My husband is not having an affair but his alcoholism and lies surrounding it has the same effect on me

[elliemillie]

Last night I found wine bottles hidden round the bedroom.
There is constant lying about the alcohol and cigarettes. I am the sole earner and I have been told stories so he can get money to fuel his addictions and I have believed them. I am working 16 hour days to keep our family going and I don't see an end on sight as he doesn't want to get a job.

I feel exactly like I felt when I have found out about cheating in the past. I know that comes across as me over reacting because alcohlism is generally perceived as a disease. But I feel so betrayed and it doesn't feel any different from him cheating.

Oh dear.
This is cocklodging taken to a whole new level.
How is he getting money?
What is the housing situation?
Do you have kids and how many?
Why didn't you leave when he cheated?
What sort of hold does this waste of space have over you?
You can't possibly have any respect for him!!!

We have 2DCs together and I have one from previous marriage.
We have been married for 14 years. He lost his job in 2013 and hasn't quiet managed to find a proper job yet. He ran a lot of debt trying to set up a business which failed so now we are dependent on my income.

He is really good with the kids and the DCs adore him. That is what has kept me here.
When he cheated I lived and worked in a different country and although I felt betrayed I realise the situation made it possible. That is why I stayed.

He gets a small income (about 300 a month) from publishers but all that is spent on his addictions. We have never had joint finances which has somehow been a blessing because I wouldn't be able to run my business if his credit rating was tied to mine because of my profession. But it also means he is not accountable for his spending

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
He won't stop unless he wants to. He's putting alcohol first. You can't change that. You can only change your reaction.
I couldn't live with an alcoholic or subject my children to that.
Hope he's not driving or in sole charge of the kids.

My brain gets
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

But emotionally I can't stop it affecting me so much. He doesn't drink and drive thankfully

It won't affect you if you aren't together. Sometimes that is the only answer.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you exactly?. I ask as you seem to be in a codependent relationship with this man; relationships where alcoholism is present and codependency often go hand in hand. Your money earned goes towards his alcohol and cigarette purchases as well; he is using you to fund his addictions.

Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you and he are divorced. The effects too of all this on your children is incalculable and may only be properly felt by them when they are adults themselves.

Did your parents behave like this?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, why is your relationship bar so very low here?. What caused that to happen.

Why do you think he is good with the kids?. Women in such rubbish relationships write similar when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He is patently NOT good with the kids and they see you being treated appallingly by your alcoholic H who also cheats on you to boot. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, I think no you would not. So stop showing them that on some level this is still acceptable to you.