Recovering from emotional abuse

[isthismylifenow]

Really just a post for me to get some things off my chest. Don't have an awful lot of rl support, think partly my own fault as I see now that I have pushed people away.

Separated now for over a year, stbx is pushing for divorce, but due to various other things going on that I have had to deal with (involves family member) I just could not face dealing with it. I started going to therapy, not initially because of the divorce, but the other matter. I have never considered therapy before, and was sort of forced into it due the recent trauma, but from a past few sessions that I have been, I see what a mug I had been for year and years in my marriage.

I think I am quite a sensible person, but my downfall is being soft and allowed to be walked on for so long. I read these threads, have always been a shoulder for my friends to lean on when they were having tough times, so why could I NOT see that I have been (and still am) being so emotionally abused by my stbx. I really honestly did believe that it was me, my fault, I didn't try hard enough etc etc.

It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday when the pin finally dropped, today I feel I can see things that happened are more clear (gaslighted etc)

So now my new journey begins, recovering from abuse which I didn't even realize was happening. Feel really quite silly, naïve for what is so obvious now, but its taken me a near on breakdown to see it.

I have cried tears of anger, hurt and feeling rejected, dejected. Also a bit of 'not now another fucking thing to have to get over' But also a bit of relief in one way, as I really know deep down that I am not that awful person. Not expecting replies, just need a place to get this out.

It's a tough thing to get over. And if your the type of person who is always trying to be there for everyone else it's hard not to blame yourself for the way other people end up treating yourself,
It's hard to even admit that it happened sometimes, feelings of failure etc.
It's a hard journey. I found it very hard to admit, and I felt a lot of guilt around it.
How did I let it happen etc
Why do I have yet another thing to get over. Why couldn't I just have a happy ever after
Working on yourself is a good thing
Learning boundaries
Lots of people who over emphasise end up like us, always putting others first and not empathising enough with ourselves.
I go over and over in my head why did I stay so long.
But I am hoping it's something that I have learned from, hopefully not too late in life

It's hard to even admit that it happened sometimes, feelings of failure etc.

Gosh Worried, yes to all of what you said. I think the bit I have highlighted is a big thing. For me, I always thought of myself, as I said, sensible, and I thought strong. So I feel how can someone sensible, and fairly strong, have allowed this?? And not fix it?? This is something that I am battling with.

Yes, a hard lesson. Unfortunately makes everyone around you seem untrustworthy...... as how do you know who/what to believe.

isthismylifenow: I left my emotionally abusive ex in Feb (we were together 21 years). I am still trying to come to terms with the damage he did and also why I put up with it for so long. Its like I don't recognise myself anymore, but it is getting better. I like you am one of lifes pleasers, which often means putting my needs last. That is hard to try and change, and actually I don't want to anymore. I just want people close to me to understand that and nuture it, not be critical about that part of my personality. I have just bought a house that needs rennovating, and I think for me that will be therapy. Once that is done, i will start exploring volunteering when i don't have the kids. That is something I have always wanted to do but never did as he expected so much out of my time.

I am rejoicing in all the daily things I couldn't do before, or those feelings of dread everyday. I took the kids to school this morning and when I got in the car I took a deep breath and realised how stress free mornings are compared to before. Its little things like that that make me realise how far I have come.

Be kind to yourself. I find talking to friends helps, and you will be suprised how many people have had similar things, or they know someone who has been through the same thing. I was talking to a friend last night, and because my ex used to comment and analyse everything, I assume that is what everyone does. So its hard not to think that everyone is thinking negatively about you. Truth is, they probably aren't at all. I also admitted I thought our relationship had damaged me more than I realised until recently. Anyway, surely that is the start of healing, is to open yourself up, and learn to love yourself again. For who you are, not who he told you you are.