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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not happy with partner but don't feel able to cope without him.

17 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 20/11/2017 13:57

I think I'm just putting up with my partner until things are easier with our 17 month old. He does my head in on a daily basis with his loud, obnoxious behaviour and he upset my 5 year old (his step daughter) last week again, which I posted a bout some months ago. He did improve his behaviour for a while and our relationship improved briefly but I now feel that if I wasn't so exhausted and in need of his help that I would not be with him. He does do a lot around the house, he cooks often and he adores the kids BUT he behaves like a spoilt child himself half the time and it's pissing me off no end. He is rude and bad tempered, talks down to me, won't be told when he's wrong, over reacts all the time, jumps down my throat if I question anything he says or does and I always worry what kind of mood he's going to in when he gets home. I don't think he's abusive as such, as I've dealt with that previously, but he doesn't exactly make me feel good or happy. I think he is simply an obnoxious person who likes the sound of his own voice far too much. He thinks he's amazing at everything he does but in reality he is not. I think he's got a serious case of short man syndrome (he's 5'5 - my height).
Things were much better before we had our 17 month old but it has been a very tough time since, she has allergies, doesn't sleep well, I was quite ill after having her for over a month. We are both besotted with her but I think he resents me now as I don't have enough energy for a sexual relationship, barely have enough energy to do the basics around the house (it's a tip) and on top of all that I'm still breastfeeding. I really want to stop now as its draining me but I feel unable to as she is such hard work anyway. I feel like my mental and physical health is suffering and I'm constantly thinking about how different things could have been if had done or not done such and such a thing. I seem to always make the wrong decision and I don't know what to do anymore. Sad

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OhWhatAPalaver · 20/11/2017 20:31

Anyone? Aside from the above he also seems it unnecessary to finalise the divorce from his ex wife. They've been separated for over ten years and we have been together for 3 years and he won't pull his finger out and sort it once and for all. He says there's no point because we don't want to get married but I still don't like him be technically still married. I'm not being unreasonable there am I? I wasn't that arsed before but we have a child together now and in my eyes that should change things somewhat.

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whatsinthebox · 21/11/2017 18:38

Bump

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/11/2017 18:43

Forget the fact he's married. Surely you don't want to marry him anyway?

Sometimes, knowing you're going to get out eventually can help you get through things. A lot of people in your position, though, find they have a new lease of life when they dump someone like this.

OhWhatAPalaver · 25/11/2017 13:13

Just catching up. So this morning we had a row because I had the audacity to put some socks in the wash that were folded together. He threw them in my direction and said 'if I find socks in the crash like this I'll assume they are clean'. He has been taking the washing to the launderette for the last few weeks because our washing machine broke. Waiting on landlord for another. Normally I do the washing. He then said I never thank him for anything that he does round the house. To which I resposonded that he never even notices the things that I do. My 5 year old heard all this arguing and she said to him 'when your not here mummy washes up.' My 5 year old dd stuck up for me ffs. I kept trying to stop the conversation because dd was there but he just went on and on. I'm so sick of this. He talks to me like shit all the time. He says I'm cold and unloving. Hey, guess why... I'm so angry with him right now.
I don't want to marry him now. I used to think I did years ago, but not now.

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OhWhatAPalaver · 25/11/2017 13:14

*wash not crash!

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category12 · 25/11/2017 13:26

Him still being married does matter because were he to die, she'd get any assets and you'd get fuck all. If he's the main earner, he ought to be putting in provision for your dd (and you).

But anyway, it might be better to cut your losses and leave. It sounds horrible.

Notreallyarsed · 25/11/2017 13:28

My 5 year old dd stuck up for me ffs

You need to leave, now. It’s not going to get easier, and your DD needs to see her Mum get away from this situation.

Littlechocola · 25/11/2017 13:30

What makes you think that you wouldn’t cope without him?
Your dc think that your relationship is normal, would you be happy for them to have a relationship like yours when they are older?

OhWhatAPalaver · 25/11/2017 18:40

Part of me wants to leave but then I would be one of those mum's with two kids to two different dads, neither of which were suitable partners and I feel shit about myself for making the wrong decision twice. :( I know that's no reason to stay but it just makes me feel like an idiot.

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Notreallyarsed · 25/11/2017 18:50

Anyone who’d judge you negatively for that isn’t worth worrying about OP. You and your kids are what’s important here.

TreesAr3Green · 25/11/2017 23:14

So sad reading some of the things he has done/said to you. Reminds me so much of xh. The best thing you can do for you and the dc is leave. Honestly the thought is worse than the reality. I'm just under 2 years in and is cant remember being this happy and settled. Even the cats seem more relaxed without the atmosphere.

OhWhatAPalaver · 26/11/2017 05:15

I feel that I wouldn't cope as we've had a bad time of illness recently and I dress to think what I would have been like we're he not there. He takes dd1 to school 3 days a week and picks her up one day a week when I'm at work. If he weren't there to do that she'd be in before / after school club, which, on top of childcare fees for dd2, we can't afford. My mum is a half hour drive away and she works full time. His mum is 40 mins away and is not particularly reliable. I only have one friend nearby who could possibly help out if I was desperate. I feel like I can't keep on top of anything at the moment as I'm exhausted and I'm always late for work because I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. The only thing I can think of would be to move house to be nearer my mum and dd1's dad but dd has only just moved to the school local to us after waiting for over a year. I don't want to cause her any more upheaval as she struggles to deal with big changes as it is. Feel stuck and lost :(

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BertramTheWalrus · 26/11/2017 06:03

neither of which were suitable partners and I feel shit about myself for making the wrong decision twice.
Staying doesn't turn it into a correct decision though does it? He's still the wrong man for you and chances are people know that. They probably find him just as obnoxious as you do.

I'd move closer to your mum. Yes, it's another big change for your DD, but I can't see much else you can do, and she will adapt to the new situation quicker than you think.

disappearingninepatch · 26/11/2017 12:01

I would be one of those mum's with two kids to two different dads, neither of which were suitable partners.
Better that than to bring your DC up in an abusive household.

I know that moving your DD's school wouldn't be ideal, but she would be nearer to her DF and your DM and would have a happier, less stressed DM. She's only young and would soon adapt. You certainly don't want her learning about relationships by watching your DP's behaviour.

TreesAr3Green · 26/11/2017 13:42

You need to keep in mind that he would have dd2 for contact that will give you some free time (that i guess you do not any now) in which you can get caught up with odd jobs, cleaning, 1 on 1 with dd1. And its amazing how much easier it is to complete day to day tasks without the weight of all that resentment on your sholders. Financially you might find yourself in a better possition. You know whats best for your dc but the thought of you thinking your stuck is heartbreaking x

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/11/2017 13:52

I I would be one of those mum's with two kids to two different dads

Whether you stay with him or not, that fact is true.

It sounds like there is fault on both sides and unless you both want counselling to try and correct that then it's better to cut your loses and split. Yes you'll have to cope on your own but staying with him as he does the housework is nonsense.

I would have a health check though as your little one is nearly two now so your energy levels etc should be normal.

OhWhatAPalaver · 26/11/2017 14:12

Yellow, she doesn't sleep well and is still breastfeeding. Of course my energy levels are not normal. I didn't feel normal till I stopped bfing dd1 at 13 months and she slept well!
I don't have a problem having two kids to two different dads, I had hoped the my current partner would be someone I wanted to be with for a very long time. Unfortunately it seems neither of the dc's dads were suitable partners and I feel I made a mistake. Obviously if we spilt up everyone else will know I made a mistake again. Which I obviously have, but i don't particularly like the thought of being judged by my family and friends.

Anyway, on another note, he has apologised and is being nice to me today. He says hed rather try and make it work than leave. He adores our dd and has previously said he couldn't cope if he couldn't see her every day. Sometimes I don't think he actually loves me and I think he wants to be with me so he can be with dd, rather than me. That said I'm not sure I love him any more tbh. It's all a big fucking mess. :(

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