What to do for the best

[Bubblesandpeach]

Hi!
Just looking for a bit of advice really. Im at my wits ends and just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It's my first time posting on here so please bear with me. I've been split up from my partner since xmas last year. I left the family home with my children as partner had a drink problem..would disappear for weekends and not come home. This was the final straw. There was also cheating whilst I was pregnant, gambling and a long list of other things.

I've since found out he is using cocaine regularly and getting himself into drug debt. Since leaving him, he didn't allow me back in our home to get my belongings (his name was on tenancy- landlady had no compassion at all) so me and my kids had to start from scratch on very little money.

He isn't a very good father to them at all, constantly let's them down, would rather have an all day binge then turn up for them. Doesn't pay me a penny even though he is making a fortune and knows how much I am struggling with money right now-although this is on the side as he got himself in rent arrears and has played the mental health card and claimed he had depression so he gets help with rent. He turns up at my home when he feels and abuses me by calling me names and I've ruined my children's life by not letting us all be a family. I'm constantly getting texts blackmailing me with stuff I have told him in confidence when we were together about someone in my family. Saying he is going to "out" them if I keep on ignoring them. This is just stuff what has happened in the past month. I could write a novel about the way this man has behaved.

All I want is the best for my children. They are my world and I would kill to protect them. its my sons birthday in a fortnights time, he is going to be 3. He says he wants to tak him out alone. Usually if he wants to see the kids I would go with them as I do not trust him. He drink drives, has got himself into trouble with the police but never turned up so apparently they are looking for him. No way can I trust him to take my son out alone and chances are he may not turn up anyway which would put a black cloud over my sons birthday. I have offered to go with them so he could have time with him but got called a "horrible bitch" for not allowing it.

My daughter understands that daddy is in a bad place and needs to get himself better before he can take them out alone which she is fine with. My little boy doesn't.
It would break their hearts if I went no contact and stopped them seeing him but I feel like I'm going to break their hearts anyway by encouraging a relationship with this man I don't know anymore.
He is making my life a misery and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm constantly feeling sick and anxious and don't know what to do for the best. Everything he is doing is against what I believe in and the example I want to set for my children. I've offered to go with him to sort himself out, tried to be a friend and listen but he will not change. I don't want him ruining my sons birthday and ultimately my children's childhood by constantly going on the way he is.

If you've made it this far thank you very much. Any advice would really help. Thanks

I have no experience but didn't want to leave this unanswered. My feeling is that this man is not good for you OR the children and you are best cutting all contact. Let him go through legal channels. He will have to pay maintenance and contact will be more ordered. It all sounds chaotic at the moment. Not your fault but you are the one that can put your foot down and order it. I'm sorry, he sounds horrible, but distance yourself.

Please contact Womens Aid.
This man is abusive and even though you are apart he is still abusing you.
Get some advice from them - call 0808 2000 247
They are busy but keep trying.
They can help with local resources and legalities.
Rights of Women could also help you.
Get as much support as you can right now.
Stop letting him near your children until he is clean.
If he turns up at your house abusing you call the police.
It might be a good idea to call 101 now and let them know the situation.
They can put you on a priority call list so if you dial 999 they get to you quickly.
Start protecting yourself and your DC.
This man needs to be removed from all of your lives.

This sounds really difficult but it seems clear that it isn’t safe for your children to be with just him and he doesn’t seem to be making any effort to be a good dad to them.
I think you perhaps need to take control of the situation and tell him (maybe even in writing) that he can see the children once a month or once a fortnight (whatever you think best) in an environment that you choose like a soft play place where you can be there in the background so that you know the children are safe but he can play with them etc without you being in close proximity. I would say to him though that if he doesn’t turn up without letting you know and with good reason the contact will stop and won’t resume. It’s then his choice whether he takes you up on that and if he argues then just say that’s what you’re offering and if he says no that’s his decision. If his priority is seeing his children he will do it just to be able to see them.
For his birthday I’d just say no because it’s spoil it if he didn’t turn up and say he can do the above on the weekend closest to his birthday.

Having re-read your post about his abusive behaviour towards you I wouldn’t attend the contact yourself, I would find a family member on either side to do it who you trust.
Also if he comes to your home call the police and tell him to stop texting you other than about the children or you will report him for harassment.

I think you need to go down the 'supervised contact' route.
Have a chat with WA about that too.