I need tips, advise and to know if anyones in the same boat.

[JugglingDaddy]

Hi Mumsnet,
I'm in need of your help. I'm 20 the father of an amazing little girl and married to my wonderful wife of 22. Both myself and my wife are at university studying creative writing, I have a part time job working anywhere from 4 hours to 12 in a week. I just need help on how to be a better father and husband whilst still being able to complete my uni work and attend my work hours every week. My wife tries to help and I think she sees me struggling but is far to kind and nice to maybe give me the tough things I need to hear. My daughter of 15 months, I love her to pieces and I love her little personality, she's fearless and a fighter but we do clash at times whilst other times we both can't stop laughing. My wife and I seem to be trying to hold onto that spark and are intimate but no where on a regular time or level. Some weeks we seem to have loads of time together whilst sometimes a whole month can go by. I just wonder if there's anyone else at all who is juggling being married with a baby, a university course and a job all at the same time and if so, how are they coping because I feel I'm not doing to well.
My hearts go out to you all and I know I barely have anything worth complaining about being so young and new at this. But please any tips or advise will not go unheeded.
Thank you all for your time and I hope this message finds whoever is reading it well.
JugglingDaddy

I doubt you'll find many married couples with a young baby both at university on here... but you'll find plenty of couples who have to balance life - two jobs, other commitments, one or more children. So you should be able to get some good advice I hope!

The first bit of advice from me is not to panic and accept that it's normal in the early days to be pulled in several directions and not have enough time. So... don't over react. Don't think "oh no she doesn't like / fancy me" if you've gone a week without a proper chat or without sex.

Second bit of advice... despite the above, be very careful not to always put your relationship second (third...). Whether that means a once a week night when you get a parent to babysit, or once a week where you say nobody does uni work or books a shift at work and after toddler bedtime you relax together, depends on what works for you.

Remember that time with your child is still time together. So don't split the child time separately all the time. E.g. One of you might do bath and bed so the other can make dinner. But do think about doing the bath and bed together, because it's still a way to connect as a couple.

It might help if you're more specific about the problems.

Well you are both juggling a lot between parenting, working and studying and I think that it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed at times with a young child.

In what ways specifically do you feel like you’re struggling?

Because if you’re turning up to work, completing your coursework and have a happy healthy baby then that’s doing ok.

I assume that your partner has the same university commitments but, with not working, is taking on the lion’s share of the childcare. Do you both get any down time, apart and together?

Hi Juggling.
My first thought: as a student of creative writing you should understand the difference between 'too' and 'to'. This isn't pedant's corner though.
What exactly is your problem? Not enough sex? Life getting too much? (see how I used too)
Family life can be really difficult. My advice would be to give each other a little me time. When mine were little, I just needed one lie in per week. DH needed time to play his guitar.
Best of luck though.

Not at uni but have twin boys her age. Yes, it's hard to have time to ourselves (impossible actually since we have no family nearby to help out - haven't had a break since they came home from hospital) but it won't be like this forever. Spend the time you can together, it will get easier!

What is it exactly you're struggling with? It's not clear.

Apart from English that is - advice not 'advise', my wife and I not 'myself and my wife'. What are they teaching you?

Just to add - I didn't understand the sentence about you clashing at times with "her". You mean the 15 month old or your wife?
Reason I ask is that the sentence suggests it's your toddler, but I struggle to see how you can really have a personality clash with a 15 month old... sometimes they don't want to do what you want them to, but that's not clashing it's life.
If you mean your wife, then maybe you need to talk or think more about your relationship. I'm guess that for an 18 and 20 year old (ish) at / heading for uni, a baby was unplanned. Could be this isn't the relationship for you?

Why are people focussing on what are probably typing errors? That's just being petty and mean.

My advice is to always find time for each other.

Never stop letting your wife know she's special and maintain the emotional connection that brought you together.

Don't put too much pressure on yourselves.... if you have family who are willing to help with babysitting, then take then up on it.

Be each other's support, because marriage, a baby and studying is a lot to fall with at once....especially being so young.

FGS give the poor bloke a chance. A young man is asking for advice on showing maturity and all you can do is correct his spelling. Let his tutors do that, if they feel it's relevant to creativity, and we could help with experience of coping with the pressures of a young family. Relax, man, you are doing fine as far as I can make out.

Thanks to all for the quick responses, firstly an apology in the typo department, its been a long day and I suppose I more poured my heart out than thought about my sentence structure and syntax. But thank you regardless as that'll help on my course anyway :) All of the advice has been so helpful it's just nice to know it's not just us. I guess the main problem is management; of time, money and stress. But a lot of you have already been quick to help in those regards. My wife and I try to help each other out and we do a lot of things as a family on the whole though being a uni student most of my family is back in my home town though they are brilliant for helping out when we're there. I'm just glad to hear people don't think I'm doing as bad a job at this whole thing as I first thought I was so once again thank you everyone!

Cut yourselves some slack. I'm 35, been with my DH 10 years, I've got a degree and had a full on career through my 20s and having babies is still the hardest thing I've ever done.

In my experience, small things can breed resentment quickly. Even when couples think they're equally splitting the workload, one partner (usually the woman) is carrying all the mental load (Google it if you haven't heard of this) which is exhausting and overwhelming.

The more you support her and help her out, and the more you enjoy spending time together as a family, the happier you'll be together. I'm utterly exhausted and a small thing like not putting bottles in the dishwasher or leaving mugs lying around can start to piss you off. Support each other and most importantly talk to each other - communication is more important than anything, and with good communication you can get through most things.

Good luck to you both - my sister got married younger than you and they're still happily married nearly 20 years on :)

Be kind to yourself. These early years with small children are tough for everyone and you are very young. But also be kind to your wife and be kind to your child. Bite your tongue, hold onto your temper, be as patient as you can be, be as unselfish as you can be, be as generous as you can be.

In practical terms that means don't "clash" with your daughter but parent in a calm and loving way, which can include being firm when she's playing up but keep it calm, accept that your wife will be too tired for much sex at the moment (this will get better as your daughter gets older), do your fair share of childcare and housework, don't be stroppy and critical with either of them, do enjoyable things together as a family, be loving towards your wife, forgive yourself when you understandably lapse from these standards under stress but sort yourself out if the lapses are more than once every couple of months or so.

People are picking up on the SPAG because to get on a degree course that involves writing, one would think that being able to use grammar correctly would be a pre-requisite.

Mind you, the OP would be a great candidate for a job on our local newspaper. He would fit right in.

Give yourself a break, if you've got a healthy little girl then I would say your doing a good job. As for being a better husband she must have married you for some reason don't think just because you two don't get to spend a lot of time together that she doesn't love you.

Good luck