My parents are in their late sixties and live some 600 miles away from my brother and I.
They have never had a particularly amicable relationship yet remained married.
The issue with them I think is thar they are completely incompatible. Individually they are kind and loving people that are fun to be around. Together they are a nightmare.
My father is a traditional man. In all honesty would have been happy with a stay st home with who assumed a traditional role. This is not my mother. She was a high flying career woman with ambition and little interest in the home. My father took little to no responsibility for us - seeing parenting as a woman’s role. This left my mother to assume most responsibilities. Not surprisingly this caused a lot of resentment. There was a lot of fighting and bickering. The two of them would play games to wind the other up and us kids were left somewhere in the middle with a big parent sized gap in our lives. Neither of them had much interest in being parents and I often wonder what on earth they had kids for? They had us late in the relationship and I can’t help wonder whether they would have been much happier without us..
They have come close to divorce several times and to be honest I wish they had.
Their relationship improved somewhat when my brother and I left the house. Without the responsibility of caring for us their relationship improved. We had a good ten years of relative calm. However, this changed once again when they retired. Spending time together highlighted just how different their needs and desires are. They have completely different outlooks on life And neither will move to accommodate the other. They can’t agree on where to spend their retirement or anything for that matter. The situation was compounded by my elderly grandmother who at this tie needed quite a lot of attention. Once again my dad somewhat shirked his responsibility. This has dug up all of the feelings of resentment from the past and we are once again in a very unpleasant situation.
My father is undoubtedly a very selfish man. However to be married to him you either have to accept his faults or leave. He isn’t going to change. My mother has turned in to quite an unpleasant person and deeply unhappy. This has not only been targeted at my father but at us kids too. I would have all the sympathy in the world for her if she didn’t act the way she did. She is the queen of passive aggression and never says what is really wrong with her. This makes things worse with my dad. Instead of saying ‘I am angry at you for leaving me to deal with your mother’ she picks fights constantly over trivial items like the tv volume or takes to the silent treatment For weeks at a time. My father isn’t psychic he is a man of a certain age that needs things clearly laid out. If you treat him correctly and explain what is wrong he is actually quite responsive. His reaction to her is to avoid her as much as possible which in turn makes things worse. They are both at fault.
This treatment does not stop at my father. It rolls on to me and my brother too. We seem to endlessly annoy her. She will ignore me for weeks over minor disputes and constantly tells me how much like my father I am. My father uses me as a sounding board to bitch about her which doesn’t help either. I’ve asked him not to involve me but he can’t help it.
Three years ago my grandmother went into a care home and died earlier this year. We hoped this would alleviate some of the issues between parents. It hasn’t.
Visiting has become a nightmare. It is fine if they are there individually but together it is horrendous. The tension between them is palpable. My mum snaps at my dad (and me) constantly. There is an atmosphere in the house and to be honest I dread seeing them.
I have married in to a very happy family which makes the dysfunction of my own more noticeable.
I can’t understand why neither of them will make any effort to accommodate the other. Part of me thinks they actually quite like the tension. My relationship with them,especially with my mother, had deteriorated.
Things recently came to a head and with my mum. She said I was cutting her out of my life. I will admit I do avoid them both as visiting is so unpleasant and I adit that this has hurt their feelings.But when I explained why she refused to acknowledge my point of view. She says any issues at home are all my dads fault. As I said he is a selfish man, but she too bears some of the responsibility for the continued deterioration of their relationship.
At the end of the day, if they decide to love lie this I can’t do anything about it. It is their relationship not mine. However, when it spills in to my life I just can’t take the unpleasantness of it all. It upsets me to see them both so unhappy. It also upsets me how little effort they will make to get along when we visit. They think this is normal. It’s not.
I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant with my first child and dread the fall out of this. I grew up with no extended family (another story) and I want this kid to have a good relationship with its grandparents. This will no doubt require more parental visits. As things stand I cant think of anything worse. We need to find some way of getting on.
I have apologised to my mother for being distant and for hurting her feelings. But she refuses to acknowledge the issues at home. My dad does and to be fair always makes the effort to be pleasant when visiting.
I just don’t know where to go now.
Any help most