Dating a widower & want to end this relationship.

[Blessed81]

LONG POST ALERT!!!

I have been dating a widower for four months now. The most amazing dates we had were when the kids were away for two weeks at grandma's in Spain. I can remember how happy and excited he was. When kids were younger, they had au pairs live with them to help out so dad could have some free time. So when we met, he was confident things were going to be the same again this year. Unfortunately, with the kids older and au pairs preferring to work with younger kids, the search for an au pair yielded a negative result. He started to realise that things weren't going to be easy but remained optimistic that we would find a solution. We talked about him getting a babysitter but in the process, I realised he didn't feel comfortable leaving kids with strangers (for example, ringing an agency and booking someone just like that). After looking, he got one (a student) but she wasn't sure of travelling in the night incase he was out late. In the end, that fell through. He began to get frustrated , stressed and sad. To be honest, feels like when things weren't working out as he had expected, instead of finding solutions, he just gave up and resorted to drinking. Not sleeping and drinking aren't two great combinations.

During half term, he tried organising sleepovers for the kids so we could have some quality time together, but the boy's friend was going away so that didn't work. Instead we had about two hours when the kids were out with friends. Then last week was late wife's birthday and next month will be three years since she passed away. He hasn't been in touch since last week Tuesday, in fact, communication started getting bad when he couldn't get help with the kids, he has no family around to help. The son doesn't mind him dating again but the girl said NO and wasn't happy. The kids said NO to an au pair and getting a babysitter. I told him we can just end things if it was too much of a hassle, but refused that suggestion. That I make him happy, but I feel like he doesn't want me anymore and I don't think I can go on with this relationship any longer. Without communication, it's hard for me to carry on, however much I understand what he's going through. Worst mistake was to fall for this guy too soon and it hurts to be left in the dark. So am thinking of messaging him and ending things.

Am I being unreasonable, please advise!!

Obviously at this time, with the anniversary of his wife’s death, birthday and Christmas, it’s a difficult time..

However, I do feel a little sorry for you being kept a secret. Had it been less than a year, fair enough. I think the general mn rule is that you introduce new partners to children after six months, and you are fast approaching that, and they don’t even know about you.

Maybe he needs to bite the bullet, and mention he’s met someone, and will be dating. At 12, kids can be left at home for an afternoon (or day); or evening. Although at this sensitive time, maybe wait a little while.

I agree with Kristina.

It's possible that part of what is happening is that he isn't dating because his kids don't want him to and they don't want to be left with a sitter. The teen years are going to be rough in that house because he's letting them run the show. It's a really dysfunctional dynamic.

Surely if you've not heard from him at all for over a week then he's taken the decision out of your hands

Have you contacted him??

You have been dating this bloke for 4 months it is not worth it, it sounds like he needs a social worker not a girlfriend.

And yes I have been widowed

"Surely if you've not heard from him at all for over a week then he's taken the decision out of your hands"

^ This.

If he's been active on Whatsapp, but ignoring you, sounds like it's already over...?

It's not a relationship really is it? If he CBA even to drop you a text or call you now and again, you are definitely not that important to him. I think you were right in the first place - just move on, no point wasting your life hanging around waiting to be noticed.

I wasn't saying I need all the attention, just want him to drop me a like or two

What do you mean by drop you a "like" or two?

I don't think you have to be called Sherlock to work out she means 'drop me a line or two' ?

ButOutOfPractice

Yes I contacted him and hadn't replied until this morning.

Petalflowers

We had wanted to take things slow, get to know each other before involving the kids but the relationship has been a little bumpy with less meets & frustration that we can't have time together. Then straight into LW's birthday.......... so he messaged this morning and it turns out before he even asked about what they think about him dating again, the daughter had already seen my picture on his phone, so been playing up. Him wanting to go out means spending time with me - according to the daughter. I haven't replied yet, don't know what to say but I think it would be a chat that needs to be done face to face.

It sounds so me as if he's not ready to date yet op and that he is, quite rightly, focusing on the children at the moment

Knock it on the head

"he is, quite rightly, focusing on the children at the moment"

He was separated from his wife when she died. She passed away 3 years ago. It's one thing to put your children first, it is quite another to not take any time for yourself at all. Personally, I think that taking 1 evening a week to maintain adult connections/friendships/romance would be healthier for the family.

Thank you all for your advise. Will be back with an update.

You could easily have had time together had he arranged this: he didn’t because he is worried about his DCs’ reactions to him dating. Which IMO suggests he doesn’t wish or is not in a position, at this time, to have a relationship with you.

It has only been four months, that's hardly any time.

He can't or won't give you what you want from a relationship. It doesn't mean either of you has done something wrong, it's just not working out.

Why have you posted this again? Nothing seems to have changed since.