my partner hurt me last night

[anxious842]

Last night my partner hurt me and I've been left feeling really confused. We were lying in bed together and he obviously wanted sex. I was tired so not really making any moves. He was stoking down the inside of my thigh and so I started tickling up the back of his leg, I playfully squeezed the back of his thigh, bum, gently and he suddenly grabbed the inside of my thigh really tightly and squeezed hard. So hard it made me jump and say ow. I pulled my leg away as it was throbbing and said why did you do that in complete shock. He Said I thought I would squeeze you back. A few minutes later I said that really hurt and he sarcastically said 'Oh I'm sorry'

I then said I had a headache I think from that and after a few minutes he starts stroking my head and falls asleep. Something he wouldn't normally do. I was lying there not having a clue what to do. I waited till he was asleep and moved his arm off me.

We haven't mentioned it this morning and he's been extra nice. He's now gone away with work for a few days.
My leg is sore to touch where he squeezed it and a bruise is starting to come out.

I think he was annoyed with me last night as he wanted sex but wanted me to make the move, put in the effort and I wasn't. But I've been thinking about it today and he must have squeezed so hard to make it hurt like it did. It can't have been an accident. I definitely only squeezed him playfully. This was aggressive!

He's never physically hurt me before and I'm wondering if I'm over reacting? He didn't hit me, threaten me or do anything like that. It was just completely out of the blue.

He does have a temper and I am a bit scared of of making him annoyed and angry with me. He's very cutting and will let you know if he doesn't approve of something or will make little digs about what I've done and not done all the time. I think it's his personality though and we've all learnt to tread eggshells when he is in one of his moods. It's really hard to explain and I think maybe I need to write down what stuff he says as it seems pathetic otherwise.

Any advice would be great!

He's testing you to see if you will accept him physically hurting you.

Hes emotionally abusive. My first thought is that he was trying to punish you for not making a move on him, which is sexually coercive.

He doesn't sound kind. I wouldn't be with a man like that.

Good luck OP. I'm sorry this happened to you.

What a lazy, nasty arse he is. He wants sex but wants you to put all the effort in, and then hurts you? And you're walking on eggshells around him? Your life doesn't have to be like this, you know. There is a way out.

I doubt he is testing you at all, as in not premeditated. I suspect he did it because he wanted too in the moment.

My advice. Leave him.

So if you don’t come onto him when he wants you to he will hurt you?

Damn right you need to talk about it. Make it clear it ever happens again and it’s game over. Because if you don’t, that’s what he will do in future. Hurt you when you don’t do what he wants when he wants. And the hurt will get worse each time.

In a good relationship you should never feel like you're walking on eggshells. Please take a good long look at your relationship and make a decision based on your head not your heart. Maybe consider what you would advise to a friend in your situation...

I have anxiety and try to please everyone so I don't know how much the walking on eggshells is down to me reading things wrong as I tend to read in to everything all the time.

I don't know how to talk to him about it. I know he will just brush it off as me over reacting or being a wimp.

I'm ashamed to admit we had sex before he left this morning. I just followed him in to the bedroom when he suggested it even though I didn't want to. I didn't tell him that though!

I'm afraid nothing is going to change until you make the change. You must speak to him about how he hurt you. You don't have to live with this relationship but only you can put a stop to it before it gets any worse. Have you had any therapy for your anxiety. Unless you can address this then you are likely to spend the rest of your life trying to please everyone to the huge cost to yourself.
You need to talk and then hopefully you will have a clearer indication of where to go from there.

Even if you've read things wrong before, and I doubt it very much, he has hurt you once and that's enough to leave.

Heydey... I've had cut before and have actually recently gone back onto antidepressants to help with my anxiety. I haven't even told him about it as I know he will disagree with me being on them!

ElephantsandTigers .. I just feel like I'm over reacting to a squeeze on the leg albeit a hard one.If it had been a smack or something then I think I would think differently.

cbt not cut!

Let me tell you something. When I was a teenager my boyfriend put his hands around my neck. Somehow I thought if he hit me that would be worse . It's unwanted physical contact. This is enough to leave. Believe it.

I’ll be honest- I like it a bit rough, but we both know where the limit is and would never intentionally actually hurt each other.

Even if you’re not sure whether he did it intentionally or not it seems that you don’t completely trust him anyway so maybe it’s time to start thinking about ending the relationship. You can’t be walking around on egg shells for your whole life. Hopefully you can find someone who helps ease your anxiety and doesn’t add to it.

ElephantsandTogers - Sorry to hear that. I slapped my ex husband when I found out he had, had an affair and so I feel bad for thinking a squeeze is bad enough to leave.

silverUnicorn This was completely out of the blue, one minute he was very gently stroking my inner thigh, the next he had grabbed it. It wasn't in the heat of the moment or anything like that.

The other weekend he had a go at me about using the tumble drier, for some reason it's an issue. I had used it for something he didn't seem to think was necessary. So I ended up asking him what was acceptable to tumble dry and he said you don't pay the bills (I contribute from a part time salary) and just do whatever you want I don't care. So I haven't dared use it again when he's around or going to be coming back.
It's things like that.

'He does have a temper and I am a bit scared of of making him annoyed and angry with me. He's very cutting and will let you know if he doesn't approve of something or will make little digs about what I've done and not done all the time. I think it's his personality though and we've all learnt to tread eggshells when he is in one of his moods'

Your partner is abusive. Who's 'we', really hope you don't have children who have to live with this, too.

He’s abusive. You should never feel scared of your partner or be walking on eggshells. You should be able to say no to sex whenever you feel without repercussions. He should never ever hurt you.

Please get out now. Don’t discuss it with him. He’s not going to agree that he’s abusive. Call Women’s aid and speak to someone about it. Please, it will only get worse.

This is not healthy OP, nobody deserves to have to put up with it. My ex was very good at making little every day things into huge anxiety spots (think shouting and berating for simple stuff like being asked to pass the salt, screaming about being woken up when he ASKED me to wake him, once he even reduced me to tears for offering him some lemon cake )

You can do so much better than someone who cares more about what you haven't done for them than loving you.

What do you think would have happened if you'd refused sex the next morning OP?

It worries me that you're scared to do things that make him unhappy. It's hard to say from an outside perspective whether you feel like you 'should' do what he wants or if he genuinely makes you scared.

Thing is, you have to be true to yourself to be happy, you're not at the moment. Once you start being true to yourself and doing things he doesn't like, he won't be happy. So the relationship is doomed anyway.

It's not ok for him to hurt and bruise you. Even if it WERE an accident, his lack of remorse is very telling.

Please listen to these ladies telling you it will only get worse. You can be much happier. Big hugs

That's not right, OP. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about this?

I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life. I moved away from my old town when we moved in together and lost touch with a lot of people. Then I don’t want my friends knowing as we all spend time together in a group.

Yes there are children. 2 from my previous marriage (he had an affair) and we have a little girl together. We’ve been together 5/6 years and he was amazing to start, treated me like a princess and sometimes he still does.
I guess I’ve been putting his moods down to the stress of living in a blended family but thought things should be getting easier for him now.

This really doesn't sound great, op.

I just had to write on this thread. It doesn’t sound good at all, OP, and what’s all this ‘treating like a princess’? I hate that phrase and what it implies. Why can’t people treat each other like, well, people?

I mostly just lurk on the relationship board, but often posters say that in the beginning their now abusive partner used to treat them like a princess and has now changed.

If you want out we will help you but if you stay it will get worse and your little dd will think this is what she has to put with me for five minutes a day/month of feeling like a princess. As for the slapping your ex when he had an affair, bah. Can't get cross about that. He deserved it.

He sounds abusive and the violence will just escalate if you stay