Cruel to not let mum see gs?

[ChocolatePHD]

Hi all,

I've posted before about my struggles with my mum. She stayed with a guy who was a total shit to me- occasionally violent, verbally abusive, had an affair and told me to keep my mouth shut about it (mum didn't know), picked me apart daily for how I stood/ walked/ dressed etc. Mum backed him up and was motionless during the violent times. They would sit me down and lecture me for not being affectionate to him. It was crazy and horrible and I began SH at 8, ringing childine and planning to run away.

Since I had ds she's gone from not really bothered about seeing me to wanting to be round every five minutes, calling us darling, falling over herself to do things for us. It kind of broke my brain. I was vibrating with so much anxiety that it was overwhelming me and I ended up with dreadful body pains, panic attacks and surges of adrenaline crashing to feeling low (am bipolar). Every time she was coming round I felt so awkward and such a huge sense of shame in her presence.

Fast forward to now- in the last year I've told her how I feel and I've stepped away. She was seeing my son once a month but she started getting pushy and angry about when she could see him and I had to step away further. We have had an email back and forth where I was straight up about how her behaviour has affected me and how I don't know how to move forward. She replied with lots of sorrys for the past but said again she was 'scared' of my stepdad (which has infuriated me, he never laid a hand on her). She also made an emotional plea re ds saying how sad it was for him not to have his Christmas presents from her last year (he didn't give a monkeys) and how our relationship issues shouldn't come into her seeing him (umm ok).

I find myself feeling so angry about the things she has said. I don't want to see her myself and I don't want my son to see her. But she lays so much guilt at my door, here are some quotes from things she has said:

'Your letter had a terrible effect on me, I didn't work for six weeks and I had to go on stronger antidepressants'

'This all must be very upsetting for ds and he must think we don't care about him, how sad for him that he couldn't have his Christmas presents'

'I was in an awful relationship with your stepdad, trying to keep myself together for all those years, it ruined my life'

'I thought we had a wonderful relationship, or so I thought'

For info I have repeatedly asked ds if he has any feelings about not seeing grandma and he looks at me incredulous and says no. He never asks about her, nothing.

I know that I can't have a relationship with her myself anymore. It's all too broken. But she is desperate to see ds. However her vists were fraught with problems and even though she was only coming to my door to collect him it felt so wrong and painful that I would get panic attacks.

I can't get past feeling like a cruel bastard who will go to hell if I don't organise time between her and him. I feel like I'm ruining her life. I know this is a direct consequence from her actions but still. I feel so horrible over this that I could scream. I don't know how to deal with this. If I let her see him I have to deal with the awkwardness and organisation of it via text etc. And if I don't allow it I feel like the cruellest most selfish person on earth.

Please help.

What does it say?

You mh is the most important thing right now. Your ds needs you in a good place much much more than he needs a gm. I am nc with my dm. Dc manage perfectly well without gps.

Sent it

I wrote:

Mum,

For the moment I've come to the realisation that I can't do this. I read your email several times and while I acknowledge you saying sorry and that you're listening to the impact it made, I'm also receiving emotional manipulation in the form of 'how sad for ---- that he didn't get his Christmas presents' and 'this must be so confusing for him' etc. I've already spelled this out but i'll do it again:

On Christmas morning he doesn't give a toss what present is from who. He doesn't barely read the labels. It's just a big exciting pile of presents. I know it's easy for you to try and paint me as this cruel woman denying you your grandson but on the contrary I am someone who is suffering from a mountain of shit as a result of years of crap and at that point I needed no contact to deal with the fallout from working through it. I've told you before he isn't confused. I've told you before he's not upset. I know you want to believe otherwise but that's the truth. Contrary to what you believe it IS more important to him/ for him to have a mother that isn't ravaged by panic attacks and anxiety than it is to have an afternoon with grandma.

It's also apparent that you want me to feel responsible for how you feel and for our separation. You've told me in your letters/ emails that you haven't gone to work, you're on stronger medication because of my letter, you feel you're being punished, you were in a dreadful relationship with ----, etc. There would be no need to tell me all that if it wasn't designed to make me feel guilty/ responsible. This has ALL happened because you weren't a responsible enough parent and you prioritised your relationship over me. That's the reason for how both you and I feel. Not me. I'm just trying to cope with the legacy of it all, I wasn't the author of this. So whatever you're feeling you need to stop trying to lay it on me.

You have things about you that are warm, caring and lovely and there are plenty of times where we have had good times. But thepast doesn't evaporate, I've said that time and again. Good stuff doesn't make bad stuff disappear. So many things happened. I filled a thick notebook up with incidents and memories during therapy, many of which I'm sure you don't even remember because they weren't significant to you.

There was other stuff in your email that I would talk about but I think you and I differ in our opinion and it's pointless.

I don't wish for you to suffer. This has never been about that. It's about taking control of my own past and future.

I wish you love and peace. I send you love from the bottom of my heart. And I miss you. I just can't deal or cope with this at this point and I/ we have to step away.

With love,

That’s a good letter. Put across very well.

I hope you can step back now and start to heal xx

Despite it being very nicely written she will likely see that as an attack on her and will respond accordingly. Now that you have sent it I would block her. You have said what is needed to be said, no more correspondence should be entered into.

Yes agree. Block now, nothing more to be said.

Well done op. I feel you will have gained some closure by sending it. Although likely you won't feel that way just yet.

AGRee re blocking. Phew. I feel giddy with emotion and adrenaline.

I would add at the bottom, that you are going to block her so you have proper no contact and you hope she can respect your decision on this.

Nicely written - although, she will still see it as an attack on her and will make it all about herself!

Hit that send button.

Wow, BRILLIANT letter! So clear and fair and strong. Wonderful.

Well done

That's a great letter. If she replies, ignore it!

Just do it the relief you will feel will be immense

OP I can really relate and you've made the right decision. Just stick to it as you can never trust her around your son and her judgement regarding her husband and people she hangs around with. I am in no way defending your mother but you said this:

"She replied with lots of sorrys for the past but said again she was 'scared' of my stepdad (which has infuriated me, he never laid a hand on her)."

I'm not sure you can be 100% on this, especially with how she felt at the time, you don't need physical abuse to be scared of someone. Of course this is no excuse for her behaviour and she didn't do anything to protect you. I'm just pointing this out to open up your insight into other POV which may help you in your future life.

I think your e-mails are great and gives you closure. I went fully NC but frequently my childhood plays on my mind and I kind of regret not having it out as you have done, but there's no way I would have had the confidence at the time.

It's a case of you can't forgive her and rightly so, stherefore you're going NC, which is the best path for all!

She can't have been that scared of him given that she decisively kicked him out on discovering the affair. Being scared seems quite a convenient excuse. Protect yourself and protect your son OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I feel kind of relieved for having made the decision and said my peace. But I also feel dreadfully mean. She is as fragile as a vase. But that doesn't mean she gets a pass for past behaviour.

I feel sad and frustratingly defeated that I couldn't make this work. But I couldn't live with certain things she did or said despite being nice/ good to me at times.

I take no victory in this. It just feels like a sad loss. But at least the headfuck and stress won't drag on.

Prior to me telling her about his affair she told me on the phone that he'd been crying because I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him after I moved out. She told me in a way that was very 'aww poor him, can't you make this right?'

And then I told her what he'd done. And she changed the locks, put all his clothes in bin bags and told him to fuck off. But it wasn't until then that she saw what a shit he was.

I.e. when he had humiliated HER. All the stuff he did to me didn't make her see it....

chocolate I hope that letter was cathartic.

Don't email her now. You need proper time to heal. I've just got in touch with my mother after 15 years. It's seriously took that long for me to heal.

You need to do lots of work on your self now, for your ds sake and yours. My psychotherapist taught me to imagine yourself as a little girl and and give the cherishing love and attention to yourself that you should have had of your parents. It sounds weird but it really works.

You can't heal properly if your round your mother - especially if she is offering up excuses for her shocking behaviour.

She did see everything he did - and she knew it was wrong. It is just that her need to keep him in her life was stronger than her need to protect you.

PM me if you like I've been through similar.

You will be ok.

Wow. I think you are amazing. That letter is so eloquent.

I just wanted to say something about your therapist. If you feel like it's not a great fit at the moment, there is no harm in checking out a different therapist. I know it seems a bit like starting from the beginning - had a therapist who was great in many ways but I just didn't agree with some of the things she was telling me, and she was putting responsibility on me for things it was definitely were not my fault (that's a bit cryptic, sorry).

I know this is to say, but please don't feel guilty. It's quite likely your mum is never going to understand how you feel, but then if she had any feeling for how things affected you, then she never would've let these things happen in the first place. You really need to and deserve to take care of you.

I should add, I finally decided to find a new therapist and I actually am getting so much more out of my sessions with this one.

Thank you. Have been trying to block her emails but not having much luck with figuring it out at the mo. Might have to start a new one instead.

Trying to calm down. Feeling v stressed out.

Well done. Time to nurture you and cudddle your boy.

I don't think it's cruel if your mother is bad for your dc. At the moment my Dm isn't seeing my child as she isn't the be trusted with what she does or says and is a loose cannon.

ChocolatePHD I feel your pain as my mother blows my phone up and it ruins my entire day. I'm a happier person without her negativity, dysfunction and narcissistic tendencies.