Advice spicing things up

[Eleast]

Apologies I tried to post this in the sex forum but it wouldn’t let me!

Wondering if I can have some advice. Hubby isn’t overly excited about our sex life. He has a much higher sex drive, we dtd about once a week. I’m not overly sexual, I enjoy sex but it feels like an effort and I’m not very comfortable with being sexual. I used to be fine do the whole sexy lingerie thing and didn’t mind oral. But now it seems different.

We have two toddlers, before kids sex was actually painful and now it’s not which is great but I seem to have become a prude. I get really embarrassed by it all and feel an idiot trying to be sexy. I have gained some weight but I’ve been this size before in the decade we’ve been together. He always says I’m not affectionate enough maybe I just got lazy. He likes to cuddle at night but I just want to go to sleep and he always tries to cuddle my boobs and I don’t enjoy it. I want to improve our sex life but don’t know how when the thought of everything is mortifying. Any advice?

Could be hormonal - are you still bfing by any chance? My drive reacts really badly to hormonal changes but it's not just whether I want sex or not, I generally don't want to be touched when it's bad and it changes my attitude towards sex (I become a lot more "prudish" I suppose, and then a lot more err... open minded when it resolves!). For me personally, there's not a whole lot I can do until it sorts itself out - these incidents have been triggered my hormonal treatments as well as pregnancy, so after I stopped pumping I've stayed off hormonal contraception until things have resolved and it took a good six months to sort itself out, now I'm going back on the pill.

If you've 2 toddlers then right now it sounds like your energy is going on them. He needs to grasp that.

But in the future, you both need to - if you want to! - make time for being erotic. It's not just one person demanding from another. Is he caring for you throughout the day? Is he listening to you? Are you both discussing your fears about intimacy?

Is he actually listening to you when he's grasping your breasts, doesn't sound like it. I think he's going about it in the wrong and and quite frankly horrible and childish way, maybe he feels rejection but he needs to say that. If he's not respecting you saying you don't enjoy it then how can he expect you to desire him, who desires a lech?

Both my kids were bottle fed I wasn’t able to breastfeed despite my trying. My hormones are apparently all fine I’ve had blood tests recently as they thought I had pcos, my periods have been lasting 10 days and irregular, I have acne for the first time in my life and always tired. But the dr thinks it’s just my natural cycle as I decided to stay off the pill since my youngest was born in 2016.
To be fair my husband is a good one, he works full time and spends most his free time with the kids, his whole weekend revolves around activities with them. He does jobs around the house pays for everything and takes a big interest in parenting decisions. He never goes out and always tells me if I want something he will buy it. But he says sometimes he feels like we are becoming roommates, and I have said we don’t do much as just a couple anymore apart from watching a couple hours of tv a week together. I think he does feel rejected but it’s not him that’s the issue it’s me. By the time he gets back from work I’m just drained. We do have sex once a week at least which I don’t think is bad for a couple with two kids under 3

I clicked on this and the ad at the top is for 20% off Love Honey ironically.

My DH sounds the same as yours OP. We have 3 under 5 and my DH would think he had died and gone to heaven with once a week ! But all the things you described I have felt exactly the same as you have over the last few years.

I found stopping the pill and time once the DC are sleeping well and at nursery etc, relaxing with some wine and a nice meal helped. Generally making time to do things together which I really struggle with as we literally get no time without the kids.

Sounds daft but I developed a crush on a work friend who I kept in touch with over my mat leaves and after I left ( very innocent no flirting or anything ) but it made me feel alive again and that I am still capable of feeling sexual desire as an adult person and not just as "mum" if that makes sense.

Personally think focussing on a spicy sex life may be the wrong motive and actually be damaging how you see yourself and your sex life. I only say this from my previous wn personal experience.

For me, I do better focussing in intimacy in terms of expressing love, rather than the sex act. I hope that makes sense? My DH and I spoke about my attitude in the difference between having sex and making love in my own mind very early due to my history before him. That’s not to say there’s nothing room for carnal sex, just that it only happens if I’m satisfied with our love life.

I appreciated I’ve expressed myself very badly but hopefully it’s given food for thought. Touching your breasts sexually is only for hme s benefit as part of a sex act and does nothing for you to feel loved and emotionally intimate with him.

When my DH (then DP) talked about it I realised she’d ge saw sex as a way of gaining emotional closeness, whereas I saw it as being used and need emotional closeness and then sex is an expression of that. Completely contrasting attitudes which needed to be understood and worked through.

Joysmum is spot on, especially with the last paragraph

I often think maybe I should have a drink to let my inhibitions go but I don’t really drink I haven’t had one in over two years because I think one of us should be sober with the kids here and my husband likes a drink. My kids also don’t sleep through which doesn’t help, the eldest wakes up at least once a night which is pretty exhausting. In over a year we’ve had no more than a handful of nights where they’ve both slept through.

I totally get the whole men and women tend to view sex as a different thing. We don’t really make love it’s always sex, it’s not really romantic. And I do like typical romance but he’s not that way. He shows it in different ways and I accept that. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve never felt so unsexy in my life. I can’t imagine any man looking at me and thinking wow she’s pretty or sexy, so I think why would my husband think it either. Even though he does tell me I’m sexy I just don’t believe it.
I think there must be something wrong with me I’m a grown woman and the whole idea of sex makes me embarrassed.

Does sound to me like you've got something hormonal going on - irregular periods, acne etc. When I had my serious hormonal imbalance after a long course of powerful hormones, I was in a similar state but doctors were less than useless. This went on for over five years so I know how difficult it can be. I couldn't even watch sex scenes on tv, it made me so uncomfortable.

Do you also have pain with your periods? Wonder if you could have endometriosis - it really messes with my hormones, even if they're showing as being within the normal range I still don't feel right. How old is your youngest? Wonder if trying the pill might help with everything - it can go either way really!

Our twins still wake up 2-3 times a night each which is completely exhausting and no family or anyone to help out so haven't had a break since they came home from hospital. Still, now my sex drive is back that doesn't actually stop us (well, most nights anyway!).

I couldn't even watch sex scenes on tv, it made me so uncomfortable.
That’s how it is for me, I suddenly feel like a teenager blushing all of a sudden!

My youngest is coming up to 18mo, and my periods are a mess I’m on light for 4 days then heavy and painful for 2-3 days and then light again for 4 days. It’s comparable to contractions sometimes. I’ve never suffered with acne I’d get one spot the week before my period and that was it, one of the ways I knew I was pregnant before was I had a break out and I now have like ten spots on my chin! I find it hard to believe my hormones are ok, I have considered going back on the pill. I’m just waiting for a cervical examination & smear as my dr wants to rule out cancer! Not helping things either.
I’m just so prudish my husband mentions things like different positions or sex toys and I just freeze up and think no I can’t

You've got two young kids so you're probably touched out as well. The best thing would be for you to try and find some time away from the family to do something for you and get a break. Gym, new hobby, sport, book club or out to the cinema with your friends.

When you're a full time carer of young children it is constant and you get no reprieve. Unless someone else is taking full responsibility for them for a little bit, then you don't get a break.

Big hugs to you. That's exactly my experience too. For me personally it seemed to occur when oestrogen levels were lower than I needed and progesterone levels higher, so the oestrogen in the combined pill may make a difference. I wouldn't take the mini pill as if it is that, it's likely to worsen.

If you weren't previously like this about sex, I'd say there's most likely a physical cause. It's one thing to be touched out and exhausted, but this aversion to anything sexual is usually a chemical / hormonal issue from the research I've done and my own experience? Have you had your thyroid checked? This can cause similar issues if it's under active.

If your periods are that painful and irregular, I'd be insisting on a referral to a gynaecologist. Sadly some issues such as endometriosis will not show up on a scan.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been there a few times, pregnancy / pp hormonal changes did exactly the same to me. I'd have a physical aversion to even discussion of sex. Now it's resolved, and when it first came back I went completely the other way - wanting sex all the time and wanting less conventional things in bed. That lasted a month or so, and now I'm back to having a much more regulated sex drive, with similar preferences to before I had these issues.

Just because you feel like this now doesn't mean you'll feel like this forever. If this has only happened since kids I would consider giving your body longer to get your levels back to normal before the pill I guess, but if you're desperate to resolve it asap you could try it. Should also help with your periods, although I'd still ask for a referral to look into the causes of this.

I hope things improve for you soon as I know just how distressing this is.

Such happens. You need to revive your sex desire. What about a trip together, to Paris for instance. I know one good place that will get your husband's desire back. Try erotic massage together. Instead of inviting someone to your sexual intercourse, you trust the masseuse to revive your mutual experience. Honestly it saved my marriage a couple of years ago.