If you left because you were unhappy - do you regret it?

[Misty9]

Married 7 years and 2 dc under 7. Great life on paper but we just don't want the same things and I don't want to spend my whole life having to convince dh of every idea I have (holidays, interior decoration etc). My career is on hold and we'd likely have to move for this to change, but dh won't consider it. He has most things he would like in life. I don't.

But he doesn't do anything awful, is an amazing father and tries his best to be a good husband. I just want us to want the same things but do I suck this up to keep a good life for the dc and avoid the stress of single parenthood? It would make most sense for me to move out if we split as his business is at home. We would coparent as much as possible. I don't have a permanent job at the moment...

This is tying me up in knots

I left my ex after 7 years. We didn’t have DC so not the same but honestly I’ve never looked back. The way I see it you get one crack at life and you owe it to yourself and your DC to make it a happy one. My ex was emotionally abusive sometimes. Sometimes he was ok and we were happy. The falling out of love with him happened gradually due to his behaviour and demeanour. He was absolutely devastated when I left but I just had to grit my teeth and get through it. Hurting someone you care about is difficult but as I said I’ve never ever once had any regret about that decision and now I’m just a bit pissed off with myself that I didn’t leave sooner

Does he know you’re unhappy and feel this way? Would he go to therapy with to talk things through and find a way to agree more? If you’re truly unhappy and see no way to improve it, of course you should leave, but you should try and do everything to improve things before you leave. 7 years isn’t that long a marriage, how did you feel about these things when you wed?

He does know I'm unhappy but our eldest can be very challenging so he probably thinks it's more about that.

When we first met we did do the things I'd like to do more of now. The thing is, having kids completely fulfilled him whereas I still have hankerings for something novel and new experiences.

When we first met we did do the things I'd like to do more of now. The thing is, having kids completely fulfilled him whereas I still have hankerings for something novel and new experiences.

What are these things? Could you do them with friends or hobby group?

I think that once you have dc you owe it to them to exhaust every avenue before calling it a day.

If I’ve understood correctly, you’re thinking of ending it because you want to move for work, and because he disagrees with you on issues such as holidays and interior design.

A lot of that sounds incredibly petty. Why does the holiday or decoration that you want trump what he wants? I think your worries would be replaced with bigger ones if you separated.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to work of course, but would a move involve uprooting children from schools, because if so then that does seem like a big family decision.

I don’t know. I think I’m just staggered that you’re thinking of ending your marriage and haven’t even done him the courtesy of telling him how seriously you feel about it all.

I have done him the courtesy thank you. But I was interested in hearing from people who have taken that decision and how it worked out.

And it's not that we disagree on where to go etc, it's that he doesn't even see the need and I feel I have to 'sell' everything to him iyswim. And it's exhausting.

I think that if you are not working and are having a tough time (with challenging DC) at home 24/7 - then the holidays, interior design and doing stuff takes on a much greater importance for you than for him - as it is your escape. He needs to understand this.

I cut my losses as life with my ex was exhausting and made me feel sad. I’m much happier in a much more fulfilling relationship now and I think he is too!

Interesting point another - I do work 0.6 but it's fixed term and ends soon. He's just very satisfied by home life and doesn't feel the need to escape even though he works from home!

I left DH of 5 years, one small DC,
as I wasn’t particularly happy. A few years down the line I’m still not particularly happy at times but have made progress towards the life I wanted. I have a new partner and another baby. Our relationship is also very challenging and it makes me wonder whether I should have persevered with XH but at the same time I’ve achieved more personally after leaving. I have a great job and my own interests and I’m financially more comfortable. We coparent very well and are friendly. I feel like my new relationship often has similar traits of the old one and perhaps it’s my own standards being very high and always feeling disappointed in my then XH and now DP.

Do you have dc together fragglewump ?

Yes we have 2 children. I got more and more unhappy and felt like a gently cooking frog trying to decide when to jump out of the pan.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble but the message being, I don’t think my XH was doing anything wrong and my DP probably isn’t now but I think I place too much emphasis on my relationship giving me happiness.

I ended it with my husband almost 3 years ago, we were married 10 years and had 2dc's. We had grown apart and I was much more outgoing than him, I felt I had no life if I stayed with him.

I wish I had left earlier, I'm still single and enjoying life, I lost weight, got new hobbies and the dc's are happier.

You have one life ... don't go to your grave with regrets.

I have left because I was unhappy a couple of times and never regretted it. In your case it sounds like possibly things might be salvageable. Could you talk frankly about how you feel, and maybe have a trial separation? He might take you now seriously is he realises how serious this is.

I think that once you have dc you owe it to them to exhaust every avenue before calling it a day.

This is what I did, but in retrospect I think it would have been ok to leave sooner. I think it's ok to show your children that it's ok to walk away from an unhappy situation.

I wonder if you could negotiate/discuss things so that you gain more happiness. The difference between me and you is that I didn’t believe my ex was trying to be a good dad and good husband. He was selfish, entitled and abusive.

I left XH because he stopped treating me with liking and respect and started taking me for granted. We tried counselling, but it revealed huge issues that he’s been hiding for the best part of a decade and which ultimately I couldn’t get passed once I knew.

I’ve honestly never been happier, two years on. We co-parent reasonably well, my career is going from strength to strength, and I love living alone (well, with our DCs, but no other adults) - I’m the captain of my ship again. No boyfriend and I’m content with that.

I think XH found it harder at first but he’s got a steady girlfriend, and our DCs say she’s nice and kind to them which is all I ask. I’d say he’s probably happier now than when we were together.

A final point - our DCs seem very settled and content. They’ve adjusted very well.

I think that's a good point sag and I probably do have too high expectations of dh sometimes. I don't really have any support from my parents, emotionally, and although I do have good friends I also would like to get more emotional support from dh.

We've just had a chat and he is going to try harder to put my needs further up the pile. But he can't change who he is (he says he can) and at what point do we call it a day?

He's always been open to counselling so I think that's the next step. I'm scared it's too late though.

I split from my ex of 10yrs 3dc in June and haven't looked back. Sometimes when I'm finding life hard and the kids are playing up I do wonder if I did the right thing but on the whole I'm the happiest I've been in years. Even my oldest said she didn't want things to go back to how they were as I was always so sad.

My situation was different to yours as he was a selfish and lazy and based his sole happiness on me and didn't really want his children around. Even though as others have said you only live once and life is short so do what makes you happy.

Yes I left and am so much happier. x

I posted something similar about 6 years ago. I could link it if you’d think it’d help

He’s gone now and everyone is much happier.

I’m not says my it gleefully but honesty it’s 2017 and we all have choices

‘I’m not saying it gleefully’

I left my ex husband after being together 7 years and married for 5. We had a 2 yr old daughter and I did think about it long and hard as didn’t want to upset her at all. It was the best thing all round. I have a new hubby, step children and my daughter has fully embraced having so many family members!!! She asks questions which I answer honestly and her dad has now remarried too. Leaving him was the best thing to do