So i am a bit lost as to what to do and i have no one to speak to as my family think it is all me and i need to get help. So i have gotten help recently and contacted a dr. After years of coping with my problems by myself i got help! It was a huge relief. So i am on propranol for my anxiety and i have also contacted about getting some counselling. A therapist is going to ring me today and ask me a couple of questions and determine whicg type of counselling i need.
Anyways the reason i reached out for help is because i have really bad trust issues i have had history with a guy who physically and emotionally abused me. I did take him to court but he got let off in the end. After that i got really depressed because i thought no one believed me. But going on i did stay single for about 3 years with my daughter and got my life together. He never was in contact with my daughter and still doesn't until this day. ( he is my daughters dad)
Anyways i am not in a relationship with a guy and to be honest it's been a terrible relationship from the start! We had issues with his ex still logging into his stuff emailing housing companies saying we weren't interested in looking at any houses, she was buying pregnancy tests off his paypal, inboxing me calling him a cunt. Ringing him on his work number -this is the weird thing we were together before he got his work number so my question was how did she get it? She even bragged about having it. He swears down on his childs life and mums life he never gave it her?
Then another weird thing happened i asked to borrow his phone to use facebook i looged on and off everything was fine. Then i asked to use his phone again another day and it was automatically logged into his ex's facebook. He said he never logged into it and dont know how it happened but before it wasn't logged in? So this has created trust issues from the start.
Anyways i told him to change his number because she was ringing months after and block her and delete everything with her in it, change his passwords. So he did.
We moved into our own house together and found out we was pregnant. From then on my trust issues must have gotten worse as i remembered about being abandoned at 6 months pregnant by my 1st boyfriend and all the stories you hear when men cheat. So he started to become distance and hardly spoke to me so i accussed him nearly everyday of cheating. If he cleaned his van i would think it was because he was having a woman in and if he did anything i would question it. I know this is wrong of me and this is why i am finally getting help for my trust issues.
But he started to become physically abusive towards me when i was pregnant if i wanted to leave the house he would hold onto the keys he would push me up the stairs if i wanted to sleep downstairs, he would make me sleep with no t shirt on because i was wearing his t shirt and nothing fit me, he would chuck me off the bed, pull my hair. He would chuck loads of glasses of cold water on me because i wouldnt be able to move as quick because i was big and pregnant. He was nice in every other way except the physical and i would say sexual side aswell. For example he pressured me into having sex when i had thrush i said no its sore but he still did it and i was in agony afterwards. So i class when he pressured me into sex as rape. I have never felt like i have been raped in other relationship so i definitely know i ain't over reacting. No means no, not let me just do it quickly and have a quickie.
Another aspect some people might find contradicting is his useage of porn. So in the beginning stages of the relationship we watched porn together i was ok with it and i never had a problem with other guys watching it in a relationship with me because it didn't affect our relationship. Anyways i will cut it short if any questions i will explain further. I told him i don't like him watching porn because i am starting to feel insecure about my body and weight he said he would stop watching it anyways he watched porn on MY phone i told him stop it he said he would never do it again. But 3 weeks after i gave birth to our daughter we were on holiday and he was on porn on my phone again in the middle of the night. I flipped out and split up with him. I couldn't take him disrespecting my feelings him having sex with me but still watching porn. We have sex nearly everyday and he still thinks its not enough? So when we got home there was a bit more of him calling me toxic and chucking cups of coffee on me and shouting in my ear and pulling my hair. So i messaged his dad i can't cope with it anymore i am moving out and his dad said the reason he is being like that is because you are accusing him constantly of cheating and it was basically my fault and he said try and talk to Sam he will stop. Anyways we tried to get along but we had a huge argument which resorted to him calling me mentally unstable on the phone to his mum i said i was never speaking to his mum again after that because i text her all the things he had been doing to me and she already knew! So his mum was also was ok with it aswell as my parents.
So obviously it must be me?
Anyways he went to his mums for a month he called the health visitor behind my back saying i couldnt cope and then he got back with me and didnt tell me about his phone call to the health visitor and took my daughter to a &e without me knowing and lied about other things which created trust issues. Since i have moved in with him away to near his family he has started calling me names like "Agustus Gloop, Thunderthighs, flobber legs, big ass" i have had issues with my weight and he knows that i feel down that i am not a size 8 anymore and i am trying to lose weight he knew i was insecure but the thing that made me more insecure is he never had an issue with my weight and told me he like me how i was and don't lose weight but then he started calling me them names?
Anyways i did look through his phone and dicovered whilst he was at his mums he was on porn daily and searched teen porn. This made m abit disgusted in him becahse he commented on some girls dressing older than what they were and said if My daughter dressed like that i would kill them. But he is actually looking at teen porn? Bit hypocritical. They also look younger and skinny than 18 even if they are 18! He said he doesn't like skinny girls but he is looking at them? I am so confused tbh he says he like petite women and small women because he is quite short his self thats the reason he watched it. But wouldn't he have just typed in petite women? He was also on porn when we have had arguments and i have stayed at my parents. Instead of texting me back and sorting things out he has been on porn.
He has said he has fucked up and is really sorry and he won't go on porn again but to be honest i don't believe him, he has already had 3 chances and never listend to how i feel once about my insecurities surrounding my body and causing me to feel depressed.
Regarding the physical stuff he actually doesn't hurt me when i don't argue or accuse him so i do think the physical stuff is because of me irratating him. So after that we have argued quite a bit. We do have good times but i am constabtly thinking about how he has upset me and i can't let go and my parents have told me i am causing problems in my relationship but it is hard not to when i feel so hurt. I am getting help for my trust issues and on medication for my anxiety and the dr is thinking of putting me on anti depressants in 3 weeks time.
I just think my relationship is gone and i am currently on maternity but because i have moved away i will have no job to go back to. So i have no idea what am i to do with 2 kids? I do want to break up now i can't see this getting better at all and i want me to get better with a healthy mind instead of overthinking about what he is up to.
I think being single is the best option. He stayed on the sofa last night and he said he is sick of this but i am sick of him hurting me and everyone saying i am wrong for feeling hurt and me tryna stay with him but i can't act normal when i am hurting inside.