How do we take a step back as a family?

[Flippetydip]

This is not really a major issue as things go but would just appreciate the advice.

We are very close friends with another family near us. Our children don't go to the same school, which is a good thing. However, the father of the family is probably verging on the emotionally abusive to his wife (my friend) and his children. He shouts horribly a lot of the time - shouting aggressively at his kids to "shut up" or "get off" if they try and hug him. He's weird with his wife in front of other people - not affectionate but "gropey" and swears in front of the kids (ours and theirs) and I know from her, that he pressures her for sex.

I spend some time with him on my own - shared hobby - and he makes the odd inappropriate comment which I just ignore but makes me feel uncomfortable nonetheless.

I have in the past had long conversations with my friend about her leaving him. She is deeply unhappy and I've always said whatever she decides to do I will support her.

The breaking point has come when her DD (10) is now also swearing a lot and has started being horrible to my DD (8). They always used to play very well. The boys still get on fine.

I feel that I need in some way to "protect" my own family now. Days with the two families together are not nice as he is always bellowing and shouting and now the DD is being horrible - I understand why - she sees her dad treating people like that and thinks that's the way forward.

How do I take a step back from them as a family while still supporting my friend. I love her dearly and really want to keep being there for her so I can't just cut all ties.

I think you just need to avoid situations when you are with them as a family. If you can/think it's better just to be evasive without giving a reason, I would do that. Just be unavailable if she asks to get together as a family and don't reach other to make family plans, but say you'd love to meet up for lunch one day (sans children) or ask if you can come over to see her one night if her dh is out and after the children are in bed, however it is you normally socialise one-on-one with her. If she questions it or if you feel you need to be honest, I would just tell her the truth. It may shock her into understanding her situation is serious and is affecting her family more than just herself. I would just make sure she does hear from you that you care about her deeply and that you are there to support her 100%.

I'd be honest with the wife here but I'm not pretending that will be easy.

When you next see her alone say that you need to talk about the last family outing/meet up.

Say that you found the day really tricky because of the fighting children and her husband being in such a bad mood and surely she must've noticed how her daughter has seemed less happy to play with yours these days. See what she says.

It's really tricky though. She will probably make excuses andbe embarrassed and you can reassure her you still enjoy spending time with her but the family outings are too fraught. She may feel upset and put out but you can't go through awful days out with your family just to appease her.

I agree with the PP who said it's possible it will make her rethink her situation which it sounds like she needs to.

She's fully aware of how bad the home situation is. She's already apologised for the daughter's behaviour. She turned up the other day in tears talking about leaving everything behind. She's not at all unaware of how it is but doesn't know how to leave him because he will be so so difficult about everything.

In that case you just have to say 'no' to further family days but that you're happy to see her alone.