Mum’s unreasonable partner

[KimGa]

My Mum’s partner acted badly towards my brother and sister in law and their kids and I don’t know what to do.

My mum was widowed 15 years ago and has been with this guy for 10 years. He doesn’t have children of his own and struggles with family situations often avoiding seeing too much of my mum’s grandchildren (my brother’s 3 and my 2). He says to my Mum that he doesn’t feel he’s been accepted into our close family.

One day my brother and sister in law were at my mum’s, he was there and completely flew off the handle when the kids were misbehaving and shouted that they were bad parents, made the kids cry etc.

He refuses to apologise. That was a month ago. My brother and sister in law are hosting Christmas and understandably won’t invite him.

I am furious at him but also really upset that my mum has accepted him not apologising. They don’t live together but she has since been away on holiday with him.

She wants to still see my husband and I for meals at the weekends etc with him there. I don’t want to make life even more difficult for my mum by saying no but I feel really uncomfortable about doing this when he has acted badly and won’t apologise.

What should I do?

Invite her round but not him. You need to talk to your mum and explain that you’re not happy with him being around you.

Of course your DMs partner shouldn't have done this. However badly behaved your nieces and nephews were, of course he should have kept his mouth SHUT. They are not his children.
However, he has no children of his own and in my experience people, who have no children can often be very intolerant because they think that parents can easily control their children like robots....we know as parents that you can't.
So if you know the reason why he possibly mis behaved and your reaction isn't mixed with the slightest misgivings about your DMs relationship with him, could you meet him half way?

Imagine the children were going 'batshit' and he looks round and wonders if any adult is going to restrain them, tell them to stop etc ....no one does, and so he stupidly thinks he will take on that role.....big mistake.....and he offered advice on parenting....well really! ....of course he should grovel....but it might have been the 20th/30th time he has witnessed your Mothers home been kidtrashed...and so he went for it.
His thinking will be .,.,,,well someone should tell them..oh yes 'me' ...and so he did.
He has made a mistake, in the minefield of family relationships, one in ten years isn't too bad.
Don't join in with all this family tangled knitting wool is my advice. The outcome will be to make your DM miserable and she hasn't done anything. It's not your fight.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have seen and spoken to my Mum on her own but she thinks as I wasn’t there and it wasn’t aimed at me it shouldn’t change things where I’m concerned. It has because I no longer respect him (not for making the mistake in the first place but for refusing to apologise).

It was useful to be reminded that people without kids think parents should be able to control them like robots - I do understand how he got to the point of the outburst happening. I just can’t get over him not being sorry for his actions and my Mum being ok with that. She is now considering spending Xmas with him instead of all of us (he would be on his own otherwise) which means all the innocent people lose out - in particular her grandchildren.

I guess I probably will just have to suck it up when it comes to seeing them when my brother isn’t around because I don’t want to make her life even more difficult. Feels wrong though.

Let her spend Christmas with him alone if she wants. He needs to apologise.

I wouldn't want him near my kids with that attitude.

If he’s been with your Mum for 10 years then presumably he’s known these kids for most of their lives. Is he really not allowed the same leeway as your Dad would have had, had HE lost his temper in a similar situation? I bet your Dad wouldn’t have had to grovel or risk being cut out of the family.

Also, were you there when it happened or are you relying on your Sister and BIL’s description of the blow up? It’s not unusual for parents to minimise their little cherubs’ behaviour - are you sure he should be the one apologising here?

Does he have a point when he says he’s not been accepted ?

Why didn't the parents discipline the children. Why did it get that bad that your SD felt he had to intervene?

The account of what happened came from my mum and she agrees it was totally unreasonable just excuses his anger away. The kids were not out of control just not tidying up when it was time to go but I can see how that would annoy someone who wasn’t used to kids and wanted them to hurry up and leave.

For me it’s not the telling the kids off, it’s yelling that my brother and sister in law are terrible parents. I don’t think anyone should say that to anyone who loves and cares for their children and not apologise. If my mum herself had said it, my dad who has passed away or my own dh I would be just as fuming.

Yes he does have issues about not being accepted by my brother but then surely apologise and say my real problem is that I didn’t mean to scare the hell out of your kids.

If you invite your mum and her BF over, your brother might think that you aren't siding with him.

It's a minefield but I'd think about asking him to stay away till things are patched up between him and your brother.

So it's not all right for him to have lost his rag once but it's perfectly fine for your brother not accepting his mum's partner? I wonder if you have accepted him yourself, really, bearing in mind you used the phrase that you are a "close family".

I think there's more to this.

We all have choices.

He chooses not to apologise. Your DM chooses to side with him. Your DB chooses to put his children and wife above the man who has insulted them and shouted at his children, and not invite him and your DM for Christmas.

Harsh as it sounds, you need to make your own choice. You can't keep everyone happy and, as this isn't particularly your drama - rather a drama of the wider family - I wouldn't bother trying to play the peace-keeper role.

Do whatever feels right for YOU.

Your DM is the one who has made her choice here and she has chosen to throw her family under the bus for this bloke she doesn't even live with.

I agree for you to avoid at all costs being a peacemaker, but to point out to your mother that it's absolutely out of order for her to allow your DB and his wife to be treated like that and that SHE is the one that needs to lay down the law with this guy.

Out of interest, what does your DM think she'd do if your H shouted at her in the same way?

I had this behaviour from my mum's H, in the end it broke the family and I am NC with them all now