that way for almost a decade before meeting DW) and I would like to think that there will never be a time when DW or I have to be celibate because of outside reasons.

I think I would have a problem with this. If it is not so wrong, then why is he doing it in secret? If there really was nothing wrong in going to these sites, he would be open and honest about it. It's the secrecy that would bother me. If he kept this secret, what else is he capable of keeping secret? A marriage or partnership is meant to be about honesty and openness, communication and compromise, from what I have read Confusedmum, your partner doesn't seem to demonstrate a lot of these.

Anyway, how would he feel if you were going onto male-pornographic sites and having cyber-sex with a bunch of guys whilst his back was turned? Have you asked him about this? I would talk to him and ask him to come clean. Why does he feel the need to do this, why in secret, how would he feel if it was you doing it?

Secrets are not good in any relationship.

I agree that having cyber sex whilst in a relationship isn't a Good Thing but, I'm nto sure couples must share EVERYTHING. Surely you must have some things that are just your secret?

you draw the line where you feel comfortable.

10 years is a long time - he must know where the line is and know he was crossing it , i would feel upset and somewhat degraded, mostly imporantly ded ded important is trust - above love i put trust - if you lose trust in a person the rest falls apart, i have done things that would warrent my hubby losing trust in me and he has too - and when we talk about it we always talk about trust - without it i dont think there is a point, so i frown and do funny things with mi eyebrows when i say i have stuff i wouldnt tell him , its not however stuf i hav e ever gone out of my way to do or to deceive him, not big stuff little stuff like a vaguely crossing my line chat room stuff.... where i can tell the perpetrator to p*ss off or to even wind them up and make them angry andmess wiv there heads ( which i like to do) isnt something i would tell him indoors cos it happens quite a lot and would just get him annoyed..... however if he comes up behing me when i am doing this and asks what i am doing - i dont lie - i say " am screwing with some jumped up spotty little 15 year old who is too intelligent for words and thinks he is adonis" he will say " do a good job love" see no deceipt! wadya think?

Custardo

I think you are one of those women my father always warned me about when I was a lot younger.

Poor spotty 15 y/o's probably never know what has hit them.

Tee Hee serves them right.

i meant screwing with their head and putting them in their place - was a late night posting and i just re read it - it sounds somewhat distgusting...... no no no i say, again no..no - i have a 12 yr old son ... my mind didnt even work that way!

Custardo

I realised you meant screwing with their heads.

Sorry if you took my response the wrong way.

LOL!!